Joyously Riotously Happy

NEW ADDRESS!!!

2010-02-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Update your bookmarks folks: we've moved... domains, that is!

http://whimsyvalentine.wordpress.com/

testing testing 123

2010-02-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

One of my birthday gifts from Ajax was $50 in apps for my iPod. I just blew $10 of it on this app so I can keep up my blog without having to sit down at the computer. Fingers crossed it works and I use it. (Lord knows the $10 I tossed out for the Sims wasn't worth it.)

Soooooo... Here on my trusty iPod in my notes I have a list of things I want to blog about. And I'll get to them in time. But for now I'd just like to reflect on the beauty of my life. I am sitting in Ruby's nursery feeling very Under The Sea with her orange seahorse light casting a gentle glow Sarah's gorgeous mural. Ruby is crashed out in my arms and I'm praying for the clock to go slower. We need to leave in 30 minutes for Golden Bridge. I want her to sleep because this week her sleep has been sporadic and disrupted by gas and teething. But mostly I just don't want this cozy moment to end. (although I am losing all feeling in fingers.)

As a few of my friends get close to their own due dates, and others work on creating more of these adorable little creatures we call babies, I'm finding that I'm already missing my newborn. Don't get me wrong-I am completely in love with Ruby as she is now, but that first 6 weeks of mega-cuddle sessions and teeny tiny clothes was yummy. Ok,I might be romanticizing it a bit. It was also challenging.

Now I'm amazed at this big girl who cam hold her head up (except when she's sleepy) and is rolling over (front to back. She's almost got it back to front too). She lights up the world with her big grins and I can see my grandmothers smile in her smile. She's strong, vocal, independent, and sweet. As much as I love her, I also really like her.

And thus endeth the mush of the day. She's awake and we need to get moving.

Back...

2010-02-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Ha! So after committing to write three times a week here, I've been gone since November. And I stupidly changed my blog layout and it wiped out all the dates! Argh.

So now I must date each one myself I guess..

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3...

or is it the 4th?

No, it's the 3rd.

I'm pretty sure.

I dont' really care... now my weeks are a little like this:

Monday - day of chill. Ruby and I try not to leave the house (well, she tries, but I still think she's too young to go out on her own. Maybe when she's 25).

Tuesday - day of yoga. Go to Golden Bridge. Teach Mommy & Me yoga. Smile at the cute babies, all the while secretly chanting "mine is cuter, mine is cuter; mine is smarter..."

Wednesday - day of lake walk. Some mamas from the Booby Brigadge email list get together and walk around the lake. It's lovely. Exercise, new friends, and Ruby naps!

Thursday - day of whatever. Last week I went to yoga. This week, I'm helping out with the Prenatal Teacher Training... It seems to be a day I go and hang out at Golden Bridge.

Friday - day of yoga and veggies! Teach in the morning (see above), maybe go for a walk and then go pick up our yummy co-op veggies!

Weekends are free-form. I keep thinking I should get us on some sort of routine, but Ruby disagrees. She tried a routine, then discovered that I loved it and promptly gave it up! Such is the life of an almost-4 month old.

Who has gone from chattering happily in her bassinet to getting fiesty. And so I'm off. But I'm looking into figuring out how to do this blog from my iPod or phone... :)

And here's a recent photo of the Duck for those who are dying for it... all three of you who actually read this thing!

Remembering what you wish for... or gratitude

2009-11-18T08:57:00.001-08:00

I had a little epiphany the other day (last week?)...

I was feeling frustrated that I seemed to not be able to do anything because I have this baby constantly attached to me and I just wanted to put her down (in her bassinet) and go do stuff.

Then I remembered how much I prayed for this baby, how longed for she was. And how excited she was to come and be our daughter. My daughter.

And I mentally slapped my forehead... duh! Here I am, one month into her hopefully long life and I'm already looking for an out? Sheesh.

Not that there aren't going to be other moments where I feel frustrated with her, but I'm so glad I had that little moment of clarity early on, so that I can hold that feeling of gratitude in the moments that are more challenging.

Phases & new beginnings

2009-11-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

Probably the best piece of advice I got before becoming a mom (or even becoming pregnant actually) was this:

"Just remember - everything is a phase."

On the nights when Ruby is up every three hours instead of sleeping 6 like she used too, it's helpful to remember that. On the days when she just won't fall asleep or even be calm unless she's in my arms and my arms only, it's helpful to remember that. In the brief moments when I want to be able to just run this or that errand, or sleep in, or clean the kitchen, it's also helpful to remember that.

Then, like magic, she's happy in Ben's arms again. Or in her bassinet.

Yesterday we put Ruby in her wrap and went for a walk:
and Ben asked me what I wanted to work on, what personal stuff I wanted to explore. To be honest the question threw me... but it also got me thinking. I mean, I think first and foremost I want and need to keep exploring being a mom, but I'm also looking forward to re-inventing myself professionally. Looking for new places to teach yoga (and not just Mommy & Me and prenatal) and new clients to design for. And I'd like to start cooking again. Seems silly, but that's what I want.

But one thing I know I both need and want to commit to is writing. I'll start here and try to write at least 3 times a week. We'll see where it goes from there.

33 days of...

2009-11-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

joy.

bliss.

amazement.

exhaustion.

frustration.

confusion.

laughter.

tears.

learning.

renewing.

The story:

After 2 weeks of nervous waiting for labor to start (or keep going), we were getting pretty worried about our impending deadline of October 13 (as in, "if you don't go into labor by October 13, we need to talk about hospital options.") Sunday the 11th, we both woke up feeling really unnerved and scared. We got up and went for a walk - something that usually helps us to calm down and get our heads straight, but that morning we came back more confused, scared and upset than when we had left. Clearly we were both spinning ourselves out more than we needed to and required some outside assistance to get us back. While we were both very aware that the most important thing at the end of the day was a healthy baby, we were still stuck on the fear that we'd end up in the hospital and we just had so much expectation and investment on having Ruby at home. So we called our fantastic doula, Sada Simran. She's been a friend of mine for almost a decade - someone I know I can count on for her strong intuitive honest opinion. She doesn't sugar-coat anything. She's kind, firm and did I mention intuitive? And healing. We were hoping to just chat with her on the phone. Instead she was at our door in 20 minutes.

What we came away with after that lovely morning chatting on our porch was that our pregnancy, particularly on my end, was incredibly public, between me posting on FB every five seconds and just all the wonderful students and friends at Golden Bridge who were so excited for Ruby. Sada Simran sensed that perhaps Ruby was wanting us to go inside and come together as a couple more. Let the focus be on US, so it could then be on HER. Made sense. (Of course then I didn't post on FB for 48 hours which freaked everyone out!) She also mentioned that babies teach us how to parent them BEFORE they even arrive. Both Ben and I can occasionally fly by the seat of our pants - Ruby was (and is) teaching us patience and trust on such a deeper level than either of us had experienced or expected.

Monday, the 12th, we went to see Davi to have my membranes stripped. Not the most pleasant of experiences, especially because she did it three times with walks afterwards... the last one being a 2 hour walk. Came home to have a lovely cocktail of vodka, OJ and castor oil... yeah. Actually I love a good screwdriver, so we just wooshed it up with my coffee frothers and I didn't even notice the oil. Also pounding it like a shot helped... see? College WAS good for something!

Around 3 I tried to take a nap, but lo and behold I was having regular contractions and couldn't sleep. I didn't really get excited because honestly we'd been down this road before. I got up, chatted with Mom, had dinner with Mom, Pops and Ben. By dinnertime the contractions were getting more intense and more regular. At one point I had to leave the table to deal with a contraction and I knew then it was the real deal. My mom, being the uber-intuitive mom she is, realized it too and she and Pops bailed pretty quickly and let Ben and I get to the business of birthing. We called Sada Simran and once again, she amazed us with how fast she got to us. Of course, then it was a couple of hours of sitting around watching me moan and groan... but it was so good to have her here to coach us both through the initial stages. Smartly she realized we'd be going all night and suggested we go lay down for a nap. That was around 9.

At 10, I felt a little pop, like a water balloon popping inside me. I hopped up, shouting "water breaking, water breaking!" All I could think was that I didn't want my water to break on the bed, even though we had crappy sheets AND a plastic sheet on the bed. I zipped (as fast as I could, which is to say I hobbled) to the bathroom and woosh - my water flowed out, thankfully in the toilet, not the floor. As soon as it was done, I was hit with a contraction 10 times harder than I'd been dealing with before. I went from the toilet to being on all fours, panting/breathing through it. Sada Simran poked her head in and said "Just so you know, the contractions usually get a lot more intense now." I think my reaction to that was "YOU THINK???"

With the water breaking and my contractions coming much closer together, longer and harder it was time to call our midwife, Davi. At this point, all sense of time left me. It seemed like she arrived as soon as we called her. I'm sure that's not how it was but in my mind our midwife and doula were wizards who could teleport themselves anywhere at any time. (Which is kind of what you want in a doula or midwife, really.)

By the time she got there I was begging to get in the tub. Begging. Ben was filling it, but we ran out of hot water. I don't really remember much between my water breaking and getting in the tub, but once I was in the tub I was so happy. The warm water was so soothing and totally relaxed me. Okay, not totally. But it made going through the contractions a lot easier. Ben got in with me and was amazing - rubbing my back and pouring warm water over my back. Sada Simran was making sure I was getting enough calories with coconut water since I'd long since puked up anything I'd eaten that day (bye bye yummy chicken dinner from Pops - it was a lot more pleasant going down than up.). I was in my own world and occasionally I'd pop my head up and see Davi resting on our bed, one eye open and watching me like a mother owl watching to make sure her chicks were flying okay. Sada Simran was in front of me, arms open and eyes focused in healing meditation. As the contractions got stronger I felt like I needed to push, but kept thinking it was too soon. But I followed my instincts (and Davi's encouragement) and started to push.

After an hour I had to get out of the tub - it was too slippery, I was getting icked out by the stuff we were sitting in (granted it was all stuff that was inside of me, but still) and my legs were starting to cramp up. So out I went. And on to the bed - on my back. On my left side. On my right side. Then on to the floor on all fours. Then squatting with Ben supporting me. Then on the toilet (I know right?? But it felt like I had to go to the bathroom, so it made sense).

Then back to all fours... at this point my legs were cramping up like crazy and in my head I was thinking "Oh God, I'm going to tear so badly, I should have done more sitz baths to open up my perineum, we never did that massage, I always do this, I always get lazy and end up paying for it later, I'm already screwing up being a mom..." Funny where our minds go isn't it? Then Davi snapped "Get your head together girl!" and apparently smacked my ass though I don't remember that part! But I needed it. I got out of my head and back to concentrating on Ruby. I got back on the bed, with Ajax behind me whispering "You can do it Hari Parkash. Remember Ruby has Elk Magic, she's strong and so are you..." and 30 minutes later she crowned. It wasn't as painful at that point as I thought it would be, because Ruby had gone slow and helped my perineum open slowly. Ajax got down with Davi to catch her. A few minutes later (it felt like hours) her head was out. One more push and the rest of her came whooshing out.

And then, as if the past 13 hours hadn't happened at all, I was holding my squalling squirmy baby girl and crying "I'm a mom! I'm a mom!" She was yelling like we asked her too and then Ajax came up and said "Hi Ruby, it's Daddy. You're home now." And her eyes popped open and she was silent - she remembered his voice. Amazing.

She latched on to my breast immediately and happily guzzled away while I pushed out the placenta and Ben and I cried over the miracle in our arms.

And now... a month and 2 days later, she's in a sling, asleep and we're just blown away by her every day. The smiles we get, especially in the morning, make the long nights so worth it. We both feel like she's been in our lives forever and it's hard to believe it's only been 33 days. She's getting bigger and stronger and cuter by the day.

We are so blessed.

Dear Ruby,

2009-10-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

My darling adorable amazing daughter. Already you have made my heart bigger and my life more profound and complete than I ever thought possible. Every minute of your life inside me has been beautiful and amazing. You've never given me an ounce of trouble as an inside baby - no morning sickness, no worries about your health or well-being. For that I am truly truly grateful.

As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.

Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.

I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.

I love you so much.
Mommy

Another day...

2009-10-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

Last night we got excited. I was having contractions and they were getting stronger and closer together. For hours. I knew I needed to go to bed and just not think about it, so I texted our midwife and our doula to let them know and got into bed.

And laid there like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. Way too excited. Dreams of filling the birth tub, of breathing my way through contractions and holding our gorgeous baby girl in my arms filled my head. Then my sinuses backed up and I couldn't breathe so I tossed and turned. Then Ella kept breaking into Ruby's room and getting shut in there, so I kept getting up out of bed to get her.

Finally by 2 am I'd found my very last Breath Right strip for my nose and decamped to watch whatever I could find on TV. Slept on the couch for an hour. Went back to bed. Dozed for another hour. Ajax got up at 4 after what I'm sure wasn't all that restful a night, what with me up and down a dozen times... I slept until 7.

We were giddy this morning. Still having contractions - no harder, but still there. Yay.

We had breakfast, cleaned up a little, talked about what we could to do to get the house ready more. We made calls. I took another nap. Sarah came over. Then Davi called and said "You'll hate me for saying this now, but you'll thank me later... you're in 'pre-labor'. Stop timing the contractions. Go out, go have your day, go for walk. Rest. Eat well. It could be days."

Days? Did she seriously just say "days"? As in not Saturday, but maybe Sunday. Or Monday?

ARRRRGGHHHHHHH...

But okay. So we go live our life. We go to Griffith and walk. Hit Birds for lunch (seriously this long-ass non-labor thing is wreaking havoc on our checking account.) Came home for nap #2.

Something shifted and I woke up feeling so discouraged again. So frustrated. I didn't want to go anywhere with a lot of people. Definitely didn't want to drive anywhere. I took a shower, tried to clear my head...

I keep feeling like we have this ominous deadline looming - Tuesday is 42 weeks and that means scary, terrifying words like "hospital" and "pitocin" and "IV drip" and the most dreaded of all "C-section."

I know I know I KNOW I need to release this fear or it will manifest, but holy fucking hell. I'm already a hormonal basket-case...

So I keep breathing. Watching silly movies and shows on TV. Can't read because what's the point in starting a new book? Though I guess I should. Getting really sick of walking walking walking even though I know it's best for us all.

Tomorrow Mom & Pops come. I was so sure we'd have a brand new baby for them to see. Instead they get a very pregnant, hormonal, cry at the drop of a hat, me. Hope this baby comes soon.

A visit to the Fear Factory

2009-10-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bit rough. It started out wonderfully - Ajax stayed home, we had breakfast in the garden and just rested until our midwife appointment. We were sure SURE they'd tell us we were at least 3 cm and they'd strip the membranes to get the water moving and bada bing bada boom we'd be holding Ruby in our arms by midnight.

HAHAHAHAHA....

The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).

Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.

Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."

Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!

Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.

Until I got home and completely lost it.

I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.

Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.

We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:

1. To be sung to the tune of Frere Jacques (from me & AR):
Baby Wuby
Baby Wuby
Come on out!
Come on out!
How much do we love you?
How much do we love you?
Shout it out!
Shout it out!

2. Also, this is the song I made up for AR (to be sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle):

Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you

If I didn't, I'd feel blue
So thank goodness for my itty baby boo

Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you.

And now Bebop sings it with me. :-)

3. Come on out Wuby, soon. Give your mommy and daddy a private and sacred labor and birthing experience at home, okay? How about labor starting tomorrow, with the actual birth occurring on Friday? What do you think, Wuby?

4. Here's a poem for you Wuby:

Little Wuby, I think it's time
To make your way into this world
Your mommy and daddy have been waiting patiently
For you to be their little girl

I know you feel warm and safe and loved
In the tiny cocoon of your womb
But now it's time to take wing, little dove
With a git up and go and va-voom!

You are so lucky to have the parents you do
You have already been loved so much
They're ready for the vomit and the pee and the poo
And all the sleepless nights and such

Help your mommy's cervix to yawn wide
Use your legs to push out
Let the contractions be the outgoing tide
So we can hear your wee little shout

Come on, come on, little Wuby, let's go
There's more on our side to see
Than what's in the confines of your amniotic world
Come on out so you know what it feels like to be free.

Plus an offer from my friend Jennifer's brilliant energy-worker husband to work with me today for free (so sweet!)

Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.

Up and down and on pins and needles. Literally...

2009-10-07T03:14:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh - it's 3:15 am. And I'm wide awake. (After a "How I Met Your Mother" themed dream that was nice, but weird... We watch too many re-runs of that show, methinks...)

I knew yesterday wasn't the day - I knew it after I posted at 3 am and then went to sit and meditate in our (superclean!) living room. I just heard Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday. I think Ruby didn't want to be saddled with "Ruby Tuesday" for the rest of her life and that's fine by me! I am all for avoiding annoying nicknames. I took it very very easy in the morning and was really looking forward to our midwife appointment in the afternoon. I slept in, I took a nap on the couch, did some laundry. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with laundry lately? For a while I was obsessed with having enough toilet paper in the house... now that we do, I'm convinced that all the clothes have to be clean before she comes or we'll be surrounded by piles of dirty clothes for the next three months. Irrational? Yes. But hey - I heard about a guy yesterday who is completely and utterly terrified of cucumbers (and by extenstion, pickles). Makes my laundry thing a little less irrational yes?

Speaking of irrational, around the time I decided a shower was in order, I got a call that Davi (our midwife) had to cancel our appointment as she was at another birth.

Complete and total meltdown.

Seriously - I called Ajax in tears, so upset, so disapointed. And later I realized, so envious of THAT mom who got her baby yesterday.

A long hot shower helped. Doing 3 minutes of cat-cow exercises with the hot water beating down on my sore lower back helped a LOT more. Realizing (hoping) that Tuesday wasn't our day because Ruby wants to make sure Davi is actually AT her birth helped a lot more. Smart little girl - in touch with the cosmos.

After the shower, I felt so much better. More open. Brian had offered to come over and bring lunch and at first, I was thinking "No I want to be myself" until I realized that was utter bullshit. So I called him and bless his heart, he came over with Zankou chicken & hummus and we had an awesome afternoon in the garden, eating and catching up. It was so incredibly lovely and calming I can't even describe it. We've been a little disconnected lately, so it was just fantastic to be able to catch up on everything and talk like we used/usually do.

Oh! And the baby's room - so beautiful! Gotta take pictures tomorrow. The mural is done! Sarah's going to swing by today to do the other two walls in yellow - shouldn't take more than an hour, I'd think! Then the plastic can come up and the furniture can get moved out of the center of the room! Hurraaay!!! So maybe Ruby is waiting for that. Who knows.

The highlight of yesterday was two-fold. Ajax came home early and I went to acupuncture. Sort of serendipitous - the midwife appointment got cancelled and Jeremiah had an opening at the exact same time. So off we went... And I definitely felt it working. So let's hope the energy keeps moving and things start contracting today!

We're going to see Michelle (the other midwife) today as well - hoping she'll be able to strip the membranes, so it's easier for my water to break. REALLY hoping she'll tell me we're fully effaced and even a little dilated. After that I'm thinking I'll head up to the Valley for this salad at this cafe that's supposed to induce labor... (Read about it here) I'll probably get it to go and go spend some time with my friend Jennifer and her wonderful daughter Leela, who I've know since she was 6 weeks old. Now she's almost 3!! Maybe she can have a chat with Ruby about how fun it is in the world!

One day at a time up here at Mt. Valentine. The hardest part is that Ajax has to go back to work, but really there's nothing for him to do there. He was so bored yesterday. His temp replacment is already doing everything... but something about the way his leave works, he has to be there until the baby actually is born. It's driving him crazy to be so far away. I keep hoping I'll start having contractions NOW so he can stay home today. And you know, so we can HAVE THIS BABY!!!

41 weeks

2009-10-06T02:25:00.000-07:00

And still pregnant.

Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!

Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)

We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.

Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.

By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.

I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.

False Alarm

2009-10-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a lovely day. I got up late, showed our mommy's helper around, went for a walk, picked up some last minute things (crucial things like dry cleaning and tapioca). Got home and set to making the apricot marinade for the chicken legs I had defrosting. Sarah came over to work on the room, which is really almost done - just needs yellow on two walls and few touch ups! After I made the marinade, I took a break, got some Raspberry Leaf tea and sat on the porch to read a magazine. Lovely life! There was a nice warm breeze, I was reading birth stories... I was feeling quite content.

Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...

An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.

We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.

Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.

And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.

So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.

Conversations with Ruby

2009-09-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went for a little walk around the lake, me and my hopefully soon-to-be born daughter. (ooooh, that's so cool to say/write that!)

It's usually a meditative time for me to go walking and this time was no different... the air was cool, a little humid and the sun was just starting to peek out from behind the fog. I was enjoying the wood ducks swimming on the reservoir, grinned like a maniac at a guy I went to college with who I'm sure doesn't remember me and was thinking "wow that really pregnant lady was sure happy to see me!" Just all around a lovely stroll. (I don't go much faster than "stroll" now. In fact, stroll is to spring what waddle is to walk these days).

And then I heard a little voice in my head say "I'm ready Mama."

Ah - my little miss.

"Good," said I, "we're so ready to see you. When are you planning to arrive?"

"It's a surprise," she giggled.

I had to laugh - this one is an imp already.

"Okay, we're ready when you are sweetie."

Pause.

"Mama? How will I know when it's time?"

"Well, I think you'll just know - it's your divine timing. We're here for you, so you need to talk to your spirit guides and see what's the best for you, for your life's journey."

"Okay... when can my sister come? Because she's my best friend and I'm really going to miss her. But she might come as a boy, is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay - we'll love her as a boy or a girl. But let's wait a couple years. But she's always welcome to come and visit us like you have. We love her already and are so excited to have her in our family too. I'll make sure you stay connected to her - don't worry!"

"Okay. Because she's my best friend."

Got it. Excellent... no sibling rivalry in the Valentine house. Nice.

"Mama?"

"Ruby?"

"Can we go to Burning Man? Because it's really fun there."

Now I'm laughing...

"How do you know it's fun there? And yes of course we'll go!"

"I went when I was helping you and Daddy fall in love remember?"

Duh. Silly mommy.

"I miss Daddy. I can't wait to see him."

"Then come on out - he's going to be the first one to hold you and kiss you when you get here!"

"Okay. I'm going to visit Eaglewoman. I'm going to tell her when I'm coming."

"Have fun!"

This morning as I was relaying all of this to Ajax, he started to get a little weepy. I thanked him for not thinking he had a crazy wife and he said "I know it's real because you have faith and that faith is the foundation of our family."

I'm so so blessed.

And another one...

2009-09-27T04:14:00.000-07:00

Yep, here I am at 4 am again. This time trying to suss out some sense of this dream... first I'm in the yoga center and I realize that I really can't teach the Mommy & Me class. I'm not sure why, but I can't. So I get Sada Simran to do it. Then I go to work behind the front counter and take some iced tea with me. Kali's there and tells me I can't have beverages behind the counter, which pisses me off, but I figure she must know because I haven't been behind the front counter in a while. Marlene starts to tell me that I should really think twice about Sada Simran as a doula and I freak out and tell her it's too late for that and she needs to be more supportive and not tell me negative things.
Then it all switches and I'm watching some bizarre scene from Beauty & the Beast, where some thugs try to steal Belle from the Beast, he saves her, and she immediately swoons and starts talking marriage and kids and the Beast freaks out like "whoa whoa - let's go one step at a time here!"
Then suddenly the Beatles are all alive and back together and are playing a private gig from some insanely rich Middle Eastern/Arabic guy who has a private train that drives right into their hotel come pick them up. They get stinking drunk and almost eat the semi-raw chicken he serves them and are laughing and reminiscing.

And scene.

WTF?

And now I'm wide awake, but totally groggy, eating Honey Nut Cheerios (it's the last box, I swear!) at 4:21 am. And no one has posted anything the least bit interesting on Facebook.

bah.

Mostly in between the bizarro dream sequences (or layered beneath them?) I thought about labor and having this baby girl. How weird it will be. Scary? Maybe. But I think whatever fear that comes up now is mostly fear of the unknown... like going to a new school or starting a new job. I know it will be fine, good, wonderful, etc but I have no concept of what to expect really. No book or labor prep class can ever really give you an accurate depiction of what it's like to have a human being come out from inside you. It's just.... weird. Really - when you think about it, it is. Mammals are very strange.

Dreams of ancient lands and lost shoes

2009-09-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

Wide awake after a bizarro dream in which I was flying over ancient cities (Paris, Athens, Rome). As I was flying over ancient Rome I was desperately holding onto my meditation pillow in one hand and the hand-me-down My Brest Friend breastfeeding pilllow from Claudia in the other. And trying not to fall out of the sky while searching for the Vatican. I felt like all the buildings were models - not real and if I fell I'd get impaled on them. But I had to find the Vatican. Then I landed, and our tour guide (Tom from Top Chef) told me he had to go and we all had to find our way back.

I managed to end up in Toronto (?) where I I left my shoes at a subway station. First I went to the Gluten-Free Girl's house to find them, but they weren't there and everyone in their house was asleep. Then I was back to the airport with my mom, who was working as a secret agent for the TSA and her job was to flush out people by being friendly with them. So she was chatting with some lady who was also on oxygen.

Then I was going back and forth between the station and my mom's house trying to find my shoes. Everyone who rode the subway was supposed to take their shoes off, so the place above the escalator had tons of shoes, but not mine. But then I looked down and there were my fantastic pink and brown Pumas (that I haven't worn since month 5) on my feet!

and uh, it just occured to me that the reason I couldn't find the Vatican in ancient Rome is that it wasn't there. Silly subconscious mind...

39 weeks... and some change

2009-09-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

This has been the most. awesome. week. ever.

Seriously here's what I've done this week:

Monday - Putzed around the house, cleaned up our bedroom and HUNG the curtains (that have been just laying over a gross curtain rod for the last year and a half!), played with the kitties, got a chiropractic adjustment, went to Target (where I walked for 45 minutes), got a mani/pedi, picked up some groceries, napped.

Tuesday - Putzed around the house, went to yoga, installed the car seat, got lunch, went to the bank, napped, picked up Ben and went to our midwife appointment (where we learned we're 30% effaced and a little bit open, but Ruby needs to slide on down), went to Pasadena for a lovely dinner and to see Gesine at her reading!

Wednesday - Did some laundry, went for a good walk at the lake, then went to the pet store to stock up on kitten food, hardware store to get painting supplies, Trader Joes for a mid-week re-stock, came home and Sarah and I primed the walls in Ruby's room, then went to Brian's for a yummy dinner. (I will admit I kind of over did it on Wednesday).

Thursday - slept in until almost 9 am! Putzed around, cleaned the heck out of the kitchen, swept and tidied the living room, made the most delicious salad for lunch, napped on the couch, then putzed around some more while Sarah got started on painting, did more laundry, cleaned up the bathroom, napped a little bit more on the couch, made & enjoyed a wonderful dinner with my handsome husband in our backyard!

Today's agenda: the plumbers are coming to install the dishwasher (yayyyyyy!). I'm so excited about it that I made them brownies! Sarah's coming by to work on Ruby's mural... and I have no idea what I'll do this afternoon. Maybe go for a walk or do some yoga. Definitely a nap at some point! Always with the naps!

Here's the weekly update:
How far along? 39 Weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 2 pounds. heh.
Stretch marks? Not going anywhere, but they seem to be fading? Or I'm getting used to them...
Sleep: in two hour increments. Then up for 15 - 60 minutes, then a lovely stretch of sleep from about 6 - 9 am...
Best moment this week: Painting the walls in Ruby's room!!! It's so pretty!
Movement: Lots still and now she seems to be moving on demand - how nice to have such an obediant child already!
Food cravings: Was really craving sugar for a couple days, but now I just want cold things... ice water, popsicles...
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Still some B-H contractions. And we're 30% effaced. Davi checked me on Tuesday and it was NOT FUN. Tres uncomfortable and I bled - blech. Totally normal and she seemed excited that I was a little effaced, so that's good.
Belly Button in or out? In but occasionally it bulges!!!
What I miss: Ben - I'm home by myself a lot and I really miss him during the day. Can't wait until both of us are home together.
What I am looking forward to: Sleeping on my stomach again someday.
Weekly Wisdom: Ask for hep - people really want to give it.

Vacation?

2009-09-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

It's my first official day on leave. It kind of feels like vacation! I slept in... until 7:10, which is sleeping when you've been getting up at 4:30 for the last two weeks! I'm slowly making a list of things I'd like to get done today (walk, chiro appointment, Target, sweep the house, nap) and am loving that it's cool, gray and foggy out.

Mostly though I feel like I'm in a dream-state. I don't have any real responsibilities, aside from getting myself to the chiro appointment. All weekend I've felt completely relaxed and free - Ruby could arrive at any minute and that's fine. She could not show up for two more weeks and that's fine too. The house might be spotless when she arrives. Or it might not. And that's fine. It's like I'm floating through life, totally content with this slower pace and not freaking out at all (seriously) about anything that might or might not get done. At this point it really doesn't matter. It's like the best vacation ever. Because at the end of this "vacation" I get a baby!

I've been reading a lot about post-partum care - not for Ruby, which I think we'll figure out - but for me. I've been practicing slowing down, letting Ajax or other people do things for me, because that has not typically been my strong suit. Only child syndrom - I'm very "I CAN DO IT MYSELF" and don't really like to a) ask for help or b) take orders. But in the last couple weeks my sweet husband who never gets mad, started to get frustrated because I'm insisting on carrying this or that or doing something that I know I can do. Finally he said "Will you please start acting like you're 38 weeks pregnant? And let me do that for you."

And I had a little ah-ha! moment. Oh yeahhh... I'm 38 weeks pregnant, 39 weeks tomorrow. I'm supposed to be slowing down. Taking it easy. Resting. Resting to have the strength and endurance to go through labor. And also it's good practice after Ruby is born because I'm not supposed to be doing much for a month or so afterwards either. So I need to relax and let other people do stuff for me now. It definitely rankles me. I don't like it - I feel selfish and helpless all at the same time which just ends up pissing me off. But if it means that I'll have a healthier baby and be healthier myself in the long run so I can be an even better mom, then I'll get over myself. But gah - it ain't easy.

Hello 4:45 am

2009-09-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's dark at this time of morning. And when Ajax doesn't get up with me it's a little too quiet. Just me and the cats and a million thoughts:
Will we get the baby's room done in time?
What will labor feel like? Will I know I'm in labor? How will I know?
We've got to get the car seat in the car. But I need to get the car washed first.
How will co-sleeping work? What will it feel like to breastfeed? Will the cats be okay with not getting as much attention for a little while?
Gotta call Jerry about the dishwasher again. And remind Ajax that we need to put primer on the walls. Why does everything we need to do have a million steps that has to be done beforehand? Why are we moving so slowly? Will Ruby stay in long enough for us to get it all done? I need to sweep. I need to mop. I gotta clean out the windows. And clean the glass.
I think I have an idea of how our lives are about to change but I know deep down I have no fucking clue. But if one more person tells me that I will hit them.
I hope the Giants will their series against the Dodgers... when did I become a baseball fan?
Will Ajax cook us food if I'm breastfeeding? When do I start pumping so he can share the feeding? I gotta order the pump.
I need to finish the thank you notes. I need stamps. We have to send that package to Gracie.
Crap I gotta figure out if I'm eligible for family leave pay from the state.
Will I ever figure out how to fold our stroller?
I need to stop with the cheerios already.

Nesting

2009-09-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today I didn't have to be anywhere until 12:30... so of course I was wide awake at 4:30 am! Got up, played with kittens, made breakfast for my hard-working handsome hunk of a husband because I'm sweet like that, had some breakfast myself... futzed around on Facebook... And then went back to bed at 6:15 am for the world's. greatest. nap. ever. Seriously - I slept so well in those 2.5 hours it was like I was a new non-pregnant person when I woke up!

And I decided to tackle the bathroom... ugh. We moved a lot of crap I was sure we needed, but didn't. We had a lot of old medicines, random bits of ugly jewelry, and ancient hand lotions and bath salts that got tossed out today. YAY! Now the towels are all neat and tidy, the first aid stuff is all in one bin, my make up and other stuff is consolidated from 4 drawers and a few small bins to ONE DRAWER! We actually have a drawer for Ruby now! It was almost as much fun as doing the kitchen cabinets.

Tomorrow Brett comes to consult with us on the ceiling and give us some pointers on what to do next (or possibly find time in his insane schedule to actually do it - fingers crossed...) Next week Jerry comes to do the dishwasher... oh yes. The dishwasher. That we'd almost forgotten about... Just in the nick of time!

But tonight we're having dinner - I succumbed to the craving above and it's in the oven. And we're watching the Giants/sweeping & mopping the baby's room... not sure how "we" are going to do that since I'm not allowed in the baby's room with all the dust... But once it's done I can definitely help put stuff back in there (neater) so that I can figure out crucial information like how many diapers we have (a metric ton) and where the furniture will go... Also means we'll get our dining room back, which will be nice.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm pretty much elated, thrilled, over-joyed, excited. Don't really think I'll be too sad, since I will be back. Mentally I was ready to be done 2 weeks ago. And I feel like I've gotten everything pretty well lined up... just one loose end which I will foist off to Gurushabd and that's that. Tomorrow my to do list is:

Clean out email inbox
Change voicemail
Turn on "out of office" notification.
Go home and don't think about work for 3 months.

Of course I still have to go in and teach on Friday... And I'll be back for every prenatal class I can take until Ruby is born... so I don't know how successfull I'll be with that last one.

38 weeks

2009-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that cute little face is soon going to be peeking out of my body!! And bringing the rest of her wiggly self with her!

Dang. She's so cute. It's going to be hard to put her down for anything.

I mean, seriously. Look at those cute little lips!

And those fingers. Just resting under her chin, already she's a model.

In other news the ceiling in the nursery is officially scraped clean of popcorn... only to find that the ceiling is, as predicted, crap. So we need to hustle now and get Brett to get out here and get wainscotting or beadboard or something up. Ajax suggested fabric. I immediately had nightmarish visions of fire... *shudder* So yeah - obvioulsy no on the fabric, though aesthetically it might look cool.

Meanwhile ALL and I mean ALL of the contents of the nursery are currently in our dining room. Le big sigh. I need to get one more under bed box for various linens that are taking up valuable drawer space... Then Ruby will get the big brown dresser. Plus a little tiny dresser. I'm itching to get in there and get it all put away - mostly so I know what we have and we still need....

I'm totally stealing this from someone else's blog (the818.com - great read!) I wish I'd been doing this all along... ugh. Oh well.

How far along? 38 Weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: Not thinking about it at all. Can't. Too upsetting.
Stretch marks? Many and deep. Weird. The ones on my tummy don't bother me near as much as the ones on my hips.
Sleep: bwahh haa haa haa haa! Sleep? Are you serious? *wipes tears of laughter away*
Best moment this week: Getting the ceiling scraped and getting the sketch for the nursery. Yes we are cutting it close...
Movement: Lots of rolls and stretches with the occasional roundhouse kick to the ribs if someone is hungry and someone else is feeling too lazy/big to get out of bed/off the couch to get food.
Food cravings: Lamb. Bizarre. Have not succumbed. Yet. (Trying to get pictures of cute little lambs out of my brain)
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Some Braxton Hicks - they feel like the most mild of cramps. I have to stop and think "oh hey - that was a BH contraction" because it just feels like day 4 of my period.
Belly Button in or out? In. Sometimes flat and sometimes way in. It's weird.
What I miss: My energy - I get tired really easily.
What I am looking forward to: The experience of labor, how it will deepen my relationship with Ajax and with myself.
Weekly Wisdom: Arch supports are my friends.

But since I know you, my loyal reader (s??), really just want to gaze at the cuteness and perfection that is Ruby - here are a few more gems:

A new role

2009-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my first "real" day of having my morning off... Monday was a holiday, Tuesday morning was filled with doctor's appointments (we found a pediatrician - yay!) and yesterday I worked in the morning because I had an afternoon midwife appointment. So today I'm blissfully washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom... Honestly blissfully! I like being home. I'm also somewhat trapped here waiting for the AT&T rep to come install our landline, but at least I've been productive so far. Considering it's only 9:15!

I'm definitely in some sort of "me" zone. Yesterday I put the car in reverse instead of drive and promptly backed into the neighbor's car. Car's fine (mine and theirs), baby is fine... I'm a little sore, but I was a little sore before, so that's nothing new. Just a reminder to slow down even more and pay attention to what I'm doing! Yesterday afternoon I was in Whole Foods and had that same "me" zone experience... I wandered around for 15 minutes before I remembered I was there for two things: ghee and tea tree oil.

What's new and different is that I like being in this zone. It's really "me and baby" zone. I feel connected to her and all I really want to do is rub my tummy and talk to her all day.

Yesterday (that's now the third sentence I've started with that word), I ran into Eaglewoman. Eaglewoman and Ruby have a very sweet friendship - Ruby has been visiting with her for a few years now (YEARS!). When she first showed up she told Eaglewoman she was waiting for her mommy. She's a patient girl. At our 120th Day ceremony an angel brought Ruby's soul down to me while I was in Eaglewoman's healing hands. And yesterday Eaglewoman told me that Ruby was visiting with her and showing her a spider-web type grid - her life grid. I don't know much about grids, except that apparently we all have one... like a life-path. Anyway, she was showing Eaglewoman different colored ribbons and yarns, saying "this one goes here, this one goes here."

What's remarkable about this (you know, aside from my astral-projecting daughter visiting a shaman descended from Geronimo on a regular basis... cause that's just normal, right?) is that I have a little project for Ruby's room that could indeed look a little like a spider-web and uses different colored ribbons and yarns. Cool huh? :) Not even born yet and already making with the symbolism.

Oh and Ruby digs the Clash.

She's one rad kid.

Baby showers and baby dreams

2009-08-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to a baby shower for a young woman who I've known since she was 11. She's 18 now and yes, pregnant. And over the moon about it. And her boyfriend, though very quiet, seems like a sweet, kind, good guy. I was Chelsey's nanny for almost 3 years. We went through a lot in those three years and I watched her (helped her) grow up in a lot of ways. And I learned a lot about parenting from her (and, yes, her brother and sister too). I learned boundaries are good. Sticking to them consistently is better. Control for contol's sake is not good. Listening to the words is good. Listening to the intention behind the actions is better. Listening to your heart is best of all.

I'm incredibly proud of Chelsey - of the young woman she's become. I'm nervous as hell for her too. She'll be 19 when her son is born and that is mighty young. But then again, Ben's mom was 19 was he was born. So was Brigette's mom. And Chelsey has the support of her family and of John's family. And she's the stubbornest, most strong-willed kid I ever met, so I have a lot of faith that she'll be okay. Better than okay. She's had enough experiences of good and not-so-good parenting in her young life to recognize what works and what doesn't. And she's determined to break the bad cycles. She's a remarkable young woman.

We also went to Maya's 7th birthday party last night. Time flies so fast... I remember going to a birthday party for Sat Jiwan, who shares Maya's birthday, when Maya was just 1. Even then, as a little baby, Maya had a glow around her. She had charisma. At 1. She still does - crazy funny silly wonderful girl that she is. I miss our playdates, but she's a big girl now, going into 1 st grade... No, 2nd. 1st? I've lost track. It was great to see her all lit up and happy and playing with her friends - two of whom are named Ruby! (Yes, it's getting more popular, but it's still nowhere near the top of the list...)

Last night I dreamt, among other more horrible things I won't dwell on, that I was out for a jog through a quaint mountain village. I felt amazing - strong, athletic, skinny (!), then I remember I was pregnant and shouldn't be running. So I stopped and walked to a coffee shop, where all of a sudden everyone in the coffee shop was exclaiming about my baby who was no longer inside me, but laying on the counter next to me. She was all wrapped up in a million hats and blankets and I started pulling them all off her, because she was too hot. Within seconds she went from being a 4 month old to an 18-month old, wiggly and chatty and adorable. I was happy to have her but perplexed and sad I wasn't pregnant anymore.

Then the dream switched into this weird fantasy like experience where I was in a clawfoot tub on the ocean being pulled by whales... and then in a giant grand bathroom at a posh restaurant. And there was some bad guys I was meant to catch but they were locked in a statue... Then I missed my plane.

Yeah.

Another cool baby dream - I was sitting in a circle of women, mostly friends, some people I didn't know. One of the women I didn't know had a baby and she kept crawling over to me and into my arms - she was Indian, with dark hair and wide black eyes. I was holding her and thinking how sweet she was and Gurmukh said "Hari Parkash, you're going to be such a great mom. You'll do a great job." That was pretty cool.

Eating and ego

2009-07-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

This week my midwife mentioned that I really should be eating mostly veggies. Not too much fruit, not a lot of heavy proteins, definitely no sugar (ugh) and reduce carbs to just a little bit of whole grains...

I pouted for a while about this, even though I love my veggies... I hate being told what to do and what to eat. I'm stubborn that way.

Then my doula mentioned it to someone else in our prenatal yoga class.

Then my boss said something about it.

Are they all in cahoots?

I don't need more than three signs from the universe to tell me what I already know, which is that I do need more veggies, etc etc. (oh sugary goodies, I miss you!) They are all insisting that it will make labor easier, that it will make sure Ruby doesn't get too big, but grows to just the right size, that it will keep my cool and thus keep her safer for the rest of the pregnancy.

Which got me thinking about the release of ego needed to become a parent... To do what's best for my daughter, even now, while she's still an inside baby, takes a bit of letting go of what I want. That's challenging. It's a challenge I'm incredibly grateful for.

So I'm off to eat more veggies! Where are those red peppers! Bring on the cukes! Lettuce, you are my friend!

Third trimester - no more traveling, lots more naps

2009-07-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while...

Here's what we've been up since May 9:

Went back to Arlington - this is the house I lived in from 4th - 7th grade. House was not that great, but lots of friends on the street made it fun.

Dinner with some HS friends - Thomas, Brig & Kathleen!

Manassas & the battle of Bull Run. Kinda neat.

Always beautiful - Monticello.
Ben and his idol, Thomas Jefferson
Dinner in Chinatown in DC

Lots of sightseeing in DC

My favorite spot in the city

Ruby's first visit to the National Mall
On the train to NYC

We LOVED being on the Lower East Side!
Ben and Frida

The view from our hotel (on superzoom)

Self-portrait on our balcony

Smooch at Central Park

A lovely dinner at our favorite place in Brooklyn with our favorite Brooklyn-ite, Gravity
hee hee!
Ella was happy to see us come home!

That took up a couple weeks...
After that I was traveling almost nonestop for about 2 months. It took its toll, but I'm so glad I was able to do it.

Last weekend we were up in SF for a wonderful baby shower - probably one of the best days of my life. My amazing family + Ben's amazing family + some of our dearest friends all in one house for a day. Just pure joy.

Hand delivered by an angel

2009-05-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention - Eaglewoman told us at the 120th day ceremony that she saw Ruby's spirit come in with an angel... and then the angel left alone.

So glad our little one had a friend drop her off at her new home! I hope her angel friend comes to visit us often - she's more than welcome anytime!!

Kicky little thing

2009-05-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

So I've been saying for a while that Ruby will come out singing "The Wheels on the Bus (Go Round and Round)" since we sing it twice a week in Mommy & Me class. Today she kicked during the whole song. So either she's as sick of it as I am or she really really loves it.

Baby knows her name

2009-05-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today I was talking to my friend Sylvia and I said "This is Ruby" and right on cue - she kicked! Hard!

Already brilliant!

120 days

2009-05-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today is our 120th day. It's been 120 days since this baby in my belly was conceived through magic and joy and with a great deal of help from the nice designers of Space Mountain...

I had a reading with Eaglewoman tonight and she confirmed it's a girl! Not that we didn't ALL already know that. (And yes, we'll be getting some hard evidence soon).

In addition to the myriad of blessings showered upon us, we learned that the baby is strong in Elk Medicine, she likes lavender oil and she's an old soul. She's also capable of great magic. She's surrounded us all with a protective red band of light. And her soul was hand-delivered to us by an angel.

After this incredible experience, we had the blessing to have a ceremony with Gurmukh and a few dear friends - the ceremony is really a celebration for the mother. Gifts are brought for her and blessings given to her - it was joyful and so incredibly validating to hear that a) I'm loved and appreciated, b) that the love I have for Ajax is obvious and bright for all to see and share in and c) that most people we know are sure this sweet baby will be as filled with light and laughter as we are.

It was almost overwhelming to have the two experiences back to back, but I'm so grateful. I feel stronger, more confident and happier. But mostly I just feel so very very blessed.

I can feel the baby moving now more. She loves it when her Daddy touches my tummy or reads to her. I can also "feel" her more - feel her essence and her spirit. She's joyful, but grounded. Ridiculously smart and incredibly playful with a little trickster in her. She knows how loved she is and gives it back times 1000000000...

Enjoying the slow

2009-02-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

In the past few years (or okay maybe in my entire life...) I've never been a particularly patient patient. I don't like being sick, I rail against its cruel injustice and whine and moan about the littlest of sniffly noses. I know - no one likes being sick. I just think I'm kind of a baby about it...

And while I'm certainly not sick right now, I am definitely down for the count more often than not these days. And my tummy is doing very bizarre things, so food is a very strange odyssey at the moment (case in point: dinner two nights ago was garlic & olive oil pasta from a box and some grapefruit... though I did add spinach to the pasta, so there was a modicum of health in the meal.)

But here's the weird thing - I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of this experience. The complete and utter exhaustion (I just slept for 10 hours and I'm yawning...), the weird food cravings (and aversions, currently just sesame oil) and the funky tummy. I'm exceedingly grateful that I'm not throwing up, but every rumble just means hormones are doing what they are supposed to do.

I'm also learning to let things be - our house could use a thorough cleaning and has been in that state for a few weeks... I just don't have the energy to freak out about it. We'll get to it. It's not unlivable. It just is what it is. And that's just fine.

Wow.

2009-02-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Just. Wow.

I'm now officially 7 weeks pregnant. And I'm still in shock a little, even though we've known for 3 weeks.

The crazy thing is that we weren't "trying" (or, as Brian says, we hadn't made the decision to pull the goalie!) In fact, we were actively NOT trying... (or, uh, to continue the metaphor the goalie was supposed to be in place...) We had a whole plan... I'd do more traveling for the RA thing in the spring, then we'd go to Europe and we'd, well, leave the goalie in America so to speak. In fact, the Saturday before we found out, I'd kind of freaked Ajax out a bit by vocalizing that plan and all that it meant (truth be told, I was saying that if we got pregnant in May or June I'd be pretty far along for our friends wedding, which is a costume wedding over Halloween weekend and I was considering going as a pregnant nun until I remember that Rin's family is pretty Catholic! More on the wedding in a bit...)

So anyway, you know what God does when you make plans...

He gives you a baby 5 months before you expected one!

Or laughs.

Or both.

I knew pretty much immediately when I didn't get my period that I was pregnant. I knew I wasn't "late". I should have gotten my period on a Sunday. Monday I got a pregnancy test. Ajax was home when I got home (I love it when he gets home first!) and I just kind of blurted it out... "I think I'm pregnant... and I have a test kit."

So I went in and peed on a stick. I got a digital read out one - I didn't want there to be any confusion... Ajax and I sat on the edge of our bed and watched the digital readout go from flashing to "pregnant." We stared at it for about half a second and then burst out laughing. We were supposed to go out that night, both to a reading by Ajax's friend Charlie and then to dinner with Brian, Blue and visiting Hippo Andres. We declined all offers... but Brian wouldn't take no for an answer and they appeared on our doorstep. Very hard to have such a big secret and not let them in on it!!!

The next day was the hardest day ever - to have that big secret and NOT. TELL. ANYONE. Agh. I did call Leslie, ostensibly just to say hi, but she could hear "something" in my voice... we had plans that night to go and inauguration ball and she called me three times "what's going on? what's up? your voice sounds different..." :) My sister... she's pretty dang intuitive... We did end up telling Brian at the Ball that night... in return he punched Ajax in the face. Twice. (Was going in for a hug, but missed...)

I went for the blood test on Wednesday and we were thinking we would wait until that was back from the lab to tell everyone... but we couldn't wait, so we started making calls that night. I don't know how people wait until they are 12 weeks... Everyone is, not surprisingly, thrilled for us.

The first couple weeks we knew I felt pretty good. No nausea, not too tired... but at the end of last week - whammo! So far I've managed to not toss my cookies, but my stomach is just... off. I don't know what to eat, don't want veggies at all, which is so weird for me. I want soft, warm and comforting... perogies, mashed potatoes... I'm eating a lot of dairy. I had tuna last night and it was very much NOT GOOD. So dairy it is.

And the exhaustion... man oh man. Yesterday I was in bed all day - didn't really sleep, but just didn't have any energy. And today is more of the same I think.

I already have a bit of a belly too... I gained a little weight after the wedding, but honestly it's all in my tummy... I definitely can't wear my old jeans (though I got a bella band at Target, so hopefully I can again...) If Leslie hadn't given me a pair of her maternity jeans I'd have nothing to wear but yoga pants!!

There's so much more to write, but I have to go back to bed now...

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T15:28:00.000-08:00

This year's Christmas has been quiet - no travel, not a lot of time off... but today has been lovely. Cinnamon buns for breakfast, rain on and off all day, Christmas Story on constant rotation, new video games to explore and new recipes to attempt. As I sit here in our cozy kitchen, my first roast beef is in the oven and it smells heavenly in here. Need to get off my duff soon and make some green beans & yorkshire pudding.

I miss my family today something fierce... As strange as it feels to not be with my mom & pops or my sister, it also feels really right and good to be here with Ajax. I think this will most likely be the one, only and last Christmas we spend just the two of us. Next year we're insisting that Mom & Pops come here (and hopefully other years to follow). And the year after that we'll be parents, God willing. So we're enjoying our sweet time here together. But we miss our families. Sometimes quiet is too quiet.

38 special

2008-12-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

I am currently 16 minutes away from my 38th birthday.

Been kind of gloomy and in a funk the past week... I'm blaming it (officially) on insomnia, Ajax's cold, lonely hotel night, unhealthy take-out and lack of exercise. (Oh and Ajax says: "winter blues")

Were I to give you an "unofficial" reason for the general malaise and out of the blue crying it might sound a little like this:
WAH WAH WAH I FEEL OLD (and I never have before and I wish my knee would stop with the creaking and what the hell? I don't look old and if I'm old now I'll be really really old when I have a baby and really really really really old when that baby does anything remotely important like walks or drives or wins the Nobel Peace Prize and then it'll be horrible and my life will be over and and and...)

Yeah.

So I'm sticking by my official reasons.

Winter blues sounds about right.

Also "Full Moon" which apparently is going to wreak havoc on my life... tomorrow.

So happy birthday me.

11 minutes left.

I know I'm being silly and honestly the general bummed-outedness I feel probably IS winter blues and the full moon and bad food and lack of exercise. And let's not forget this week's fun fun fun insomnia. You know - where I either can't fall asleep at all for hours, OR wake up every couple of hours OR just wake up at 3 for no reason and lie there staring at the ceiling fan (and wondering if Ajax would notice if I dusted it while he slept below it... it's really dirty. I should know - I stare at it all fucking night.)

Grrr... insomnia. Been hanging around with Brian and Blue too long - their affliction has obviously rubbed off on me.

8 minutes.

I'm going to keep writing until midnight, so I can both say and write the word "rabbit" at 12:00. Because when I was a kid my Popsicle told me that if you say "rabbit" first thing when you wake up on your birthday you'll have good luck all year long. I've never heard that from anyone else, so he might have been making it up on the spot. (I can see him right now going "who me? make it up? what?")

So in the next 5 minutes I will list all the things I am really truly happy about in my life. (So sue me if it looks a lot like my Thanksgiving list...)

Ajax - I worked a long late day today, very stressy as all week has been at work and when I got home, he cuddled with me on our bed, gave me the convenient "winter blues" reasoning for my tears and let me cry them nonetheless... for a few minutes. Then he made me laugh. He always does that! Darn that Ajax with his smiling eyes and sweet kisses.

Brian moving back here, preferably in our neighborhood. I hadn't really let myself realize how much I missed him until he was here this week. I missed him living here a fucking lot. Damn. So sad he's moving here sans Surlita, but so happy he's coming back to LA.

Mommy & Me class - all those cute babies grinning up at me and sweet moms chatting with me. I am happy everytime I teach that class and see cute little Ava practically doubled-over with delight about the "Wheels on the Bus" song or when Jude or Leela climbs up on the teacher's bench to help me teach.

My house - it's clean (yay!), it's warm and it's cute.

My family - oh my gosh, I could go on for hours... but I have a minute. Literally. Mom & Pops have always provided me with an amazing foundation and example for marriage and for life.

oh!

RABBIT!

I am officially 38.

Can I go to bed now?

Gratitude

2008-12-06T20:36:00.001-08:00

Dear life,

Thank you for being so wonderful. We have the cutest little cottage on a hill overlooking the Hollywood sign and Griffith Park (please grow back fast btw). I have a husband who is sweet and true and funny and great in bed. I have a family who is for the most part healthy and doing well and friends across the globe who I adore. My cats are adorable, lovey and playful. My job is great - challenging, rewarding and interesting. Tonight I got to make a delicious dinner and enjoy it by candlelight with said husband and cats (who sat at the two empty chairs, cuties that they are).

I am so filled with gratitude and happiness, I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I really didn't know life could be this amazing. I always hoped, but wow. I am so very very blessed.

Sighing with joy,
Whimsy

This is a letter I posted in IndieBride tonight. And it's all so true. I love my life. I love my sweet husband and my great family and my funny cats and my cute house and my fun job. I wake up sometimes and just can't believe my luck. A baby will make it even sweeter... soon. Someday. We're talking openly about it. We've made plans. We have a timeline. We're almost there.

In the TMI department I am currently, this very day, ovulating. I've never been as aware of it as I was yesterday. I got an email from a friend that she's 3 1/2 months along with her second. I taught my Mommy & Me class, filled with adorable crawling babies and one of my two favorite moms and kids came - Morgan and Jude. And Morgan is also 3 1/2 months pregnant. It was the first time I was really completely aware of my "ticking clock" I hate that phrase, btw.

About 6 weeks ago I went to the doctor for a yeast infection (I thought - turned out to be the complete opposite: vulva somethingorother, which seems just like a yeast infection but is made 100 times worse by anything you'd do for a yeast infection - AGGHHH!).... anyway. I saw the "new girl" a new nurse practioner - not Dr. Feder or my dear Karin (pron Karinne), midwife and also nurse practioner and also the only person I'd consider NOT having a homebirth for... just so I could go to her birthcenter (I love her THAT much!). Anyway - this new person (annoyingly named Karen, so confusing) let one of those bombs drop. One of those bombs you never ever want to hear when you are over 35 (okay over 37) on the verge of conceiving, but "have a plan" as we do... She said "Don't wait."

Fuck off lady. I would go for it TODAY if I didn't know that it isn't the best time for our family. But we do "have a plan." That plan involves waiting until May to start trying for a myriad of reasons: I can get in a few more months of RISE seminars (at $2K a pop, it's nothing to sneeze at); we can go to Europe when it's not absolutely icey and frigid... those are the reasons. So we'll wait.

The next 5 ovulation cycles will undoutcdbly be frustrating and a little sad for me - so I will use them to be grateful and joyful and happy for my amazing life. And know that each month brings us closer to an even more amazing and beautiful life.

Bouncing Babies, recipes and starting new traditions

2008-11-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

Today I'm attempting to make bouncing babies - an oven-baked pancake that is basically yorkshire pudding but made with butter rather than whatever fat it is that makes yorkshire pudding so dang yummy.

I found a bouncing babies recipe online - I really need my mom's. (hint hint) They're in the oven now and yum - they smell amazing. I've got my lemons (from the tree!!!) and powdered sugar ready (and butter and syrup in case some infidel wants to them that way).

I'm making these bouncing babies - a staple in our house growing up for weekend breakfasts. And it got me thinking about my mom, food and recipes. So this morning I pulled out my sad excuse for a recipe box to see if I had Mom's recipe and I realized that most of the recipes in my little file card box were cut out from the Washington Post back when I lived in DC... you know - 15 YEARS AGO!!! Some of them were interesting - all of them are veggie, most were tofu based. I cleared out some of them (don't eat a lot of tofu these days - soy = bad). I tossed a lot of the recipes and will probably toss a few more later.

Recipes are a lot like a history book - most of the recipes in that box are reminders of a bygone era when I first was becoming vegetarian and when I lived with roommates, not a husband. The recipes in my Mom's big wooden box are like signposts of my childhood - bouncing babies, Andalusion Condiment Soup (takes all day, but oh so fun and oh so good!), that amazing chocolate cake Mom would make for my birthday that was so moist and not overly chocolatey, and which was made for the lame excuse for a birthday party my friends tried to throw me when I turned 17.

As we are now fully into the holiday season, Ajax and I have been talking a lot about traditions - what we want to start for our family, what we want to keep from our own childhood and incorporate and what we want to begin. Thanksgiving will definitely need some tweaking - or more turkey-cooking practice on my end (brine brine brine). We've already marked our calendars to help out at Gobble Gobble Give next year in the morning and cook in the afternoon - I'm already looking forward to doing that.

For Christmas, we're going to do our Christmas CD again (get ready!) and I really look forward to continuing that tradition with our kids as they get older. This is our first Christmas here at our home - just the two of us this year. We're thinking we'll steal Scott & Sue's tradition of a big Christmas Eve dinner so we can left overs on Christmas Day, leaving that day for playing, relaxing and maybe a hike in the park.

For me, holidays are about cooking, but I get overwhelmed with the amount of recipes that are out there in the world to try. I'd like to narrow it down to a few that I master and make every year. The ginger snap crusted sweet potato pie was a good start, but not quite there. The lemon roasted green beans were also close but not quite it. I'd like to find those recipes and get them down pat - I see a future filled with kids helping in the kitchen and I'd like them to call me when they are grown-ups and ask for that recipe I always made... just like I do with my mom!

PS - here is the finished bouncing baby! It was delicious, yes, but not as good as my Moms. Nothing ever is.

Since one of my first posts on this blog was our Thanksgiving menu I thought I'd do it again:

Turkey roasted with a rosemary/parsley and orange butter (and 'stuffed' with 1/2 an orange, 1/2 a lemon, and a couple sprigs of rosemary from the garden).
Roasting with the little turkey (8 lb!) are potatoes, carrots, parsnips, onion, celery & shallots.
Veggies: Lemon-roasted green beans with Marcona almonds (with lemons from our tree natch!)
Also starring:
Shauna's cornbread
Cranberry Orange relish

For later:
Caramel Sweet Potato Pie with Gingersnap Crust
Marlene's grandma's Brooklyn Cheesecake.

Photos will be posted...

Turkey is in the oven now, dishes are washed. Need to set the table with a clean, non-cat hairy tablecloth, and fresh napkins. Think I'll actually break out the 'nice' silver ware and fancy goblets too. (Hmmmmm... wonder if we have any wine!)

Better get that cornbread going.
And make the dough for the molasses cookies I'll be taking to Mommy & me tomorrow!

I am incredibly grateful for our big kitchen and double oven right about now!

Thankful

2008-11-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

On this bright and sunny Thanksgiving morning I thought I'd post a photolog of all that I am grateful for.

Here goes...

My husband & my marriage.

My Family:

My friends:

My home:

My kittens:

Every day I thank God for these and all the blessings in my life. I am so lucky, so happy, so blessed.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Mix Tape

2008-11-25T21:45:00.001-08:00

Amara turned two!

2008-11-25T16:11:00.001-08:00

got it., originally uploaded by Whimsy Valentine.

And learned how to blow out candles!

More later!

Starting to plan

2008-11-16T21:32:00.001-08:00

We're starting to map out our trip to Europe...

The hearts represent places we'd like to go - so far the list is long but exciting:

Frankfurt
Paris (roadtrip?!)
Avignon
Florence
Perugia
Rome
Elba
Venice
Vienna
Prague
Munich

I predict a few nights of being lulled to sleep by the rocking of the train.

I also predict romantic walks along cobble-stone streets, late afternoons lingering over cafe au lait or sachertorte, surprises around every corner and a journey we will remember for the rest of our lives!

Happy to be home

2008-11-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

Home again, home again.

Got home on Wednesday and was very happy I was smart enough to book myself a massage for that afternoon - it was well deserved and much needed after so many days on planes, lugging heavy bags about.

All in all the trip was a roaring success - I've since heard from the Snow Assoc. people (the folks who "officially" hired me) and they said I've gotten rave reviews from both the audiences and the field staff! What a sweet compliment!

Some highlights from the trip - an absolutely fun sleepover at Erin's in Hyde Park. Obama works out in her building and was actually IN THE BUILDING while I was there. I didn't see him of course, but still - soooo cool!

Also got to spend Sunday afternoon and night with Grandma. I realized as I was driving to Rockford IL (which, by the way, is not somewhere I ever really need to go again), that I haven't ever gotten one-on-one time with Grandma. Ever. In all the 27 years she's been my grandmother! Turns out she's got a bit of a rebellious streak in her! She told me that she did vote for Obama (Yay Grandma!) and she sounded disappointed that her brother-in-law (my Great- Uncle Henry) probably voted for McCain! She also told me that when she was looking for a car back in the 80's she wanted a forest green car because there weren't a lot on the road and she wanted something unique... she likes to have her own style! I would have to say that was probably the best part of the trip - that night with Grandma. I know I'll most likely not get that opportunity again any time soon and it was really a treat to get to know her without parents and cousins around!

Bummer of the trip was the crap-ass hotel in Rockford. There was no comforter on the bed, no trashcans in the room, the showerhead was so black with mold and mildew I refused to shower there and to top it all off, the towel rack holding the hand towels (which was mounted inexplicably at about 7 feet up) came crashing down onto my head when I pulled a towel off. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!

Now I'm back and watching the smoke from these crazy fires drift across the sky - it's as hot as summer today and it's the 2nd anniversary of Ajax arriving in LA and the start of our life together! We're treating ourselves to a nice dinner tonight and drinks at the Dresden Room afterwards!

Looking around our cute house and feeling Ella asleep on my leg (and Buster asleep on the dining room table - we have obviously lost that battle completely), I am completely overwhelmed with gratitude and pride for the life we have created. I am married to the man of my dreams - a man who supports me, encourages me, loves me utterly, makes me laugh everyday and is in all ways my partner. I am truly so very very blessed.

On the road... oh the humanity.

2008-11-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm officially a business traveller. I spent pretty much all day yesterday in airports or on a plane. I love travelling - I love planes and airports and the whole ritual of it. It can get tiring, yeah, but there's something about moving outside of my comfort zone that's really invigorating. Also I really like people watching. And right now I'm down in the much-maligned Bible Belt, soaking up southern accents and sweetness. As a whole, the South often gets a bad rap, but on an individual basis I tend to feel quite happy here - folks are so friendly and warm and oh - you know I love those accents. Picked it right up too... as usual.

Right now I'm posting from the hotel in Little Rock ~~restaurant~~ sports bar watching about 7 different college games and feeling pretty homesick for my Dallas family. (Hook 'em horns!) Across from me is a mom, with her twin girls, dressed alike natch and their grandma who is asking the girls if they'd like some "dee-ip". An older couple watching the game and not talking. A couple of guys drinking beers and eating burgers.

Earlier I did my first RA seminar - talking to some very sweet people about why exercise is so important. I think it went well... I almost left out one part but managed to put it in later in the talk and I don't think I talked too fast. Doing this - being on my own, not knowing anyone (all the other seminar speakers and facilitators know each other) and then teaching... all definitely outside my comfort zone. Big time. But it's really fun! I was really nervous - I haven't been nervous in front of a crowd for a while (well, since the wedding, but that was different!), and it was really interesting to watch my mind roll and rumble as I started. I kept hearing Ajax say "whenever you feel nervous, go slower" and that was the perfect advice! That and remember that a) most of these folks don't exercise and b) I am here to help them get stronger and heal a little.

Okay - lunch is here - more later! I'm off to Chicago for a couple days and then another seminar in Rockford IL and one more in South Carolina before I get to go home. I miss home already!

YES. We CAN.

2008-11-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

Money and the Universal Mind

2008-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

Just a little note about money... I've been noticing on various news-ish sites lately (Yahoo Finance, Suze Orman) a disturbing new trend to tell people why they aren't rich or how they have completely and totally fucked up their lives financially. Now granted that last one was just an article about what was, I'm sure, a much more in-depth and enlightening Oprah episode with Suze Orman about things we can do to tighten belts and not freak out during this recession.

Not freak out.

And yet everyone is. It's all over the news, on everyone's lips, it's everywhere.

And not without good reason. But here's the thing - even the people who know better, the "Secret" folks, the "Law of Attraction" devotees are talking about it. Heck, even my boss is holding a special "batten down the hatches" meeting next week. And that's all fine to tighten up a little, not go all crazy with the spending. Except that if everyone stops spending AND keeps talking about how no one has any money, won't we just keep perpetuating that cycle, both physically and energetically?

My dad keeps sending me "Don't panic" emails, which I honestly and truly appreciate. It's sweet and since we both use the same financial advisor, I'm gathering that his "Don't panic" edicts are really coming from her, so it's reassuring too. But the thing is: I'm not panicking. Not actually too worried. Sure we'll eat a few less meals out - we've been doing that anyway. And the new couch we were hoping for (and really do need soon) will wait. But we're both employed, have good job security and have some money in savings and a little more money in stocks.

But at the same time, if we sit in house, scared to spend anything, then it feels like we aren't really contributing to the greater good - isn't the point to at least spend a little so the economy will grow? Personally if I have a meal at Local or Town & Country, I feel like I'm contributing to my local economy. And that feels good - I'm helping to keep a business afloat, I tip well enough to feel like I'm helping out those with less than I have (the servers, because let's face it, waiting tables doesn't net you a lot of dough).

Well, that's my two cents.

Magic

2008-10-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Ajax and I did a little spell for success - it was a simple spell, involving lavender oil, and chanting over a yellow candle. Before chanting, we had to hold our candles and visualize our desires, see ourselves receiving whatever it is we wanted to receive, opening a letter or acceptance, or seeing a bigger paycheck, etc etc.

As I held my candle, I realized with some dismay, that I had no definite goal. No concrete thing that had to do with work or career that I could visualize for myself. At first, I was upset by that realization, then looked a little deeper into the feeling of being upset. Moved through it to a place of surrender and asked myself how I do visualize MY LIFE in the next few years.

And what I saw was a happy house, a little chaotic, with toddlers running amok and Ajax and I both juggling home-based jobs and kids. Juggling in a good way - both of us able to be home with our kids whenever possible.

So that's what I wished for - that's what I visualized.

Will you visualize it with me?

Facebook and a foggy morning

2008-09-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months... a long long few months filled with joyous events like our beautiful wedding and another wild weird eye & soul-opening trip to Burning Man.

And now it's officially fall. I can tell by the way the fog hangs in the palm trees in the morning. It's making me nostalgic for Virginia or Vermont; for those cool mornings when you didn't really have to do anything for a few hours and the weather made it okay to just curl up and read in bed for a few more hours.

But today I am here to admit something many of you already know:

Hi, my name is Brooke and I am a Facebook addict.

It's true.

It's sad.

But here are some of the good things that have happened because of Facebook:

I got to see recent pictures of Chelsey and the twins (Chelsey will be 18 soon! yikes!). I still miss those kids, even after 4 years.

I have connected with people from college that I wasn't actually that good friends with, but always really liked. And am having lunch with a bunch of them tomorrow!

I discovered that one of my old Woodmont/Swanson/W-L schoolmates lives in LA... and his wife takes my Mommy & Me class. I "officially" met her yesterday, and adore her, and we're all planning to get together for brunch soon! So yay for NEW friendships from old acquaintances.

I keep up with friends I've been missing over the years - friends I've know since kindergarten, or junior high, or high school, or college or even just in other lives here in LA. It's awesome to see that my friend Audra, from those weird years with Candace, just had a baby. A little weird to see that her mobile updates while she was in labor, but such in the modern world we live in! And it was a great way to let a lot of people know in a short amount of time.

But here's why I like Facebook the most right now:
There are folks in my friends list I wasn't necessarily BFF with in high school - some I just plain didn't really like. We had different priorities, or they were prettier/more popular than me and I held it against them, or whatever... But now we're all in our (oh God!) late-30's and I look at photos of them with their kids and wives or husbands and I realize that none of that really mattered. I am truly happy to see these people as adults, smiling with their cute kids and find myself wondering what kind of adult did they turn out to be? Are they someone I could be friends with now? And most of the time the answer's yes. And thankfully I get to have that chance. It's cool.

I was once accused of wanting to hold onto a friendship simply because it was an old friendship, because we'd be friends since we were 6. And my answer to that accusation then (and now) is no - I want to hold onto a friendship that old because it's been a part of my soul for so long that to lose it completely would be like cutting off my little toe. Yes, I may not need my little toe, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't miss it if it were gone.

In the time that I've waxed somewhat poetic about a social network site, the fog has completely lifted off the garden and out of the palm trees, leaving behind a beautiful, clear and crisp morning behind. I was hoping for a cooler day, some time to work in the garden, but that will have to be later, when it cools off a bit. In Southern California it's always summer.

Back on the Grid

2008-04-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

The last week or so has been rough. Work stress for both of us and a bit of a Hippo decom made the end of last week up until this week rocky and frustrating.

For me, I felt like I was drowning under my new work responsibilities, my old work responsibilities and my personal responsibilities (hotel blocks! registries! ring designs! oh my!)... and the more overwhelmed I felt the more I could feel old patterns of "gotta do everything perfectly, can't complain, just suck it up..." rearing their ugly heads.

And okay, it didn't help that I was PMS-ing bigtime and having not really had bad PMS before going on the pill for a year, and not having it all while I was on the pill, I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, hormonally-speaking. (Also my monthly visitor arrived abotu 4 days early... which is better than late, don't get me wrong!)

Add all of that to taxes (oh oh oh we owe!) and a major energy shift at work, as we tried, unsuccessfully to buy out the stockholders and wham bam! All of that led to one very stressed out me... I should have clued in and realized it was time to slow down for a bit when I gashed up my little finger doing dishes. (Probably should have gotten stitches... or at least had a doc look at it, but it seems to be fine now. Bled for fuckin-ever though.)

By the time Friday night, the last weekend of Teacher Training, rolled around I was already exhausted and so not in the mood for catching Gurmukh's stressed out flak about how we were doing our practicums. (My standard answer of "It's what we did last year and it was fine then" didn't seem to appease her.)

I will say this though - working out has made me stronger emotionally. Rather than backpedaling when being questioned, I stood my ground. So much so, actually, that Tej had to say "We're not criticizing you, Hari Parkash." (Really? Cause it kind of feels like it.)

Long story short, I was ready for the weekend by 9:30 on Monday!

But I wasn't alone! Marlene had similar issues. So did Ben. So when I ran into Eaglewoman on Monday afternoon I asked her what was up... and she agreed that the energy of the full moon (oh yeah? Did I mention the full moon?) had things wacky. She also said that she'd noticed on Friday night my energy was off, and she was already sending me healing energy and that she wanted to gift me with a free session. SCORE!

Now all of that is a longgggg way of getting to the heart of this episode, which was today's incredible session with Eaglewoman.

I will start by saying that I was already feeling much more productive, more appreciated and stronger in the last couple of days. Without getting all "woman-power" about it, I do think the release of getting my period (have I mentioned it was 4 dang days early?) helped immensely. But I was not prepared at all really for the incredible power of this session with Eaglewoman.

We started as we always do with an opening of the space in which she says a prayer, as I (or anyone getting a treatment) stand, slightly pigeon-toed and knees soft, hands open, spine tall. As she began her prayer I felt an immense sense of calm come over me. Then I felt tingles all up and down my spine as I saw the spirit of a young man walk around me, brushing my aura with an eagle feather. I asked to see his face and when he stood in front of me, all I saw was the deep, kind eye of a hawk, yellow and blinking calmly. Ooookaay... stage was set for some powerful mojo.

After the prayer I laid down on the massage table, and Eaglewoman covered me up with a blanket and covered my eyes with a soft cotton cloth. Her treatments are very interactive, there's no drifting off as the angels just do their magic. You've got to do some work as well... She gently places her hands on different parts of my body - mostly my heart center and tummy and begins to ask different questions: "I am feeling that you are overly stressed - how does this resonate with you? It feels like you are attached to your thinking side of your brain, your analytical side, more than usual. Breathe deeply and go back to the point where this pattern was triggered. What happened there?"

It sounds silly, but it's hard work to dig that deep and trust so much. And a lot of issue came up. Like trust - as in my ability to really trust myself on a deep level to have what it takes to live up to this new promotion. Or on an ever deeper level to be a mother. Because, as she told me for the second time, there is a little soul petitioning very very hard to come over. She says it's a boy.

But don't go getting all excited - other people have said we'll have girls, and both Ajax and I have envisioned girls in our own meditations and trances. Actually it's kind of interesting that she's said a boy, because it's showing me my own investment in having a daughter. What I really want is a healthy happy child. A girl or a boy. I know we can raise an son to be a incredible man. One of the first things I thought when Ajax and I first got together was that with him, I'd be excited to raise a son because I know he'd be such a good powerful kind compassionate man. So who knows...

Back to the treatment...
(this is getting long...)

As we moved deeper into the session (which at once seemed to fly by in 10 minutes and also seemed to be two hours), Eaglewoman helped me to uncover some deep seeded fears of moving foward into my own strength. And helped me move into a stronger feeling of self-worth and appreciation for my own gifts. She also said that because I am so sensitive I take on the emotions (worry, fear, frustration...) of those closest to me (who me?), but what I have to learn is that because I am empathic, I need to learn how to discern what is mine and what is not. And to also learn not to take the stuff that's not mine so personally.

She also said that when I'm stressed, I tend to think from my analytic mind, relying on facts, figures and what I know. But in the end relying on that stuff doesn't actually help, but hurts because when I go to that left brained world, I turn off the intuitiveness and the creativity of the other side. So it's time to "forget what I know and remember what I've forgotten."

And with that release we went deeper. The whole time she was saying that she was re-aligning my grid and my position on the grid. As she worked on solidifying the grid, she said that the elders were placing a big emerald on my heart center and were handing me the archives - both of which are thing she'd not seen with other people before. Basically it means that it's really really time for me to step fully into my spiritual power and to start expecting miracles. Not to look for them, but just expect them to arrive.

It was a powerful experience. During the hour I went wayyy out to old lives, felt I was looking over an ocean from inside a cave on a cliff and felt as if I understood the entire universe and could heal the world.

After the session we were talking about the experience - we both agreed the ocean vision felt Atlantean (Atlantic?). I'm sure I had a lifetime in Atlantis (oh here I go, all woo-woo!) as a healer, but Eaglewoman confirmed it and said not only was I a healer but I could also move things telepathically.

We also talked a little about my dreams, which are getting more and more vivid... And her take on my dreams is that, just like in waking life, I am able to shift energy and create healing energy for the people I am dreamign about. Usually it's me in the dream, but she said that I have to start learning how to discern when it really is me, and when it's someone else that I am helping to heal. So I have to become more lucid in dreamstate. This will be interesting...

After the session I felt both 12 feet tall and light as a feather. Now I am tired. But so so so very grateful. Grateful that I spend my days in a place that encourages the kind of energy work I did today, grateful that I got to spend two hours of my workday babysitting my friend Elizabeth's little girl, and most grateful of all to come home to a beautiful house on top of a hill to find two sweet happy kittens and one amazing husband.

Back on the grid. And life is good.

And we're back.

2008-04-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Back to Los Angeles. Back to work. Back to Mount Valentine...

We came back to LA and to amazing weather. 85 degrees. Sunny, light breeze. Just perfect. To say we were already ready for the weekend by about 10 am on Thursday would be a serious understatement. Imagine - a whole weekend with NOTHING TO DO! No plans, other than laundry. Oh and the wedding registry. Oh... and designing the invites. Oh... and dishes. Oh... and grocery shopping. Oh... and getting kitty food and flea treatment (for kitties and maybe for me too... grrr). Oh... and most important - weed out the garden!

But beyond that - nothing to do! And to be honest not much got done yesterday. Just the laundry. Well it got washed and dried. Putting it away will be today's task. Along withe above mentioned list of stuff...

So what did get done yesterday? A lovely long roundabout walk to Silver Lake Blvd for breakfast at the uber-swanky LAMILL Coffee shop. It's really not fair to call this place with it's mirrored walls and green snake-skin-like chairs and it's super fancy coffee a coffee shop. It's a coffee experience. The food was amazing too. I had baked eggs with a little bit of bacon and mushrooms - perfect size, absolutely tasty! And a virgin mojito, for which I am a sucker. This one had a mild iced tea, mint, club soda and sugar. Lots of the latter - it could have been less and still been yummy. Ben's coffee was strong, flavorful and not bitter.

A faster walk back along Sunset meant I could leave another message (this time in person!) for the manager at the Comfort Inn... this makes 5 in 5 weeks. Annoying, especially considering I am looking to give them a fair amount of business...

Back at Mount Valentine laundry was begun. Kittens were played with and cuddled. They are so happy we're home. Buster can't seem to disengage himself from my neck if I'm in bed. Boy is he going to be confused when I have a kid who's pretty much in that same region on a regular basis! Ella just rolls around in ecstasy every time we go near her and lets us rub her little heart-center, purring the whole time.

Around 2:00 I checked the Gluten-Free Girl's website and found an intriguing post on arepas. Little cornmeal pancakes. It called for pre-cooked white cornmeal, found mostly at Latino markets. Well, hello! We are surrounded by Latino markets! What a great excuse for another walk... So Ben and I went down to the better of the three within a 5 minute walk, stopping at the antique shops along the way.

Also stopped at Simple, which is a very cute little party store.. emphasis on little. But they sell lemon drops and gumballs in paint cans! PAINT CANS! And have not one, not two, but FOUR cupcake recipe books. We now need to throw a party. Who's birthday is next? (Ahem, Brian...)

At the market, I found a dizzying array of flours - rice, corn, wheat... not your average Von's this place... we ended up also coming with with the tostaditas, lime, avocado and real Mexican cokes. Mexican sodas don't have any corn or high fructose syrup. Just plain old regular sugar. You can taste the difference. And they come in much smaller bottles, just 12 oz as opposed to those crazy 48 oz things you get at 7-11.

As we walked home, I could already taste lunch: left-over roast chicken, tossed with fresh lime juice and sprinkled with salt, laying on fresh avocado all on a crispy tostada. With lime juice drizzled cucumbers on the side. And that ice cold coke. mmmmmmm.... It was just as delicious as I thought it was going to be! I could eat that every day for a week! (In fact I will probably have it for lunch today!) We ate our lunch on the veranda (we're now calling the porch the veranda... much more fitting for Mount Valentine) and stayed out there reading until we were too hot and had to come in. I think we lasted about 2 hours.

Then a luscious nap before getting up and attempting the arepas. Mixing them was easy - pour lukewarm water into the cornmeal and mush up with your hand. It felt neat - like gritty clay. The directions on the bag said to let it sit for five minutes so I did. Next time I make them I will try Shauna's recipe, which has a different ratio of cornmeal to water and also has oil. And no waiting - you just pop them right on the skillet. And then you wait. They have to cook for a long time on both sides and then in the oven too.

When they were done (or rather, when I couldn't wait any more because it was 9 pm and I was hungry) I cut one up and the inside was mushy and it tasted like cream of wheat, but with a corny flavor. I thought it was weird. I put some butter on it. Better. Duh.

Ben actually really like them, and ended up using two for buns for his buffalo burger and was really happy about it. So that's good. I will attempt them again later today... I think mine need to be thicker and a little bigger.

So yeah - after the registry, the invites, after the dishes, after the GARDEN, I will make more arepas. Mostly because I just really really like saying arepas!

Goodbye Brooklyn!

2008-04-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

This has been an incredible experience, filled with good friends, fantastic food and lots of great wine!

I'll write more soon when I've gotten my notes together and can write about everything (and post pictures to go along with it), but I can tell you why we are standing next to a giant pig...

Last month sometime I was reading some food blog about a rice and cheese ball (ahem, fried rice and cheese ball). The photo made it look so good and the post from whatever blog I'd found my way to had been all about these hipster kids who lived in Manhattan and walked across the bridge and found this place called Espositos... and that's where they got the rice balls. Turns out Espositos is only about 5 blocks from Gravity's house, so on Monday I ran in and got a rice and cheese ball. Sadly, I forgot that the blog had advised that you ask them to heat it up, so mine was cold and not nearly as tasty as the picture led me to believe. BUT the place was really cool - smallish, a LOT of meat and just really New York. Plus I just really thought it was cool that I could read about someplace and get there.

We ended up also get some soprasata (spelling???) there which was so yummy that we're bringing a roll of it home for Jimmy and Abby.

In our last few hours here (car comes at 2:30 to take us away from the magic-land known to us as Carroll Gardens), we'll take the last of Ben's stuff to the pack & ship, get a little gifty for Blue (who's probably reading this, so I'm not saying what she's getting!), and tool around Smith Street.

I've loved every single minute of being here. It's been a magical experience - every day different, every day fun and relaxing and perfect. And so much like the playa that I know deep-down, if we actually ever moved here, it would never be like it was this week. This week has been a week of ideals - every night spent dining out (or in) with good friends, every day spent walking somewhat aimlessly from place to place. Not a real life. But a really wonderful vacation from real life.

New York = Playa in real time

2008-04-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

So this weekend has been an amazing combination of fantastic food and incredible friends... but what has struck me the most this trip is how much like Burning Man this experience is. I'm not naive enough (or hopeful enough!) to think that New York is just like this all the time. It's the entire package - staying with Gravity, seeing Brian and Surly and all our amazing hippos and the almost total lack of structure we enjoyed over the weekend.

I was thinking yesterday more about Brian's party. It was mostly Hippos: us, Gravity, Brian and Surly, Playatollah and Ruckus, David and Victor, Marguiles... enough to feel like we were in the dome or the SAO and what I finally realized yesterday was that once again, when I'm with Hippos I'm home. It's a lot like when I see Mom or am just at home with Ajax - I'm the most comfortable, the most at peace I ever am. So many times at parties, even at parties where I know people really well, I feel awkward and weird and not sure of myself or what to talk about. But just like being at Burning Man, Saturday night was a night of feeling confident, cute, sexy, smart and well, to be honest, appreciated and loved. It's a powerful feeling. And I think everyone felt that way - we were all sort of high in a different way from the powerful combination of our energies.

Yesterday was really similar. We went out for dimsum with Brian, Surly and Brian's brother Andy and adorable, non-annoyingly precocious nephew Chase (the kid can put away some dimsum!). It was a slow morning, everyone on their own time, knowing that eventually our collective times would match up and we'd be where we were supposed to be. After dimsum, Ajax and I tooled around Brooklyn with Gravity. I gotta say I am loving Brooklyn. The families, the young couples - total hipster vibe, but really just awesome. Then Ajax and I hopped the train to Manhattan, with the idea of going by Golden Bridge so I'd know where I was going this morning. But as luck would have it, we ended up on an express train and the first stop that made sense to get off at was Union Square. So we called Ruckus and dropped in on him for a few hours... It was really cool to see Ajax's old place and old neighborhood - I could see why he loved living there. After a while Playatollah came by and off we went to Katz for sandwiches, which we took to-go and then hopped a cab back to Brooklyn for one last drink with Brian and Surly who left this morning.

Having a little taste of the playa and especially being able to hang out with Ajax, Brian, Gravity, Playatollah and Ruckus so much has been incredible. I spent most of my time with them my first year on the playa - an experience that completed altered my life in more ways than one. And I'd seen so many photos and heard so many stories about the NY Hippos and their parties that it was just amazing and sweet and uplifting to be here and be a part of this little family.

Today is my day on my own - yikes! Will be extra weird after 2 days of being with people non-stop. I'm going to Golden Bridge for class and then to who knows where! Just tool around the Village and SoHo I guess!

New York New York

2008-04-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

It's a hell of a town!

We arrived at JFK at 5 am, got to Gravity's place in Brooklyn by 5:45 am, I was crashed out on the couch by 6:15 am (while the boys went on a walkabout for few hours!) and by 1 pm we were sitting in the bleachers at center field at Yankee Stadium soaking up the surprising sun and eating hot dogs and peanuts!

Last night was a fantastic party for Brian's 40th - a party filled with hippos we adore like Playatollah, Ruckus, David and Victor, Marguiles... it was a wonderful night full of laughter, sillyness and hats. Pictures later...

I am so happy to be here - I adore Brooklyn. Gravity lives above this fantastic little cafe (The Petit Cafe on Court) and it was so cool to go downstairs, get coffee and come back up. In 5 minutes. The energy of the city is amazing - it just feels so great to be here.

I had more insightful things to say, but a) can't remember them and b) we have to go eat dim sum now.

sugar frosted roses

2008-03-31T11:22:00.001-07:00

dewyroses.JPG, originally uploaded by Whimsy Valentine.

we got a little rain on saturday night.

this is what we found in the morning when we went out to walk to breakfast and the park.

Pink Roses

2008-03-27T16:43:00.001-07:00

pink rose, originally uploaded by Whimsy Valentine.

I am totally ga-ga over our rose bushes.

And over the fact that I can send posts from flickr. Verrrrrrrryyy handy!

First the raise... then the promotion

2008-03-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

So without going too into detail, I recently turned down a job at another yoga studio (well, potential yoga studio - it's not open yet...). My loyalty and my hard work earned me a much needed and much deserved raise - yay!! It's a good raise. It will definitely cover the increase in rent we just took on with our new house.

But there's always the catch...

Last week I got a promotion! I am both thrilled and nervous about this - I haven't really dumped any major responsibilities off my plate, though I will soon get rid of the last albatross around my neck known as "accounting." So I am taking on a bit more responsibility and am now the "Program Director" for Golden Bridge. (My last title was a bit wordy - Creative Director/Teacher Training Director/Accounts Payable... it's nice to bring it down a notch.) My new position means that I am now overseeing all aspects of all events at Golden Bridge and Sada Simran and Sarab will work under me. (Zoinks!) It makes sense in a lot of ways... Gurmukh's travelling a lot, and Marlene's too busy to oversee the entire thing... And I've been frustrated lately that I, as the Creative Director, was not getting information for events until really late, was having to chase people around for the write-ups, etc. Now I get to set the standards and say when copy is due, etc etc. And also look at the overall picture to see if there are somethings that just don't make sense.

That part is exciting to me. And as I've started already on the path, I'm getting more excited. I realized yesterday we need a complete re-design on our Teacher Training page because we've added so many trainings (Boulder, India!) and I get to be the one who designs it! So cool!!!

But I'm also nervous because it's a lot more work. To be honest, I've kind of been coasting the past few months at work. With Teacher Training now almost done, I've been able to chill out a little... now things will ramp back up. But I realized yesterday that I'm excited about this promtion because it's a chance to prove to MYSELF what I can do. I'm (working on) letting go of worrying about if I'll be good enough or pleasing my bosses... (though obviously that's important).

Gurmukh said to me yesterday when we were talking about this, that I have to be much more pro-active, much stronger and more navel (more navel = more to the point, not taking no for an answer, etc) and that she thinks my work outs will help with that. I have to say I agree with that - working out has made me stronger - but I also know that I'm able to be stronger and to say what I think/need/feel because I am married to a man who not only loves that side of me, but encourages it in me. So I have learned to trust myself and my voice much more.

San Diego

2008-03-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a lovely day in San Diego. Claudia and Sarah drove down with us and went to a family function, leaving Ajax and I to our own devices for a while...

Before you think all we did was take pictures of ourselves... we took pictures of other cool stuff too:

Nothing better than good friends coming to visit and giving us an excuse to get out and explore a little!!

Workin' it out...

2008-03-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's me... Just two weeks of workouts... Ain't I buff?

Marlene, SP and I have become little gym rats - well, maybe not so little, but we aspire to it. Spinning, strength-cardio training, core training... you name it, if the class is between 9 - 5, we are there.

To be honest, it's been a couple of weeks and the numbers on the (horrible evil) scale in the Wellness Center have done nothing to encourage me to continue, but yet, I am totally loving the whole experience.

Spinning is ridiculous - a bunch of people all lined up on stationary bikes and an almost unbearably perky instructor yelling at us to "Go go go! UP that hill!"

Um. What hill? There's no hill. There's no road. There's only the annoyingly skinny dancers in front of me who could not possibly be at their personal 10 in resistance and still be chatting like they are getting their nails done. Sometimes Jessica, the spinning instructor, tells us that she needs to work out extra hard because she went to The Griddle and she ate half a pancake. Now granted The Griddle's portions are stupid-big - seriously, we often DON'T go there because we just don't want that much food. But still... half a pancake? And for that we are all tortured?

Oh but I digress (what? me? digress?). The class is hard. Really hard. I am constantly watching the clock, thinking "how can only 5 minutes have passed???" But then on the last bit, I hit that magical rush. That amazing full body tingle that is almost orgasmic (but without all the moaning). I hit that and think "I can do this FOREVER! This is amazing! I love this!" And then I remember that feeling and that's what brings me back again.

Today, as I was in the strength-cardio class, doing tap-backs and corner-crosses on my step and generally getting my ass kicked by Rachelle the strength instructor (oh. Did I mention Rachelle is 7.5 months PREGNANT??) I started thinking about body image and perception. In spin class yesterday I got stuck in front of a mirror. Same in strength class last week. It was seriously distracting to keep looking up, think "Who's that girl?" and then realize it was me. My body, thanks to the medical miracle that's known as hormonal birth control, transformed over the last year and I gained more weight than I'd like to admit.

Now I'm off the evil hormones, getting my body back to it's "natural" state before I fill it up with a baby. And here's what I've noticed in the past 20 days: I have way more energy. I am excited to work out. I am craving vegetables and completely disinterested in meat. My sugar cravings are lower - not gone, but not super strong. I feel clearer and happier. I've got a stronger libido (sorry if that's TMI). Mostly I just feel a lot happier and more comfortable with my body.

So looking at myself in the mirror and NOT liking what I see was sort of a blow for me because I was feeling so good. But rather than give into the thoughts, I decided to see what it would be like to transform them. So each time I looked up in spin class yesterday and thought I saw huge hips, I would look down again and look back up with the intention of seeing hips that were slimming as I looked at them. I started to visualize fat dripping off me and pooling around the bike (gross I know, but it worked). I began to feel my muscles actually toning and getting stronger.

And this morning when that nasty little voice of doom started up again, I just kept thinking how happy I am to be able to move my body in this way and even if I never fit into a size 10 again, as long as I feel good about the way I take care of my body, then I will be fine.

Also SP says that they tweak the mirrors in the workout rooms to make you look fatter so you'll come back.

I like that theory too.

Skunk!!!

2008-03-19T08:43:00.001-07:00

Yes folks, we have a skunk! As I was getting ready for bed last night I noticed an odd shadow run by the sliding glass door in our bedroom... at first just thought it was Buster's shadow, then I thought it was one of the neighborhood cats, but soon realized it wasn't! About the time I shrieked SKUNKSKUNKSKUNK!!! it stopped in its tracks and seems to shriek back HUMANHUMANHUMAN... CAT!!!

And then it turned the other way and darted off, much to Buster's frustration!

So yes... we have a skunk. This will make outdoor nighttime activities... interesting.

I'm baaaaaack

2008-03-16T11:36:00.001-07:00

Wow - it's been a while. 3 months to the day to be exact. That's too long...

Too long to catch up so I'll put some up some photos instead... (seeing as the only people who read this already know what I've actually been up to).

We went to San Francisco for Christmas.
Had a lovely dinner at Luna Park with Claudia and Sarah.

We saw Amara, Nick and Leslie!

We went to the Nutcracker with Tara, Jordan and Linda!

We were utterly charmed (again) by the cuteness that is Levi!

We went to the park with Erin, Levi, Tara, Jordan & Linda to see...

Linda's community project (one of many) - getting the community together to do these amazing mosaics in the local park.
Neat, huh?

We got to see Phillip too. He took us on a really cool tour of San Fransisco.
It was really cold that night, but really pretty out. Full moon too!
Got to see some wonderful friends, like Surly and Brian!
This was a lovely way to spend Christmas Eve!
And Christmas morning found us at Claudia and Sarah's house for brunch! (In the photo: Brian, Surly, Sarah, Claudia & Carla, Claudia's adorable sister).

**************
Fast forward to January and Ben's birthday!

We went to Disneyland!
With Abby & Jimmy

They still had the Christmas (oh sorry, holiday) lights up.... Oh and it rained.

Obviously I am most upset about the rain.

Maya came to play....

*************
And in February (after a couple of very annoying bouts with the flu for both of us) we MOVED!

Welcome to Mount Valentine - Silverlake edition.

My favorite room in the house - the kitchen!

Soon this will be the dining room and the big chair might go, but the writing desk, my writing desk, will stay.

The living room - so cozy!
Ben in The VIPER Lab: The Valentine Institute for Performance Enhancing Research Labratory.

The kittens love it here!

So much good sunshine in which to nap!

***********
March took us back up north to get Ben's furniture!

Fun on the U-Haul ramp.

Claudia and Sarah were once again our gracious hostesses... too short a visit though!

Back in LA - more furniture means easier entertaining!

St. Patty's day pie-making with SP

That's enough for now...

More baking? More? Really?? Or, how I goofed up my Christmas gifts.

2007-12-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

Yes. Really. Oh but let's not start with my failed lemon cookies. (Sniff sniff... they were so goooood... and yet not. But more on that later.)

This week ZIPPED by. Just zipped. Of course it helped that I took off Thursday and worked a half day on Friday. Tuesday held the extreme joy of being able to leave work early to go to the movies with some of my all-time favorite people - Maya, Gurmukh, Rakafet and Steven.

Obviously Steven is taking the photo...

So that fantastic experience started off the week. To see Maya's face as she walked into the tent and saw all the Disney princesses - Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for those not up on their Disney lore), Jasmine and Ariel - was precious. She was in awe. She skipped in and stopped dead in her tracks. Her jaw literally dropped and her eyes got as wide as saucers. And then she got to talk to them! And then get her hair and make up done and play dress up? What a night!

Wednesday night was equally magical, but magic of a different sort. We have a resident shaman, Sara Eaglewoman, who has transformed a former junked up storage area above our gallery studio into an oasis of healing and calm. To walk in there is sheer heaven. To be treated there - even more so. We began the session with a beautiful prayer to the ancestors to guide our guides to the healing and opening that needed to happen. I closed my eyes, found my breath and could feel the energy starting to move, powerfully. It was a rush. A little part of my brain had to keep saying "Don't fall over!"

As I laid down on the healing table, Eaglewoman began her work. As with all of these sessions, the memories of exactly what happened fade almost immediately. But here's what I got from the session - from Eaglewoman's guides and mine:

There's a soul "petitioning hard" to come through me. She's (yes, she!) is anxious and ready to come on down and be our baby. (oh I know - it makes me cry too Mom!) So little Ruby is ready. I told her to hold her horses for a little while longer!
My hormones need balancing out. As do my hips.
Creative endeavors for me include using this kind of writing - personal, introspective - to inform my stories. I need to get back to fiction in some capacity.
It's time for me to let go of the notion that I have to be good at a particular skill or even know anything about that skill before I attempt it. That resonated most strongly for me, as I've started painting again and was feeling those old defeastist emotions of "Oh I don't know what brush to use, how to mix the paint, wah wah wah, I can't do this." And luckily, I put those thoughts aside and just played. And had a lovely time of it as well.
Silver and jasper are my metal and stone respectively. Also I'm not as weird as I thought I was for collecting stones and rocks.
I feel like I released a some key "dad" issues about not being heard and communication issues in general which was quite powerful.
Also my cousin Debbie who no one has heard from in years sends me love and energy quite a bit, which was both sweet and surprising. She showed up there (not physically, obviously) as did our dear family friend Debbi Allness who passed away recently. She came to ask me to pass on a message to Mom, that she's with her often, giving her support and encouragement. And scarves! :)

And then I floated away to a desert where we were wandering with scorpions and it was actually quite lovely.

And onto my birthday!!!

I got up early and made ginger snap cookies for yoga class. I had a wonderful yoga class. Ajax and I had a delicious lunch at Bossa Nova (I will miss that place whenever we move!) and I opened Christine's sweet gift - Eat Love Pray - which I cannot wait to read!

Then I got to spend the afternoon at the spa - three heavenly hours of hot tub, sauna, hot showers and oh, did I mention the 80 minute deep relaxation massage that had me literally snoring face down within seconds? Ohhhhhh... heaven! And yet all day long, I had a burning question: Where was Ajax whisking me off to for dinner?

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and he broke down and spilled the beans when I got home: Bar Marmont. I jumped for joy! I'd always wanted to go there!

First off, it's lovely inside - gorgeous low lighting, but not too low. All candles and soft ambers. We started with a bar snack of mixed nuts, mostly ordered because I was too curious about the garlicky walnuts not to. They were good - the other nuts were so-so. I kinda wished we'd ordered the home-made winter veggie chips, which looked delightful. For dinner I ordered the Diver Scallops which came floating out on a bed of pureed butternut squash and wilted greens with a drizzle of a tangy, lively brown butter sauce. Ohhhhhhh.... heaven. With crispy sage. I moaned with delight at every other bite. It was that good. The scallops were seared perfectly, the butter sauce melting into the squash, giving the entire dish an exquisite balance of taste and texture. I wish I'd taken a photo of it, but alas, didn't think of it until my plate was clean and empty!

And what did Ajax order? A burger and fries. Sounds plain? I can guarantee you it was anything but plain. Let's start with the crispy frizzled onions since I ate them all - the perfect amount of salt and onion sweetness. And the fries? They looked like a potato simply cut up - nice long square hearty fries with just the right amount of crunch before yielding to a softness that was pefection. And the burger? I may get that the next time we go back there. Yes. Really. I took a little bite and remembered what burgers are supposed to taste like. Like summer.

But wait... it was my birthday, right? Surely I had to have dessert! And dessert I had - vanilla creme caramel with port currant granita. The creme caramel was light, fluffy with just a hint of firmness and full of deep vanilla. Good vanilla. The granita was the pefect compliment - complex and full-bodied like a good Bordeaux. And they put a candle on it, which was sweet! :)

(BTW, can you tell I've been reading a lot of food blogs lately?)

Oh pictures? You want pictures? Well as I said, I didn't get any food pix, because I didn't want to look like a tourist! But here are some nice photos of us...

Smiling from happiness after that dessert.

Gracious, he is handsome!

Okayyyyyy... so onto the baking. My plan for the holidays was to send baked goods along to family and friends. A mix of chocolate chai snickerdoodles, lemon butter cookies and ginger snaps. And spicy-sweet pecans. This will still happen, but without the lemon butter cookies...

Oh the saga of the lemon cookies. I orginally got the recipe from Gluten-Free Girl and they were lemon olive oil cookies. And I made a batch and they were good, but I wasn't all that thrilled with the olive oil flavor. So I thought, well, heck, I'll just use vegan butter (aka soy margerine, if you want to call a spade a spade). And since they really were pretty good last time around, I'll quadruple the little recipe (which only made about 20 big cookies) and these will be the highlight of my holiday gift baskets. "Oh," I thought, "people will be calling from far and wide, begging for the recipe of these tangy sweet little delights!"

And so I set to baking...

Fresh organic lemons. I zested each one. My zester sucks. It took a LONG TIME.
I don't know why this photo won't post the right way up. But you can see... it's a LOT of batter.

So I baked a lot of cookies. A lot of cookies. Dozens upon dozens. They all came out crispy around the edges and springily chewy in the center. Thin little lemon wafers. I cooled them on the racks so they'd crisp up a bit. Cooled them for HOURS.

Aren't they pretty?

Then I put them away. Pulled them out tonight for a little snack for me and Ajax and discovered to my horror that they are not good. Not good at all. Too chewy. And all the crispness is gone. I can't send them. Most likely if you are reading this, you will not get to taste their sweet lemony goodness. Not this go around. I'll keep trying though. I like lemony baked goods and I like baking. Guess I have to go back to olive oil. Oh and Shauna has a slightly different version of the recipe in her book, which I just got and was reading while baking these cookies. Of course I found the altered (and better according to her website) recipe AFTER I'd put the last batch in the oven.

Thank goodness for my chocolate chai snicks.
My only complaint with these is that I didn't put enough chocolate chips in them. But they are rich and spicy and I imagine they'll be great with an afternoon cup of coffee or hot cocoa.

And whilst I was hard at work in the kitchen (4.5 hours of baking!), Ajax was harder at work editing our wedding video. It's cool. No. It's AWESOME! So while you won't be getting lemon cookies, you will be getting one seriously kick-ass video.

Tonight, after working in the afternoon and a harrowing trek to Target (seriously, folks, don't go to Target the Sunday afternoon before Christmas unless you really feel you need a lesson in patience and shopping cart navigation.) I decided to tackle the bread again. Last week, as you may recall, I was fretting over my lack of a loaf pan and had some interesting adventures with yeast and rising. Ironically enough (or happily enough, really), Mom had already bought me a loaf pan! So the loaf pan fretting was extra-funny to her and Pops. (Not so much to me until I got my present on Friday - THANK YOU MOM!!!).

So I tried again with the bread. Same mix. Still goofed the first yeast attempt, and this after purchasing (and yes, using!) a proper food thermometer and everything, which makes me think it's the crappy yeast that comes with the mix. Yeah. That's it. Anyway. I wised up with the rising process, putting the bread in front of the heater that's above my desk... it was the PERFECT spot for it. The dough rose up like a charm. Yay! And an hour later, I had this:

Isn't it pretty? It's 100% gluten/wheat/dairy free. Not vegan because the eggs really make the bread. But it's so gorgeous. All puffy and crusty!

Yay me.

little note....

2007-12-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

There's a post below the Baking post that I thought I had lost. I was really sad and bummed 'cause I liked what I'd written. But being a Blogger newbie, I thought I hit the wrong button and didn't try too terribly hard to recreate my words. Then tonight I clicked on a link that said "Manage posts" and voila! There it was all nicely saved for me!

Also I learned that I can actually post more than one photo per post... so be ready for photos. Lots.

Here are a few of the kittens. They're getting big. And if anyone has any hints for keeping Ella off the TV, please let me know. Just as I wrote this she jumped up there again. Argh. Naughty kitty.

Buster in his perch. As you may be able to tell, he fills it completely. He's a big boy.

Ella helping me paint.

Buster helping me bake.

Ella sitting in Daddy's chair.

Baking!

2007-12-09T20:45:00.001-08:00

This weekend was another wonderful, fun-filled weekend of activity. We'd been promised rain so we bought tickets for Golden Compass and Juno - back to back at the Arclight. The rain that was supposed to pour for three days drizzled for about 18 hours. So on a sunny gorgeous Saturday, we headed inside for 4 hours of movies. Golden Compass was.... eh. They totally F-ed up the ending. Juno was brilliant. See it. See it now. (Says me to the three people who read this blog, one of whom saw it with me...)

Even more fun than the double feature was the surge of creativity flowing through the house this weekend. Ajax was writing. I was painting (PAINTING!!). Ajax was editing movies. I was baking. Both Saturday and today we were busy busy busy with our various creative endeavors.

So this weekend I managed to accomplish three little paintings (really little - 3" x 3") and a bit of collaging. I also baked. A LOT! I made vegan and wheat-free Chocolate Chai snickerdoodles. They turned out quite good. Really rich. Even a cookie monster like could only eat one. Next time I'm going to make them smaller. Little bite size yummy bits of spice and cocoa.

Also made lemon olive oil cookies - not entirely vegan (had egg and goat's milk yogurt), but totally wheat/gluten-free. And wow. It sounded like such a weird recipe I had to try it. The original recipe called for a fancy pants lemon olive oil from some shi-shi shop. I got fancy olive oil and organic lemons and winged it. Yum. Sprinkled with sugar, these little gems are bursting with lemony flavor. But I gotta be honest... I think they'd be yummier with either the original fancypants lemon oil or just plain ol' butter. I'll try them again that way this week.

But the BIG BIG accomplishment of the night was a loaf of bread. An honest to God loaf of actual bread. Not banana bread but real bread with yeast. Which brings me to this point. Yeast is a weird tricky odd thing. No wonder you don't want it in your body. It's all alive and foamy... weird. My first attempt at making yeast do what it's supposed to do failed miserably. I killed the yeast. I am a yeast murderer. Sigh. I also wasted the only soymilk I had in the house and almost of all of my soy creamer (still have enough for tomorrow's coffee though... phew!) After 3 yeast packets, several phone calls and texts to the bread master - aka Mom - I got the yeast to do what it was supposed to do. From there it actually went rather smoothly. I mixed the rest of the dough, left it to rise, shaped into a loaf and baked it. I think, in retrospect, it didn't rise enough... need to put it by the heater by my desk. And next time I will definitely procure a loaf pan... The loaf is long and crusty and looks like bread. But it's kind of, um, flat. But good. Very eggy and moist. Great with this new vegan butter I found. mmmmmmmm....

Sadly the bread wasn't anywhere near ready by the time we sat down for our healthy dinner of salmon, salad and asparagus. But it's making a delicious post-dinner snack.

As are the lemon cookies... I really ought to put them away.

Love Story. Part I

2007-12-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

(photo of Ajax and I on Burn Night 2006)

My sweet Ajax and I met at Burning Man. My best friend had been bugging me for years to get my ass to the Playa and camp with his camp. I even joined the camp and paid dues to said camp for three years before I made out there. My second day on the playa, this sweet wonderful man by the name of Ajax Valentine (a poet and dear friend of my best friend) and I sit down for a "little chat."

Two hours later... I am awestruck by his kindness, his honesty, his spirituality, his laughter. I know that my life has somehow changed and very much for the better... it was definitely one of those "okay, i've been looking for you for the past 35 years, now tell me EVERYTHING you've been up to since we last saw each other in that other lifetime." Just amazing. BUT - all that said - to me Ajax could only be just a friend. You see he lived so far away (NY? ugh - I am a Hollywood girl) and oh, did I mention he had a girlfriend. So I put whatever thoughts I might have fleetingly had and for the next week developed a deep, deep connection with my new wonderful friend.

Little did I know that on Thursday morning, Ajax wandered into our communal dome to find me reading to our friends 5 year old daughter. I vaguely remember him coming in and looking at me and Gracie reading "Hippos Go Berserk" then walking out again. He walked out again, because in that moment he had a vision of me in OUR home reading to OUR daughterS. Plural. And he knew that his life was going to be changing in a radical way.

That night we went out... one of those weird nights on the Playa where you just wander. We wandered into a hall of mirrors that show your true reflection (seriously cool and weird). I said "I'm a girl and girls know mirrors." He said, with dead seriousness and sweet respect, "You are a woman, and don't let anyone, even you, say different." Whoa. Later that night, I was being a goofball, as I'm wont to do and he said laughingly "Okay Miss Whimsy, off you go." We both stopped and in an instant, I had my Playa name. Monday comes and with it came sad goodbyes. I sobbed hardest hugging my darling Ajax, unable to conceive of spending my days without him. I chalk it up to being sad to leave."

Fast forward to the middle of October. Ajax and other friends descend into Hollywood for Decom. I can tell something's different. Ajax reveals his vision. I tell him I don't know what to do with that information, seeing as nothing's changed (except that now I'm smitten). I'm trying to date in LA, he's got a girl in NY... After a weekend of fun and laughter, it's time for him to go back to NY. As he gets in the car to go, he kisses me sweetly, chastely and tells me he loves me and he'll be back. I nod, try not to cry and wonder "When?"

One week later I get the first of what will be many poems in my email. It's a love poem no doubt. I tell my best friend "I think Ajax sent me a love poem." and as I say the words I have that giddy crush feeling all over. My best friend says "Well, you know he broke up with his girl last night, right?" Uh. No. Soon the courtship begins. I get an outline of his hand traced in Crayon in the mail (actual mail!). On it is written "The right hand of Ajax, in case you want to hold it, and I'm not there." Swoon. More letter, poems and flowers flood my mailbox and inbox for the next three weeks. He tells me he'll be here on the 15th of November. Yikes! I tell my girlfriends I think 'he's the one.' They shriek. I shriek. Is this crazy? Probably. But my intuition, every fiber of me knows it's perfect and true and divine.

And yet there are fears. Of course there are. Layers of them, as I explained over bad taco-truck food to Brian one night. First layer is what if he gets to LA and I find that I just got wrapped up in the romance of it all, but really I just don't feel the same way. Second layer is what if I do feel the same way? Third is what if I do feel the same way, we fall madly in love and all my prayers are answered? What then?

And it was that third layer that helped me come back to reality. I believe strongly in prosperity consciousness in every aspect. The Law of Attraction... you know. The Secret. So if I was able to manifest the one thing I wanted more than anything else - a partner with whom I could grow and explore and share and laugh and love with - then what else was there in the in universe? I'd been so focused on that one thing - on finding love, that I didn't really think too much about what came after that? Kids, sure - that's the next step. But then what? What do I day dream about after that? What do I attempt to manifest then?

Silly fears I realize now, but at the time they provided me with some really excellent opportunities for exploring what it was that I expected to both get and give in relationship. I'd definitely come the realization before I even went to Burning Man that no relationship was going to save me... what was I needing to be saved from? And though many many people/books/teachers/gurus all said "You have to love yourself before you can love another or be loved by another truly" I didn't really feel that I'd achieved that until I experienced my own love for and appreciation of myself at Burning Man. And I don't think I even really realized I'd done it - it was so organic, the entire experience of being on the Playa, being completely accepted and embraced for being me - that it felt completely natural.

And of course that's when I found myself most open to loving and being loved. It was very much about timing - if Ajax hadn't come to Decom or I hadn't gone to Burning Man... how different our lives would be.

But we went where we were needed. Where we needed to be...

And that brought us to this:

November 15. The airport. Waiting anxiously at the outdoor luggage carousel in Burbank. People streaming out. All NY types. None my Ajax. More people. More. Where is he? And then he's there. And his bags are dropped. And his hands are on my face. And he's kissing me. Oh that kiss. That perfect perfect kiss, full of passion pent-up, and sweetness ready to be given. Oh. I melt. I'm not wrong. I'm right. He's the one.

Cooking

2007-11-30T18:10:00.000-08:00

A short post...

I've recently rediscovered my love of cooking. Ajax was advised to steer clear of dairy and wheat which has oddly brought out my rebellious, love-a-challenge side. I'm determined to find yummy things to cook that are a) healthy, b) wheat and dairy-free and c) appealing to a not-so-adventurous eater.

So far so good. Sort of a going back to basics road, but with a twist. Also having been veggie for many many years and now cooking meat, it's a whole new world!

Not surprisingly Thanksgiving got me really excited! My very ambitious menu was corn bread from Gluten-Free Girl; stuffing, also from G-F Girl (I love Shauna!); roast chicken stuffed with garlic, lemons and rosemary; green beans with carmelized shallots and roasted hazelnuts; rosemary roasted potatoes (do you notice a theme here?) and for dessert, vegan, wheat-free root beer float cupcakes. Oh and cranberry relish - just a little bit because I love it, but I'd be the only one eating it, and I don't love it that much! (Though it turns out that breakfast heaven is a tarty cranberry and orange relish on corn bread with soy butter... mmmmm)

What I actually made was the chicken, the potatoes, the cornbread (and have since made again - it was popular!), the green beans and the cranberry. We actually didn't end up eating dessert, which is good since I still havent' found a place to buy root beer extract!

The thing about cooking that I think appeals to me is that it gives me the opportunity to be creative while simultaneously following directions and improvising on them. For instance the chicken recipe I found called for a lot of nonsense stuff - I tossed it out, didn't make the gravy, and it turned out DELICIOUS. Oh I also frequently roast chickens upside down... mostly because I just don't know my way around a chicken, but then I read that it makes the chicken breast extra juicy, so... and much to my surprise and delight the chicken actually tasted of lemon, rosemary and garlic. Not overpowering, but just enough to make it delicious.

So now it's time to up the ante with some baking challenges...
I still want to try those root beer cupcakes - they're vegan and wheat-free (which from here on out will be called ACME - anything vegan and wheat-free is now known as ACME in our house... somehow that makes it more appealing). I'm determined to find ways to make ACME cookies and ACME bread that actually taste GOOD. I know it's possible because I did it for the wedding - spent hours making ACME cupcakes (well not entirely vegan, they had eggs, but close enough).

The other thing I'm dying to try to make is Lemon Olive Oil cookies. I know - it sounds weird and kinda gross, but the pictures are tantalizing... and if I can do them ACME, I'll feel so proud!

blank page

2007-11-28T08:12:00.000-08:00

It's been slow at work lately for me. I'm sure, SURE, there are things I could be doing. But I'm not digging really hard to find them. I've just been extra efficient. I'm giving myself this morning to goof off a little and then I will go dig around for my old projects and resurrect them.

Meanwhile... I will tackle this great empty blank page and see what sparks.

This weekend Ajax and I cleaned out the apartment and moved around the furniture. We pulled out my computer cabinet/desk, moved it next to the couch on Friday. Moved around all the bedroom furniture too - the whole place feels more open and airy. And we filled the trunk of the car with crap to take to Goodwill... and there's yet MORE in the hallway. zoinks.

Then I spent most of Saturday doing everything I could to avoid opening my desk and dealing with the piles of crap within it. About six months ago, we'd also moved furniture and I'd set up the desk in an effort to hopefully start writing/painting/crafting again. But I kept the doors closed on it, and eventually it became the stockpile for all the stuff we didn't know what to do with, since it had doors that could hide it all away...

On Sunday, I could procrastinate no longer. I told Ajax that part of my avoidance was the fear of having to be creative and not being good at it. Funny how the same old issues find new ways to manifest themselves. I had a realization in class a few weeks ago that part of the reason my hips are out of alignment is because I'm not using my creative power, so my 2nd chakra, that creative space is getting out of alignment in accordance. I'm not sure why I have suddenly (well, suddenly over the last couple years) built up resistance and fear to my creative side, but it's no longer okay to hide from it and perpetuate my own fears.

There are a few reasons why it's not acceptable for me any more. For one, I marked my body with the reminder that I will not ever live my life or make decisions based on fear. I have a big beautiful tattoo to remind me of that decision.

And second, and much more importantly, it's time for me to ready my body and in particular my 2nd chakra, my reproductive organs, for conceiving and carrying a child. I not only want this part of my body to be strong and aligned and balanced, I NEED it to be. And even more importantly, I want to pass onto my children the experience of risk and vulnerability when it comes to being creative. If I can't do it, then how I can be a role model for them?

So that's part of the reason I've started this blog. Also I need a space where I can type out my worries and my insecurities. And I want to document my journey as Ajax and I move toward our third and final wedding (the family wedding - oy!) and as we continue to create a life together. And as I mentioned before I am in the conscious pre-conception stage of parenthood - making the time to ready not only my body, but my pysche and spirit for having a child (well, two hopefully, but one at a time!)

Conscious pre-conception? What on earth? My friend Anna is a big proponent of this - of taking some time before you get pregnant to get ready to be pregnant and be a mother. What does it entail?

For me, physically, it entails a re-dedication to my yoga practice, abstaining from alcohol (not that hard for me, since I didn't really drink that much anyway), going back to being veggie (harder now...), reducing my sugar, dairy and wheat intake (dairy and wheat - no problem. sugar? waaahhhhh... don't wanna!!) and getting my glandular and hormonal systems in balance.

Spiritually, it's deeper and I'm still investigating that. Definitely means a re-dedication to my private meditation practice. (Bless you my sweet Ajax, for helping me set up a new space for my altar!) And journaling which is just not my favorite thing to do... but I think with this blog, I can.

Emotionally, it means coming to terms with whatever leftover issues or sadnesses were left from my own childhood and parents. I've thankfully been blessed with overall wonderful parents and a pretty normal childhood - no major major trauma that hasn't already been covered (oh, well, uncovered, actually, I guess) in therapy lo these many many years... A lot of the work (not work, really, challenge is more accurate. opportunity more accurate still) is finding within myself the ability to be strong in my own convictions and my own beliefs and my own needs. With Ajax as my support, I'm finding this easier and easier.

Oh and yes. I did manage to not only open and clean out the dreaded desk, but I've organized it in such a way that all my various supplies are accessible and available. And I'm actually excited about it. And starting this blog (even though I'm at work, naughty naughty) is my commitment to renewing my creativity.