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One of my birthday gifts from Ajax was $50 in apps for my iPod. I just blew $10 of it on this app so I can keep up my blog without having to sit down at the computer. Fingers crossed it works and I use it. (Lord knows the $10 I tossed out for the Sims wasn't worth it.)
Soooooo... Here on my trusty iPod in my notes I have a list of things I want to blog about. And I'll get to them in time. But for now I'd just like to reflect on the beauty of my life. I am sitting in Ruby's nursery feeling very Under The Sea with her orange seahorse light casting a gentle glow Sarah's gorgeous mural. Ruby is crashed out in my arms and I'm praying for the clock to go slower. We need to leave in 30 minutes for Golden Bridge. I want her to sleep because this week her sleep has been sporadic and disrupted by gas and teething. But mostly I just don't want this cozy moment to end. (although I am losing all feeling in fingers.)
As a few of my friends get close to their own due dates, and others work on creating more of these adorable little creatures we call babies, I'm finding that I'm already missing my newborn. Don't get me wrong-I am completely in love with Ruby as she is now, but that first 6 weeks of mega-cuddle sessions and teeny tiny clothes was yummy. Ok,I might be romanticizing it a bit. It was also challenging.
Now I'm amazed at this big girl who cam hold her head up (except when she's sleepy) and is rolling over (front to back. She's almost got it back to front too). She lights up the world with her big grins and I can see my grandmothers smile in her smile. She's strong, vocal, independent, and sweet. As much as I love her, I also really like her.
And thus endeth the mush of the day. She's awake and we need to get moving.
Soooooo... Here on my trusty iPod in my notes I have a list of things I want to blog about. And I'll get to them in time. But for now I'd just like to reflect on the beauty of my life. I am sitting in Ruby's nursery feeling very Under The Sea with her orange seahorse light casting a gentle glow Sarah's gorgeous mural. Ruby is crashed out in my arms and I'm praying for the clock to go slower. We need to leave in 30 minutes for Golden Bridge. I want her to sleep because this week her sleep has been sporadic and disrupted by gas and teething. But mostly I just don't want this cozy moment to end. (although I am losing all feeling in fingers.)
As a few of my friends get close to their own due dates, and others work on creating more of these adorable little creatures we call babies, I'm finding that I'm already missing my newborn. Don't get me wrong-I am completely in love with Ruby as she is now, but that first 6 weeks of mega-cuddle sessions and teeny tiny clothes was yummy. Ok,I might be romanticizing it a bit. It was also challenging.
Now I'm amazed at this big girl who cam hold her head up (except when she's sleepy) and is rolling over (front to back. She's almost got it back to front too). She lights up the world with her big grins and I can see my grandmothers smile in her smile. She's strong, vocal, independent, and sweet. As much as I love her, I also really like her.
And thus endeth the mush of the day. She's awake and we need to get moving.
Ha! So after committing to write three times a week here, I've been gone since November. And I stupidly changed my blog layout and it wiped out all the dates! Argh.
So now I must date each one myself I guess..
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3...
or is it the 4th?
No, it's the 3rd.
I'm pretty sure.
I dont' really care... now my weeks are a little like this:
Monday - day of chill. Ruby and I try not to leave the house (well, she tries, but I still think she's too young to go out on her own. Maybe when she's 25).
Tuesday - day of yoga. Go to Golden Bridge. Teach Mommy & Me yoga. Smile at the cute babies, all the while secretly chanting "mine is cuter, mine is cuter; mine is smarter..."
Wednesday - day of lake walk. Some mamas from the Booby Brigadge email list get together and walk around the lake. It's lovely. Exercise, new friends, and Ruby naps!
Thursday - day of whatever. Last week I went to yoga. This week, I'm helping out with the Prenatal Teacher Training... It seems to be a day I go and hang out at Golden Bridge.
Friday - day of yoga and veggies! Teach in the morning (see above), maybe go for a walk and then go pick up our yummy co-op veggies!
Weekends are free-form. I keep thinking I should get us on some sort of routine, but Ruby disagrees. She tried a routine, then discovered that I loved it and promptly gave it up! Such is the life of an almost-4 month old.
Who has gone from chattering happily in her bassinet to getting fiesty. And so I'm off. But I'm looking into figuring out how to do this blog from my iPod or phone... :)
And here's a recent photo of the Duck for those who are dying for it... all three of you who actually read this thing!
So now I must date each one myself I guess..
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3...
or is it the 4th?
No, it's the 3rd.
I'm pretty sure.
I dont' really care... now my weeks are a little like this:
Monday - day of chill. Ruby and I try not to leave the house (well, she tries, but I still think she's too young to go out on her own. Maybe when she's 25).
Tuesday - day of yoga. Go to Golden Bridge. Teach Mommy & Me yoga. Smile at the cute babies, all the while secretly chanting "mine is cuter, mine is cuter; mine is smarter..."
Wednesday - day of lake walk. Some mamas from the Booby Brigadge email list get together and walk around the lake. It's lovely. Exercise, new friends, and Ruby naps!
Thursday - day of whatever. Last week I went to yoga. This week, I'm helping out with the Prenatal Teacher Training... It seems to be a day I go and hang out at Golden Bridge.
Friday - day of yoga and veggies! Teach in the morning (see above), maybe go for a walk and then go pick up our yummy co-op veggies!
Weekends are free-form. I keep thinking I should get us on some sort of routine, but Ruby disagrees. She tried a routine, then discovered that I loved it and promptly gave it up! Such is the life of an almost-4 month old.
Who has gone from chattering happily in her bassinet to getting fiesty. And so I'm off. But I'm looking into figuring out how to do this blog from my iPod or phone... :)
And here's a recent photo of the Duck for those who are dying for it... all three of you who actually read this thing!
Comments: (3)
I had a little epiphany the other day (last week?)...
I was feeling frustrated that I seemed to not be able to do anything because I have this baby constantly attached to me and I just wanted to put her down (in her bassinet) and go do stuff.
Then I remembered how much I prayed for this baby, how longed for she was. And how excited she was to come and be our daughter. My daughter.
And I mentally slapped my forehead... duh! Here I am, one month into her hopefully long life and I'm already looking for an out? Sheesh.
Not that there aren't going to be other moments where I feel frustrated with her, but I'm so glad I had that little moment of clarity early on, so that I can hold that feeling of gratitude in the moments that are more challenging.
I was feeling frustrated that I seemed to not be able to do anything because I have this baby constantly attached to me and I just wanted to put her down (in her bassinet) and go do stuff.
Then I remembered how much I prayed for this baby, how longed for she was. And how excited she was to come and be our daughter. My daughter.
And I mentally slapped my forehead... duh! Here I am, one month into her hopefully long life and I'm already looking for an out? Sheesh.
Not that there aren't going to be other moments where I feel frustrated with her, but I'm so glad I had that little moment of clarity early on, so that I can hold that feeling of gratitude in the moments that are more challenging.
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Probably the best piece of advice I got before becoming a mom (or even becoming pregnant actually) was this:
"Just remember - everything is a phase."
On the nights when Ruby is up every three hours instead of sleeping 6 like she used too, it's helpful to remember that. On the days when she just won't fall asleep or even be calm unless she's in my arms and my arms only, it's helpful to remember that. In the brief moments when I want to be able to just run this or that errand, or sleep in, or clean the kitchen, it's also helpful to remember that.
Then, like magic, she's happy in Ben's arms again. Or in her bassinet.
Yesterday we put Ruby in her wrap and went for a walk:
and Ben asked me what I wanted to work on, what personal stuff I wanted to explore. To be honest the question threw me... but it also got me thinking. I mean, I think first and foremost I want and need to keep exploring being a mom, but I'm also looking forward to re-inventing myself professionally. Looking for new places to teach yoga (and not just Mommy & Me and prenatal) and new clients to design for. And I'd like to start cooking again. Seems silly, but that's what I want.
But one thing I know I both need and want to commit to is writing. I'll start here and try to write at least 3 times a week. We'll see where it goes from there.
"Just remember - everything is a phase."
On the nights when Ruby is up every three hours instead of sleeping 6 like she used too, it's helpful to remember that. On the days when she just won't fall asleep or even be calm unless she's in my arms and my arms only, it's helpful to remember that. In the brief moments when I want to be able to just run this or that errand, or sleep in, or clean the kitchen, it's also helpful to remember that.
Then, like magic, she's happy in Ben's arms again. Or in her bassinet.
Yesterday we put Ruby in her wrap and went for a walk:
and Ben asked me what I wanted to work on, what personal stuff I wanted to explore. To be honest the question threw me... but it also got me thinking. I mean, I think first and foremost I want and need to keep exploring being a mom, but I'm also looking forward to re-inventing myself professionally. Looking for new places to teach yoga (and not just Mommy & Me and prenatal) and new clients to design for. And I'd like to start cooking again. Seems silly, but that's what I want. But one thing I know I both need and want to commit to is writing. I'll start here and try to write at least 3 times a week. We'll see where it goes from there.
Comments: (1)
joy.
bliss.
amazement.
exhaustion.
frustration.
confusion.
laughter.
tears.
learning.
renewing.
bliss.
amazement.
exhaustion.
frustration.
confusion.
laughter.
tears.
learning.
renewing.
The story:
After 2 weeks of nervous waiting for labor to start (or keep going), we were getting pretty worried about our impending deadline of October 13 (as in, "if you don't go into labor by October 13, we need to talk about hospital options.") Sunday the 11th, we both woke up feeling really unnerved and scared. We got up and went for a walk - something that usually helps us to calm down and get our heads straight, but that morning we came back more confused, scared and upset than when we had left. Clearly we were both spinning ourselves out more than we needed to and required some outside assistance to get us back. While we were both very aware that the most important thing at the end of the day was a healthy baby, we were still stuck on the fear that we'd end up in the hospital and we just had so much expectation and investment on having Ruby at home. So we called our fantastic doula, Sada Simran. She's been a friend of mine for almost a decade - someone I know I can count on for her strong intuitive honest opinion. She doesn't sugar-coat anything. She's kind, firm and did I mention intuitive? And healing. We were hoping to just chat with her on the phone. Instead she was at our door in 20 minutes.
What we came away with after that lovely morning chatting on our porch was that our pregnancy, particularly on my end, was incredibly public, between me posting on FB every five seconds and just all the wonderful students and friends at Golden Bridge who were so excited for Ruby. Sada Simran sensed that perhaps Ruby was wanting us to go inside and come together as a couple more. Let the focus be on US, so it could then be on HER. Made sense. (Of course then I didn't post on FB for 48 hours which freaked everyone out!) She also mentioned that babies teach us how to parent them BEFORE they even arrive. Both Ben and I can occasionally fly by the seat of our pants - Ruby was (and is) teaching us patience and trust on such a deeper level than either of us had experienced or expected.
Monday, the 12th, we went to see Davi to have my membranes stripped. Not the most pleasant of experiences, especially because she did it three times with walks afterwards... the last one being a 2 hour walk. Came home to have a lovely cocktail of vodka, OJ and castor oil... yeah. Actually I love a good screwdriver, so we just wooshed it up with my coffee frothers and I didn't even notice the oil. Also pounding it like a shot helped... see? College WAS good for something!
Around 3 I tried to take a nap, but lo and behold I was having regular contractions and couldn't sleep. I didn't really get excited because honestly we'd been down this road before. I got up, chatted with Mom, had dinner with Mom, Pops and Ben. By dinnertime the contractions were getting more intense and more regular. At one point I had to leave the table to deal with a contraction and I knew then it was the real deal. My mom, being the uber-intuitive mom she is, realized it too and she and Pops bailed pretty quickly and let Ben and I get to the business of birthing. We called Sada Simran and once again, she amazed us with how fast she got to us. Of course, then it was a couple of hours of sitting around watching me moan and groan... but it was so good to have her here to coach us both through the initial stages. Smartly she realized we'd be going all night and suggested we go lay down for a nap. That was around 9.
At 10, I felt a little pop, like a water balloon popping inside me. I hopped up, shouting "water breaking, water breaking!" All I could think was that I didn't want my water to break on the bed, even though we had crappy sheets AND a plastic sheet on the bed. I zipped (as fast as I could, which is to say I hobbled) to the bathroom and woosh - my water flowed out, thankfully in the toilet, not the floor. As soon as it was done, I was hit with a contraction 10 times harder than I'd been dealing with before. I went from the toilet to being on all fours, panting/breathing through it. Sada Simran poked her head in and said "Just so you know, the contractions usually get a lot more intense now." I think my reaction to that was "YOU THINK???"
With the water breaking and my contractions coming much closer together, longer and harder it was time to call our midwife, Davi. At this point, all sense of time left me. It seemed like she arrived as soon as we called her. I'm sure that's not how it was but in my mind our midwife and doula were wizards who could teleport themselves anywhere at any time. (Which is kind of what you want in a doula or midwife, really.)
By the time she got there I was begging to get in the tub. Begging. Ben was filling it, but we ran out of hot water. I don't really remember much between my water breaking and getting in the tub, but once I was in the tub I was so happy. The warm water was so soothing and totally relaxed me. Okay, not totally. But it made going through the contractions a lot easier. Ben got in with me and was amazing - rubbing my back and pouring warm water over my back. Sada Simran was making sure I was getting enough calories with coconut water since I'd long since puked up anything I'd eaten that day (bye bye yummy chicken dinner from Pops - it was a lot more pleasant going down than up.). I was in my own world and occasionally I'd pop my head up and see Davi resting on our bed, one eye open and watching me like a mother owl watching to make sure her chicks were flying okay. Sada Simran was in front of me, arms open and eyes focused in healing meditation. As the contractions got stronger I felt like I needed to push, but kept thinking it was too soon. But I followed my instincts (and Davi's encouragement) and started to push.
After an hour I had to get out of the tub - it was too slippery, I was getting icked out by the stuff we were sitting in (granted it was all stuff that was inside of me, but still) and my legs were starting to cramp up. So out I went. And on to the bed - on my back. On my left side. On my right side. Then on to the floor on all fours. Then squatting with Ben supporting me. Then on the toilet (I know right?? But it felt like I had to go to the bathroom, so it made sense).
Then back to all fours... at this point my legs were cramping up like crazy and in my head I was thinking "Oh God, I'm going to tear so badly, I should have done more sitz baths to open up my perineum, we never did that massage, I always do this, I always get lazy and end up paying for it later, I'm already screwing up being a mom..." Funny where our minds go isn't it? Then Davi snapped "Get your head together girl!" and apparently smacked my ass though I don't remember that part! But I needed it. I got out of my head and back to concentrating on Ruby. I got back on the bed, with Ajax behind me whispering "You can do it Hari Parkash. Remember Ruby has Elk Magic, she's strong and so are you..." and 30 minutes later she crowned. It wasn't as painful at that point as I thought it would be, because Ruby had gone slow and helped my perineum open slowly. Ajax got down with Davi to catch her. A few minutes later (it felt like hours) her head was out. One more push and the rest of her came whooshing out.
And then, as if the past 13 hours hadn't happened at all, I was holding my squalling squirmy baby girl and crying "I'm a mom! I'm a mom!" She was yelling like we asked her too and then Ajax came up and said "Hi Ruby, it's Daddy. You're home now." And her eyes popped open and she was silent - she remembered his voice. Amazing.
She latched on to my breast immediately and happily guzzled away while I pushed out the placenta and Ben and I cried over the miracle in our arms.
And now... a month and 2 days later, she's in a sling, asleep and we're just blown away by her every day. The smiles we get, especially in the morning, make the long nights so worth it. We both feel like she's been in our lives forever and it's hard to believe it's only been 33 days. She's getting bigger and stronger and cuter by the day.
We are so blessed.
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My darling adorable amazing daughter. Already you have made my heart bigger and my life more profound and complete than I ever thought possible. Every minute of your life inside me has been beautiful and amazing. You've never given me an ounce of trouble as an inside baby - no morning sickness, no worries about your health or well-being. For that I am truly truly grateful.
As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.
Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.
I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.
I love you so much.
Mommy
As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.
Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.
I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.
I love you so much.
Mommy
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Last night we got excited. I was having contractions and they were getting stronger and closer together. For hours. I knew I needed to go to bed and just not think about it, so I texted our midwife and our doula to let them know and got into bed.
And laid there like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. Way too excited. Dreams of filling the birth tub, of breathing my way through contractions and holding our gorgeous baby girl in my arms filled my head. Then my sinuses backed up and I couldn't breathe so I tossed and turned. Then Ella kept breaking into Ruby's room and getting shut in there, so I kept getting up out of bed to get her.
Finally by 2 am I'd found my very last Breath Right strip for my nose and decamped to watch whatever I could find on TV. Slept on the couch for an hour. Went back to bed. Dozed for another hour. Ajax got up at 4 after what I'm sure wasn't all that restful a night, what with me up and down a dozen times... I slept until 7.
We were giddy this morning. Still having contractions - no harder, but still there. Yay.
We had breakfast, cleaned up a little, talked about what we could to do to get the house ready more. We made calls. I took another nap. Sarah came over. Then Davi called and said "You'll hate me for saying this now, but you'll thank me later... you're in 'pre-labor'. Stop timing the contractions. Go out, go have your day, go for walk. Rest. Eat well. It could be days."
Days? Did she seriously just say "days"? As in not Saturday, but maybe Sunday. Or Monday?
ARRRRGGHHHHHHH...
But okay. So we go live our life. We go to Griffith and walk. Hit Birds for lunch (seriously this long-ass non-labor thing is wreaking havoc on our checking account.) Came home for nap #2.
Something shifted and I woke up feeling so discouraged again. So frustrated. I didn't want to go anywhere with a lot of people. Definitely didn't want to drive anywhere. I took a shower, tried to clear my head...
I keep feeling like we have this ominous deadline looming - Tuesday is 42 weeks and that means scary, terrifying words like "hospital" and "pitocin" and "IV drip" and the most dreaded of all "C-section."
I know I know I KNOW I need to release this fear or it will manifest, but holy fucking hell. I'm already a hormonal basket-case...
So I keep breathing. Watching silly movies and shows on TV. Can't read because what's the point in starting a new book? Though I guess I should. Getting really sick of walking walking walking even though I know it's best for us all.
Tomorrow Mom & Pops come. I was so sure we'd have a brand new baby for them to see. Instead they get a very pregnant, hormonal, cry at the drop of a hat, me. Hope this baby comes soon.
And laid there like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. Way too excited. Dreams of filling the birth tub, of breathing my way through contractions and holding our gorgeous baby girl in my arms filled my head. Then my sinuses backed up and I couldn't breathe so I tossed and turned. Then Ella kept breaking into Ruby's room and getting shut in there, so I kept getting up out of bed to get her.
Finally by 2 am I'd found my very last Breath Right strip for my nose and decamped to watch whatever I could find on TV. Slept on the couch for an hour. Went back to bed. Dozed for another hour. Ajax got up at 4 after what I'm sure wasn't all that restful a night, what with me up and down a dozen times... I slept until 7.
We were giddy this morning. Still having contractions - no harder, but still there. Yay.
We had breakfast, cleaned up a little, talked about what we could to do to get the house ready more. We made calls. I took another nap. Sarah came over. Then Davi called and said "You'll hate me for saying this now, but you'll thank me later... you're in 'pre-labor'. Stop timing the contractions. Go out, go have your day, go for walk. Rest. Eat well. It could be days."
Days? Did she seriously just say "days"? As in not Saturday, but maybe Sunday. Or Monday?
ARRRRGGHHHHHHH...
But okay. So we go live our life. We go to Griffith and walk. Hit Birds for lunch (seriously this long-ass non-labor thing is wreaking havoc on our checking account.) Came home for nap #2.
Something shifted and I woke up feeling so discouraged again. So frustrated. I didn't want to go anywhere with a lot of people. Definitely didn't want to drive anywhere. I took a shower, tried to clear my head...
I keep feeling like we have this ominous deadline looming - Tuesday is 42 weeks and that means scary, terrifying words like "hospital" and "pitocin" and "IV drip" and the most dreaded of all "C-section."
I know I know I KNOW I need to release this fear or it will manifest, but holy fucking hell. I'm already a hormonal basket-case...
So I keep breathing. Watching silly movies and shows on TV. Can't read because what's the point in starting a new book? Though I guess I should. Getting really sick of walking walking walking even though I know it's best for us all.
Tomorrow Mom & Pops come. I was so sure we'd have a brand new baby for them to see. Instead they get a very pregnant, hormonal, cry at the drop of a hat, me. Hope this baby comes soon.
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Yesterday was a bit rough. It started out wonderfully - Ajax stayed home, we had breakfast in the garden and just rested until our midwife appointment. We were sure SURE they'd tell us we were at least 3 cm and they'd strip the membranes to get the water moving and bada bing bada boom we'd be holding Ruby in our arms by midnight.
HAHAHAHAHA....
The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).
Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.
Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."
Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!
Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.
Until I got home and completely lost it.
I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.
Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.
We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:
Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.
HAHAHAHAHA....
The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).
Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.
Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."
Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!
Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.
Until I got home and completely lost it.
I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.
Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.
We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:
1. To be sung to the tune of Frere Jacques (from me & AR):Plus an offer from my friend Jennifer's brilliant energy-worker husband to work with me today for free (so sweet!)
Baby Wuby
Baby Wuby
Come on out!
Come on out!
How much do we love you?
How much do we love you?
Shout it out!
Shout it out!
2. Also, this is the song I made up for AR (to be sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle):
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you
If I didn't, I'd feel blue
So thank goodness for my itty baby boo
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you.
And now Bebop sings it with me. :-)
3. Come on out Wuby, soon. Give your mommy and daddy a private and sacred labor and birthing experience at home, okay? How about labor starting tomorrow, with the actual birth occurring on Friday? What do you think, Wuby?
4. Here's a poem for you Wuby:
Little Wuby, I think it's time
To make your way into this world
Your mommy and daddy have been waiting patiently
For you to be their little girl
I know you feel warm and safe and loved
In the tiny cocoon of your womb
But now it's time to take wing, little dove
With a git up and go and va-voom!
You are so lucky to have the parents you do
You have already been loved so much
They're ready for the vomit and the pee and the poo
And all the sleepless nights and such
Help your mommy's cervix to yawn wide
Use your legs to push out
Let the contractions be the outgoing tide
So we can hear your wee little shout
Come on, come on, little Wuby, let's go
There's more on our side to see
Than what's in the confines of your amniotic world
Come on out so you know what it feels like to be free.
Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.
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Ahhhh - it's 3:15 am. And I'm wide awake. (After a "How I Met Your Mother" themed dream that was nice, but weird... We watch too many re-runs of that show, methinks...)
I knew yesterday wasn't the day - I knew it after I posted at 3 am and then went to sit and meditate in our (superclean!) living room. I just heard Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday. I think Ruby didn't want to be saddled with "Ruby Tuesday" for the rest of her life and that's fine by me! I am all for avoiding annoying nicknames. I took it very very easy in the morning and was really looking forward to our midwife appointment in the afternoon. I slept in, I took a nap on the couch, did some laundry. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with laundry lately? For a while I was obsessed with having enough toilet paper in the house... now that we do, I'm convinced that all the clothes have to be clean before she comes or we'll be surrounded by piles of dirty clothes for the next three months. Irrational? Yes. But hey - I heard about a guy yesterday who is completely and utterly terrified of cucumbers (and by extenstion, pickles). Makes my laundry thing a little less irrational yes?
Speaking of irrational, around the time I decided a shower was in order, I got a call that Davi (our midwife) had to cancel our appointment as she was at another birth.
Complete and total meltdown.
Seriously - I called Ajax in tears, so upset, so disapointed. And later I realized, so envious of THAT mom who got her baby yesterday.
A long hot shower helped. Doing 3 minutes of cat-cow exercises with the hot water beating down on my sore lower back helped a LOT more. Realizing (hoping) that Tuesday wasn't our day because Ruby wants to make sure Davi is actually AT her birth helped a lot more. Smart little girl - in touch with the cosmos.
After the shower, I felt so much better. More open. Brian had offered to come over and bring lunch and at first, I was thinking "No I want to be myself" until I realized that was utter bullshit. So I called him and bless his heart, he came over with Zankou chicken & hummus and we had an awesome afternoon in the garden, eating and catching up. It was so incredibly lovely and calming I can't even describe it. We've been a little disconnected lately, so it was just fantastic to be able to catch up on everything and talk like we used/usually do.
Oh! And the baby's room - so beautiful! Gotta take pictures tomorrow. The mural is done! Sarah's going to swing by today to do the other two walls in yellow - shouldn't take more than an hour, I'd think! Then the plastic can come up and the furniture can get moved out of the center of the room! Hurraaay!!! So maybe Ruby is waiting for that. Who knows.
The highlight of yesterday was two-fold. Ajax came home early and I went to acupuncture. Sort of serendipitous - the midwife appointment got cancelled and Jeremiah had an opening at the exact same time. So off we went... And I definitely felt it working. So let's hope the energy keeps moving and things start contracting today!
We're going to see Michelle (the other midwife) today as well - hoping she'll be able to strip the membranes, so it's easier for my water to break. REALLY hoping she'll tell me we're fully effaced and even a little dilated. After that I'm thinking I'll head up to the Valley for this salad at this cafe that's supposed to induce labor... (Read about it here) I'll probably get it to go and go spend some time with my friend Jennifer and her wonderful daughter Leela, who I've know since she was 6 weeks old. Now she's almost 3!! Maybe she can have a chat with Ruby about how fun it is in the world!
One day at a time up here at Mt. Valentine. The hardest part is that Ajax has to go back to work, but really there's nothing for him to do there. He was so bored yesterday. His temp replacment is already doing everything... but something about the way his leave works, he has to be there until the baby actually is born. It's driving him crazy to be so far away. I keep hoping I'll start having contractions NOW so he can stay home today. And you know, so we can HAVE THIS BABY!!!
I knew yesterday wasn't the day - I knew it after I posted at 3 am and then went to sit and meditate in our (superclean!) living room. I just heard Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday. I think Ruby didn't want to be saddled with "Ruby Tuesday" for the rest of her life and that's fine by me! I am all for avoiding annoying nicknames. I took it very very easy in the morning and was really looking forward to our midwife appointment in the afternoon. I slept in, I took a nap on the couch, did some laundry. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with laundry lately? For a while I was obsessed with having enough toilet paper in the house... now that we do, I'm convinced that all the clothes have to be clean before she comes or we'll be surrounded by piles of dirty clothes for the next three months. Irrational? Yes. But hey - I heard about a guy yesterday who is completely and utterly terrified of cucumbers (and by extenstion, pickles). Makes my laundry thing a little less irrational yes?
Speaking of irrational, around the time I decided a shower was in order, I got a call that Davi (our midwife) had to cancel our appointment as she was at another birth.
Complete and total meltdown.
Seriously - I called Ajax in tears, so upset, so disapointed. And later I realized, so envious of THAT mom who got her baby yesterday.
A long hot shower helped. Doing 3 minutes of cat-cow exercises with the hot water beating down on my sore lower back helped a LOT more. Realizing (hoping) that Tuesday wasn't our day because Ruby wants to make sure Davi is actually AT her birth helped a lot more. Smart little girl - in touch with the cosmos.
After the shower, I felt so much better. More open. Brian had offered to come over and bring lunch and at first, I was thinking "No I want to be myself" until I realized that was utter bullshit. So I called him and bless his heart, he came over with Zankou chicken & hummus and we had an awesome afternoon in the garden, eating and catching up. It was so incredibly lovely and calming I can't even describe it. We've been a little disconnected lately, so it was just fantastic to be able to catch up on everything and talk like we used/usually do.
Oh! And the baby's room - so beautiful! Gotta take pictures tomorrow. The mural is done! Sarah's going to swing by today to do the other two walls in yellow - shouldn't take more than an hour, I'd think! Then the plastic can come up and the furniture can get moved out of the center of the room! Hurraaay!!! So maybe Ruby is waiting for that. Who knows.
The highlight of yesterday was two-fold. Ajax came home early and I went to acupuncture. Sort of serendipitous - the midwife appointment got cancelled and Jeremiah had an opening at the exact same time. So off we went... And I definitely felt it working. So let's hope the energy keeps moving and things start contracting today!
We're going to see Michelle (the other midwife) today as well - hoping she'll be able to strip the membranes, so it's easier for my water to break. REALLY hoping she'll tell me we're fully effaced and even a little dilated. After that I'm thinking I'll head up to the Valley for this salad at this cafe that's supposed to induce labor... (Read about it here) I'll probably get it to go and go spend some time with my friend Jennifer and her wonderful daughter Leela, who I've know since she was 6 weeks old. Now she's almost 3!! Maybe she can have a chat with Ruby about how fun it is in the world!
One day at a time up here at Mt. Valentine. The hardest part is that Ajax has to go back to work, but really there's nothing for him to do there. He was so bored yesterday. His temp replacment is already doing everything... but something about the way his leave works, he has to be there until the baby actually is born. It's driving him crazy to be so far away. I keep hoping I'll start having contractions NOW so he can stay home today. And you know, so we can HAVE THIS BABY!!!
And still pregnant.
Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!
Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)
We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.
Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.
By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.
I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.
Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!
Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)
We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.
Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.
By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.
I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.
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Yesterday was a lovely day. I got up late, showed our mommy's helper around, went for a walk, picked up some last minute things (crucial things like dry cleaning and tapioca). Got home and set to making the apricot marinade for the chicken legs I had defrosting. Sarah came over to work on the room, which is really almost done - just needs yellow on two walls and few touch ups! After I made the marinade, I took a break, got some Raspberry Leaf tea and sat on the porch to read a magazine. Lovely life! There was a nice warm breeze, I was reading birth stories... I was feeling quite content.
Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...
An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.
We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.
Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.
And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.
So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.
Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...
An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.
We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.
Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.
And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.
So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.
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Yesterday we went for a little walk around the lake, me and my hopefully soon-to-be born daughter. (ooooh, that's so cool to say/write that!)
It's usually a meditative time for me to go walking and this time was no different... the air was cool, a little humid and the sun was just starting to peek out from behind the fog. I was enjoying the wood ducks swimming on the reservoir, grinned like a maniac at a guy I went to college with who I'm sure doesn't remember me and was thinking "wow that really pregnant lady was sure happy to see me!" Just all around a lovely stroll. (I don't go much faster than "stroll" now. In fact, stroll is to spring what waddle is to walk these days).
And then I heard a little voice in my head say "I'm ready Mama."
Ah - my little miss.
"Good," said I, "we're so ready to see you. When are you planning to arrive?"
"It's a surprise," she giggled.
I had to laugh - this one is an imp already.
"Okay, we're ready when you are sweetie."
Pause.
"Mama? How will I know when it's time?"
"Well, I think you'll just know - it's your divine timing. We're here for you, so you need to talk to your spirit guides and see what's the best for you, for your life's journey."
"Okay... when can my sister come? Because she's my best friend and I'm really going to miss her. But she might come as a boy, is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay - we'll love her as a boy or a girl. But let's wait a couple years. But she's always welcome to come and visit us like you have. We love her already and are so excited to have her in our family too. I'll make sure you stay connected to her - don't worry!"
"Okay. Because she's my best friend."
Got it. Excellent... no sibling rivalry in the Valentine house. Nice.
"Mama?"
"Ruby?"
"Can we go to Burning Man? Because it's really fun there."
Now I'm laughing...
"How do you know it's fun there? And yes of course we'll go!"
"I went when I was helping you and Daddy fall in love remember?"
Duh. Silly mommy.
"I miss Daddy. I can't wait to see him."
"Then come on out - he's going to be the first one to hold you and kiss you when you get here!"
"Okay. I'm going to visit Eaglewoman. I'm going to tell her when I'm coming."
"Have fun!"
This morning as I was relaying all of this to Ajax, he started to get a little weepy. I thanked him for not thinking he had a crazy wife and he said "I know it's real because you have faith and that faith is the foundation of our family."
I'm so so blessed.
It's usually a meditative time for me to go walking and this time was no different... the air was cool, a little humid and the sun was just starting to peek out from behind the fog. I was enjoying the wood ducks swimming on the reservoir, grinned like a maniac at a guy I went to college with who I'm sure doesn't remember me and was thinking "wow that really pregnant lady was sure happy to see me!" Just all around a lovely stroll. (I don't go much faster than "stroll" now. In fact, stroll is to spring what waddle is to walk these days).
And then I heard a little voice in my head say "I'm ready Mama."
Ah - my little miss.
"Good," said I, "we're so ready to see you. When are you planning to arrive?"
"It's a surprise," she giggled.
I had to laugh - this one is an imp already.
"Okay, we're ready when you are sweetie."
Pause.
"Mama? How will I know when it's time?"
"Well, I think you'll just know - it's your divine timing. We're here for you, so you need to talk to your spirit guides and see what's the best for you, for your life's journey."
"Okay... when can my sister come? Because she's my best friend and I'm really going to miss her. But she might come as a boy, is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay - we'll love her as a boy or a girl. But let's wait a couple years. But she's always welcome to come and visit us like you have. We love her already and are so excited to have her in our family too. I'll make sure you stay connected to her - don't worry!"
"Okay. Because she's my best friend."
Got it. Excellent... no sibling rivalry in the Valentine house. Nice.
"Mama?"
"Ruby?"
"Can we go to Burning Man? Because it's really fun there."
Now I'm laughing...
"How do you know it's fun there? And yes of course we'll go!"
"I went when I was helping you and Daddy fall in love remember?"
Duh. Silly mommy.
"I miss Daddy. I can't wait to see him."
"Then come on out - he's going to be the first one to hold you and kiss you when you get here!"
"Okay. I'm going to visit Eaglewoman. I'm going to tell her when I'm coming."
"Have fun!"
This morning as I was relaying all of this to Ajax, he started to get a little weepy. I thanked him for not thinking he had a crazy wife and he said "I know it's real because you have faith and that faith is the foundation of our family."
I'm so so blessed.
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Yep, here I am at 4 am again. This time trying to suss out some sense of this dream... first I'm in the yoga center and I realize that I really can't teach the Mommy & Me class. I'm not sure why, but I can't. So I get Sada Simran to do it. Then I go to work behind the front counter and take some iced tea with me. Kali's there and tells me I can't have beverages behind the counter, which pisses me off, but I figure she must know because I haven't been behind the front counter in a while. Marlene starts to tell me that I should really think twice about Sada Simran as a doula and I freak out and tell her it's too late for that and she needs to be more supportive and not tell me negative things.
Then it all switches and I'm watching some bizarre scene from Beauty & the Beast, where some thugs try to steal Belle from the Beast, he saves her, and she immediately swoons and starts talking marriage and kids and the Beast freaks out like "whoa whoa - let's go one step at a time here!"
Then suddenly the Beatles are all alive and back together and are playing a private gig from some insanely rich Middle Eastern/Arabic guy who has a private train that drives right into their hotel come pick them up. They get stinking drunk and almost eat the semi-raw chicken he serves them and are laughing and reminiscing.
And scene.
WTF?
And now I'm wide awake, but totally groggy, eating Honey Nut Cheerios (it's the last box, I swear!) at 4:21 am. And no one has posted anything the least bit interesting on Facebook.
bah.
Mostly in between the bizarro dream sequences (or layered beneath them?) I thought about labor and having this baby girl. How weird it will be. Scary? Maybe. But I think whatever fear that comes up now is mostly fear of the unknown... like going to a new school or starting a new job. I know it will be fine, good, wonderful, etc but I have no concept of what to expect really. No book or labor prep class can ever really give you an accurate depiction of what it's like to have a human being come out from inside you. It's just.... weird. Really - when you think about it, it is. Mammals are very strange.
Then it all switches and I'm watching some bizarre scene from Beauty & the Beast, where some thugs try to steal Belle from the Beast, he saves her, and she immediately swoons and starts talking marriage and kids and the Beast freaks out like "whoa whoa - let's go one step at a time here!"
Then suddenly the Beatles are all alive and back together and are playing a private gig from some insanely rich Middle Eastern/Arabic guy who has a private train that drives right into their hotel come pick them up. They get stinking drunk and almost eat the semi-raw chicken he serves them and are laughing and reminiscing.
And scene.
WTF?
And now I'm wide awake, but totally groggy, eating Honey Nut Cheerios (it's the last box, I swear!) at 4:21 am. And no one has posted anything the least bit interesting on Facebook.
bah.
Mostly in between the bizarro dream sequences (or layered beneath them?) I thought about labor and having this baby girl. How weird it will be. Scary? Maybe. But I think whatever fear that comes up now is mostly fear of the unknown... like going to a new school or starting a new job. I know it will be fine, good, wonderful, etc but I have no concept of what to expect really. No book or labor prep class can ever really give you an accurate depiction of what it's like to have a human being come out from inside you. It's just.... weird. Really - when you think about it, it is. Mammals are very strange.
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Wide awake after a bizarro dream in which I was flying over ancient cities (Paris, Athens, Rome). As I was flying over ancient Rome I was desperately holding onto my meditation pillow in one hand and the hand-me-down My Brest Friend breastfeeding pilllow from Claudia in the other. And trying not to fall out of the sky while searching for the Vatican. I felt like all the buildings were models - not real and if I fell I'd get impaled on them. But I had to find the Vatican. Then I landed, and our tour guide (Tom from Top Chef) told me he had to go and we all had to find our way back.
I managed to end up in Toronto (?) where I I left my shoes at a subway station. First I went to the Gluten-Free Girl's house to find them, but they weren't there and everyone in their house was asleep. Then I was back to the airport with my mom, who was working as a secret agent for the TSA and her job was to flush out people by being friendly with them. So she was chatting with some lady who was also on oxygen.
Then I was going back and forth between the station and my mom's house trying to find my shoes. Everyone who rode the subway was supposed to take their shoes off, so the place above the escalator had tons of shoes, but not mine. But then I looked down and there were my fantastic pink and brown Pumas (that I haven't worn since month 5) on my feet!
and uh, it just occured to me that the reason I couldn't find the Vatican in ancient Rome is that it wasn't there. Silly subconscious mind...
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This has been the most. awesome. week. ever.
Seriously here's what I've done this week:
Monday - Putzed around the house, cleaned up our bedroom and HUNG the curtains (that have been just laying over a gross curtain rod for the last year and a half!), played with the kitties, got a chiropractic adjustment, went to Target (where I walked for 45 minutes), got a mani/pedi, picked up some groceries, napped.
Tuesday - Putzed around the house, went to yoga, installed the car seat, got lunch, went to the bank, napped, picked up Ben and went to our midwife appointment (where we learned we're 30% effaced and a little bit open, but Ruby needs to slide on down), went to Pasadena for a lovely dinner and to see Gesine at her reading!
Wednesday - Did some laundry, went for a good walk at the lake, then went to the pet store to stock up on kitten food, hardware store to get painting supplies, Trader Joes for a mid-week re-stock, came home and Sarah and I primed the walls in Ruby's room, then went to Brian's for a yummy dinner. (I will admit I kind of over did it on Wednesday).
Thursday - slept in until almost 9 am! Putzed around, cleaned the heck out of the kitchen, swept and tidied the living room, made the most delicious salad for lunch, napped on the couch, then putzed around some more while Sarah got started on painting, did more laundry, cleaned up the bathroom, napped a little bit more on the couch, made & enjoyed a wonderful dinner with my handsome husband in our backyard!
Today's agenda: the plumbers are coming to install the dishwasher (yayyyyyy!). I'm so excited about it that I made them brownies! Sarah's coming by to work on Ruby's mural... and I have no idea what I'll do this afternoon. Maybe go for a walk or do some yoga. Definitely a nap at some point! Always with the naps!
Here's the weekly update:
How far along? 39 Weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 2 pounds. heh.
Stretch marks? Not going anywhere, but they seem to be fading? Or I'm getting used to them...
Sleep: in two hour increments. Then up for 15 - 60 minutes, then a lovely stretch of sleep from about 6 - 9 am...
Best moment this week: Painting the walls in Ruby's room!!! It's so pretty!
Movement: Lots still and now she seems to be moving on demand - how nice to have such an obediant child already!
Food cravings: Was really craving sugar for a couple days, but now I just want cold things... ice water, popsicles...
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Still some B-H contractions. And we're 30% effaced. Davi checked me on Tuesday and it was NOT FUN. Tres uncomfortable and I bled - blech. Totally normal and she seemed excited that I was a little effaced, so that's good.
Belly Button in or out? In but occasionally it bulges!!!
What I miss: Ben - I'm home by myself a lot and I really miss him during the day. Can't wait until both of us are home together.
What I am looking forward to: Sleeping on my stomach again someday.
Weekly Wisdom: Ask for hep - people really want to give it.
Seriously here's what I've done this week:
Monday - Putzed around the house, cleaned up our bedroom and HUNG the curtains (that have been just laying over a gross curtain rod for the last year and a half!), played with the kitties, got a chiropractic adjustment, went to Target (where I walked for 45 minutes), got a mani/pedi, picked up some groceries, napped.
Tuesday - Putzed around the house, went to yoga, installed the car seat, got lunch, went to the bank, napped, picked up Ben and went to our midwife appointment (where we learned we're 30% effaced and a little bit open, but Ruby needs to slide on down), went to Pasadena for a lovely dinner and to see Gesine at her reading!
Wednesday - Did some laundry, went for a good walk at the lake, then went to the pet store to stock up on kitten food, hardware store to get painting supplies, Trader Joes for a mid-week re-stock, came home and Sarah and I primed the walls in Ruby's room, then went to Brian's for a yummy dinner. (I will admit I kind of over did it on Wednesday).
Thursday - slept in until almost 9 am! Putzed around, cleaned the heck out of the kitchen, swept and tidied the living room, made the most delicious salad for lunch, napped on the couch, then putzed around some more while Sarah got started on painting, did more laundry, cleaned up the bathroom, napped a little bit more on the couch, made & enjoyed a wonderful dinner with my handsome husband in our backyard!
Today's agenda: the plumbers are coming to install the dishwasher (yayyyyyy!). I'm so excited about it that I made them brownies! Sarah's coming by to work on Ruby's mural... and I have no idea what I'll do this afternoon. Maybe go for a walk or do some yoga. Definitely a nap at some point! Always with the naps!
Here's the weekly update:
How far along? 39 Weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 2 pounds. heh.
Stretch marks? Not going anywhere, but they seem to be fading? Or I'm getting used to them...
Sleep: in two hour increments. Then up for 15 - 60 minutes, then a lovely stretch of sleep from about 6 - 9 am...
Best moment this week: Painting the walls in Ruby's room!!! It's so pretty!
Movement: Lots still and now she seems to be moving on demand - how nice to have such an obediant child already!
Food cravings: Was really craving sugar for a couple days, but now I just want cold things... ice water, popsicles...
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Still some B-H contractions. And we're 30% effaced. Davi checked me on Tuesday and it was NOT FUN. Tres uncomfortable and I bled - blech. Totally normal and she seemed excited that I was a little effaced, so that's good.
Belly Button in or out? In but occasionally it bulges!!!
What I miss: Ben - I'm home by myself a lot and I really miss him during the day. Can't wait until both of us are home together.
What I am looking forward to: Sleeping on my stomach again someday.
Weekly Wisdom: Ask for hep - people really want to give it.
It's my first official day on leave. It kind of feels like vacation! I slept in... until 7:10, which is sleeping when you've been getting up at 4:30 for the last two weeks! I'm slowly making a list of things I'd like to get done today (walk, chiro appointment, Target, sweep the house, nap) and am loving that it's cool, gray and foggy out.
Mostly though I feel like I'm in a dream-state. I don't have any real responsibilities, aside from getting myself to the chiro appointment. All weekend I've felt completely relaxed and free - Ruby could arrive at any minute and that's fine. She could not show up for two more weeks and that's fine too. The house might be spotless when she arrives. Or it might not. And that's fine. It's like I'm floating through life, totally content with this slower pace and not freaking out at all (seriously) about anything that might or might not get done. At this point it really doesn't matter. It's like the best vacation ever. Because at the end of this "vacation" I get a baby!
I've been reading a lot about post-partum care - not for Ruby, which I think we'll figure out - but for me. I've been practicing slowing down, letting Ajax or other people do things for me, because that has not typically been my strong suit. Only child syndrom - I'm very "I CAN DO IT MYSELF" and don't really like to a) ask for help or b) take orders. But in the last couple weeks my sweet husband who never gets mad, started to get frustrated because I'm insisting on carrying this or that or doing something that I know I can do. Finally he said "Will you please start acting like you're 38 weeks pregnant? And let me do that for you."
And I had a little ah-ha! moment. Oh yeahhh... I'm 38 weeks pregnant, 39 weeks tomorrow. I'm supposed to be slowing down. Taking it easy. Resting. Resting to have the strength and endurance to go through labor. And also it's good practice after Ruby is born because I'm not supposed to be doing much for a month or so afterwards either. So I need to relax and let other people do stuff for me now. It definitely rankles me. I don't like it - I feel selfish and helpless all at the same time which just ends up pissing me off. But if it means that I'll have a healthier baby and be healthier myself in the long run so I can be an even better mom, then I'll get over myself. But gah - it ain't easy.
Mostly though I feel like I'm in a dream-state. I don't have any real responsibilities, aside from getting myself to the chiro appointment. All weekend I've felt completely relaxed and free - Ruby could arrive at any minute and that's fine. She could not show up for two more weeks and that's fine too. The house might be spotless when she arrives. Or it might not. And that's fine. It's like I'm floating through life, totally content with this slower pace and not freaking out at all (seriously) about anything that might or might not get done. At this point it really doesn't matter. It's like the best vacation ever. Because at the end of this "vacation" I get a baby!
I've been reading a lot about post-partum care - not for Ruby, which I think we'll figure out - but for me. I've been practicing slowing down, letting Ajax or other people do things for me, because that has not typically been my strong suit. Only child syndrom - I'm very "I CAN DO IT MYSELF" and don't really like to a) ask for help or b) take orders. But in the last couple weeks my sweet husband who never gets mad, started to get frustrated because I'm insisting on carrying this or that or doing something that I know I can do. Finally he said "Will you please start acting like you're 38 weeks pregnant? And let me do that for you."
And I had a little ah-ha! moment. Oh yeahhh... I'm 38 weeks pregnant, 39 weeks tomorrow. I'm supposed to be slowing down. Taking it easy. Resting. Resting to have the strength and endurance to go through labor. And also it's good practice after Ruby is born because I'm not supposed to be doing much for a month or so afterwards either. So I need to relax and let other people do stuff for me now. It definitely rankles me. I don't like it - I feel selfish and helpless all at the same time which just ends up pissing me off. But if it means that I'll have a healthier baby and be healthier myself in the long run so I can be an even better mom, then I'll get over myself. But gah - it ain't easy.
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Wow. It's dark at this time of morning. And when Ajax doesn't get up with me it's a little too quiet. Just me and the cats and a million thoughts:
Will we get the baby's room done in time?
What will labor feel like? Will I know I'm in labor? How will I know?
We've got to get the car seat in the car. But I need to get the car washed first.
How will co-sleeping work? What will it feel like to breastfeed? Will the cats be okay with not getting as much attention for a little while?
Gotta call Jerry about the dishwasher again. And remind Ajax that we need to put primer on the walls. Why does everything we need to do have a million steps that has to be done beforehand? Why are we moving so slowly? Will Ruby stay in long enough for us to get it all done? I need to sweep. I need to mop. I gotta clean out the windows. And clean the glass.
I think I have an idea of how our lives are about to change but I know deep down I have no fucking clue. But if one more person tells me that I will hit them.
I hope the Giants will their series against the Dodgers... when did I become a baseball fan?
Will Ajax cook us food if I'm breastfeeding? When do I start pumping so he can share the feeding? I gotta order the pump.
I need to finish the thank you notes. I need stamps. We have to send that package to Gracie.
Crap I gotta figure out if I'm eligible for family leave pay from the state.
Will I ever figure out how to fold our stroller?
I need to stop with the cheerios already.
Will we get the baby's room done in time?
What will labor feel like? Will I know I'm in labor? How will I know?
We've got to get the car seat in the car. But I need to get the car washed first.
How will co-sleeping work? What will it feel like to breastfeed? Will the cats be okay with not getting as much attention for a little while?
Gotta call Jerry about the dishwasher again. And remind Ajax that we need to put primer on the walls. Why does everything we need to do have a million steps that has to be done beforehand? Why are we moving so slowly? Will Ruby stay in long enough for us to get it all done? I need to sweep. I need to mop. I gotta clean out the windows. And clean the glass.
I think I have an idea of how our lives are about to change but I know deep down I have no fucking clue. But if one more person tells me that I will hit them.
I hope the Giants will their series against the Dodgers... when did I become a baseball fan?
Will Ajax cook us food if I'm breastfeeding? When do I start pumping so he can share the feeding? I gotta order the pump.
I need to finish the thank you notes. I need stamps. We have to send that package to Gracie.
Crap I gotta figure out if I'm eligible for family leave pay from the state.
Will I ever figure out how to fold our stroller?
I need to stop with the cheerios already.
Today I didn't have to be anywhere until 12:30... so of course I was wide awake at 4:30 am! Got up, played with kittens, made breakfast for my hard-working handsome hunk of a husband because I'm sweet like that, had some breakfast myself... futzed around on Facebook... And then went back to bed at 6:15 am for the world's. greatest. nap. ever. Seriously - I slept so well in those 2.5 hours it was like I was a new non-pregnant person when I woke up!
And I decided to tackle the bathroom... ugh. We moved a lot of crap I was sure we needed, but didn't. We had a lot of old medicines, random bits of ugly jewelry, and ancient hand lotions and bath salts that got tossed out today. YAY! Now the towels are all neat and tidy, the first aid stuff is all in one bin, my make up and other stuff is consolidated from 4 drawers and a few small bins to ONE DRAWER! We actually have a drawer for Ruby now! It was almost as much fun as doing the kitchen cabinets.
Tomorrow Brett comes to consult with us on the ceiling and give us some pointers on what to do next (or possibly find time in his insane schedule to actually do it - fingers crossed...) Next week Jerry comes to do the dishwasher... oh yes. The dishwasher. That we'd almost forgotten about... Just in the nick of time!
But tonight we're having dinner - I succumbed to the craving above and it's in the oven. And we're watching the Giants/sweeping & mopping the baby's room... not sure how "we" are going to do that since I'm not allowed in the baby's room with all the dust... But once it's done I can definitely help put stuff back in there (neater) so that I can figure out crucial information like how many diapers we have (a metric ton) and where the furniture will go... Also means we'll get our dining room back, which will be nice.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm pretty much elated, thrilled, over-joyed, excited. Don't really think I'll be too sad, since I will be back. Mentally I was ready to be done 2 weeks ago. And I feel like I've gotten everything pretty well lined up... just one loose end which I will foist off to Gurushabd and that's that. Tomorrow my to do list is:
And I decided to tackle the bathroom... ugh. We moved a lot of crap I was sure we needed, but didn't. We had a lot of old medicines, random bits of ugly jewelry, and ancient hand lotions and bath salts that got tossed out today. YAY! Now the towels are all neat and tidy, the first aid stuff is all in one bin, my make up and other stuff is consolidated from 4 drawers and a few small bins to ONE DRAWER! We actually have a drawer for Ruby now! It was almost as much fun as doing the kitchen cabinets.
Tomorrow Brett comes to consult with us on the ceiling and give us some pointers on what to do next (or possibly find time in his insane schedule to actually do it - fingers crossed...) Next week Jerry comes to do the dishwasher... oh yes. The dishwasher. That we'd almost forgotten about... Just in the nick of time!
But tonight we're having dinner - I succumbed to the craving above and it's in the oven. And we're watching the Giants/sweeping & mopping the baby's room... not sure how "we" are going to do that since I'm not allowed in the baby's room with all the dust... But once it's done I can definitely help put stuff back in there (neater) so that I can figure out crucial information like how many diapers we have (a metric ton) and where the furniture will go... Also means we'll get our dining room back, which will be nice.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm pretty much elated, thrilled, over-joyed, excited. Don't really think I'll be too sad, since I will be back. Mentally I was ready to be done 2 weeks ago. And I feel like I've gotten everything pretty well lined up... just one loose end which I will foist off to Gurushabd and that's that. Tomorrow my to do list is:
- Clean out email inbox
- Change voicemail
- Turn on "out of office" notification.
- Go home and don't think about work for 3 months.
It's hard to believe that cute little face is soon going to be peeking out of my body!! And bringing the rest of her wiggly self with her!Dang. She's so cute. It's going to be hard to put her down for anything.
I mean, seriously. Look at those cute little lips!
And those fingers. Just resting under her chin, already she's a model.
In other news the ceiling in the nursery is officially scraped clean of popcorn... only to find that the ceiling is, as predicted, crap. So we need to hustle now and get Brett to get out here and get wainscotting or beadboard or something up. Ajax suggested fabric. I immediately had nightmarish visions of fire... *shudder* So yeah - obvioulsy no on the fabric, though aesthetically it might look cool.
Meanwhile ALL and I mean ALL of the contents of the nursery are currently in our dining room. Le big sigh. I need to get one more under bed box for various linens that are taking up valuable drawer space... Then Ruby will get the big brown dresser. Plus a little tiny dresser. I'm itching to get in there and get it all put away - mostly so I know what we have and we still need....
I'm totally stealing this from someone else's blog (the818.com - great read!) I wish I'd been doing this all along... ugh. Oh well.
How far along? 38 Weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: Not thinking about it at all. Can't. Too upsetting.
Stretch marks? Many and deep. Weird. The ones on my tummy don't bother me near as much as the ones on my hips.
Sleep: bwahh haa haa haa haa! Sleep? Are you serious? *wipes tears of laughter away*
Best moment this week: Getting the ceiling scraped and getting the sketch for the nursery. Yes we are cutting it close...
Movement: Lots of rolls and stretches with the occasional roundhouse kick to the ribs if someone is hungry and someone else is feeling too lazy/big to get out of bed/off the couch to get food.
Food cravings: Lamb. Bizarre. Have not succumbed. Yet. (Trying to get pictures of cute little lambs out of my brain)
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Some Braxton Hicks - they feel like the most mild of cramps. I have to stop and think "oh hey - that was a BH contraction" because it just feels like day 4 of my period.
Belly Button in or out? In. Sometimes flat and sometimes way in. It's weird.
What I miss: My energy - I get tired really easily.
What I am looking forward to: The experience of labor, how it will deepen my relationship with Ajax and with myself.
Weekly Wisdom: Arch supports are my friends.
But since I know you, my loyal reader (s??), really just want to gaze at the cuteness and perfection that is Ruby - here are a few more gems:
