Baby knows her name

Today I was talking to my friend Sylvia and I said "This is Ruby" and right on cue - she kicked!  Hard!

Already brilliant!  

120 days

Today is our 120th day.  It's been 120 days since this baby in my belly was conceived through magic and joy and with a great deal of help from the nice designers of Space Mountain...  

I had a reading with Eaglewoman tonight and she confirmed it's a girl!  Not that we didn't ALL already know that.  (And yes, we'll be getting some hard evidence soon). 

In addition to the myriad of blessings showered upon us, we learned that the baby is strong in Elk Medicine, she likes lavender oil and she's an old soul.  She's also capable of great magic. She's surrounded us all with a protective red band of light.  And her soul was hand-delivered to us by an angel.  

After this incredible experience, we had the blessing to have a ceremony with Gurmukh and a few dear friends - the ceremony is really a celebration for the mother. Gifts are brought for her and blessings given to her - it was joyful and so incredibly validating to hear that a) I'm loved and appreciated, b) that the love I have for Ajax is obvious and bright for all to see and share in and c) that most people we know are sure this sweet baby will be as filled with light and laughter as we are.  

It was almost overwhelming to have the two experiences back to back, but I'm so grateful.  I feel stronger, more confident and happier.  But mostly I just feel so very very blessed.  

I can feel the baby moving now more.  She loves it when her Daddy touches my tummy or reads to her.   I can also "feel" her more - feel her essence and her spirit.  She's joyful, but grounded.  Ridiculously smart and incredibly playful with a little trickster in her.  She knows how loved she is and gives it back times 1000000000...  

 

Enjoying the slow

In the past few years (or okay maybe in my entire life...) I've never been a particularly patient patient. I don't like being sick, I rail against its cruel injustice and whine and moan about the littlest of sniffly noses. I know - no one likes being sick. I just think I'm kind of a baby about it...

And while I'm certainly not sick right now, I am definitely down for the count more often than not these days. And my tummy is doing very bizarre things, so food is a very strange odyssey at the moment (case in point: dinner two nights ago was garlic & olive oil pasta from a box and some grapefruit... though I did add spinach to the pasta, so there was a modicum of health in the meal.)

But here's the weird thing - I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of this experience. The complete and utter exhaustion (I just slept for 10 hours and I'm yawning...), the weird food cravings (and aversions, currently just sesame oil) and the funky tummy. I'm exceedingly grateful that I'm not throwing up, but every rumble just means hormones are doing what they are supposed to do.

I'm also learning to let things be - our house could use a thorough cleaning and has been in that state for a few weeks... I just don't have the energy to freak out about it. We'll get to it. It's not unlivable. It just is what it is. And that's just fine.

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I'm now officially 7 weeks pregnant. And I'm still in shock a little, even though we've known for 3 weeks.

The crazy thing is that we weren't "trying" (or, as Brian says, we hadn't made the decision to pull the goalie!) In fact, we were actively NOT trying... (or, uh, to continue the metaphor the goalie was supposed to be in place...) We had a whole plan... I'd do more traveling for the RA thing in the spring, then we'd go to Europe and we'd, well, leave the goalie in America so to speak. In fact, the Saturday before we found out, I'd kind of freaked Ajax out a bit by vocalizing that plan and all that it meant (truth be told, I was saying that if we got pregnant in May or June I'd be pretty far along for our friends wedding, which is a costume wedding over Halloween weekend and I was considering going as a pregnant nun until I remember that Rin's family is pretty Catholic! More on the wedding in a bit...)

So anyway, you know what God does when you make plans...

He gives you a baby 5 months before you expected one!

Or laughs.

Or both.

I knew pretty much immediately when I didn't get my period that I was pregnant. I knew I wasn't "late". I should have gotten my period on a Sunday. Monday I got a pregnancy test. Ajax was home when I got home (I love it when he gets home first!) and I just kind of blurted it out... "I think I'm pregnant... and I have a test kit."

So I went in and peed on a stick. I got a digital read out one - I didn't want there to be any confusion... Ajax and I sat on the edge of our bed and watched the digital readout go from flashing to "pregnant." We stared at it for about half a second and then burst out laughing. We were supposed to go out that night, both to a reading by Ajax's friend Charlie and then to dinner with Brian, Blue and visiting Hippo Andres. We declined all offers... but Brian wouldn't take no for an answer and they appeared on our doorstep. Very hard to have such a big secret and not let them in on it!!!

The next day was the hardest day ever - to have that big secret and NOT. TELL. ANYONE. Agh. I did call Leslie, ostensibly just to say hi, but she could hear "something" in my voice... we had plans that night to go and inauguration ball and she called me three times "what's going on? what's up? your voice sounds different..." :) My sister... she's pretty dang intuitive... We did end up telling Brian at the Ball that night... in return he punched Ajax in the face. Twice. (Was going in for a hug, but missed...)

I went for the blood test on Wednesday and we were thinking we would wait until that was back from the lab to tell everyone... but we couldn't wait, so we started making calls that night. I don't know how people wait until they are 12 weeks... Everyone is, not surprisingly, thrilled for us.

The first couple weeks we knew I felt pretty good. No nausea, not too tired... but at the end of last week - whammo! So far I've managed to not toss my cookies, but my stomach is just... off. I don't know what to eat, don't want veggies at all, which is so weird for me. I want soft, warm and comforting... perogies, mashed potatoes... I'm eating a lot of dairy. I had tuna last night and it was very much NOT GOOD. So dairy it is.

And the exhaustion... man oh man. Yesterday I was in bed all day - didn't really sleep, but just didn't have any energy. And today is more of the same I think.

I already have a bit of a belly too... I gained a little weight after the wedding, but honestly it's all in my tummy... I definitely can't wear my old jeans (though I got a bella band at Target, so hopefully I can again...) If Leslie hadn't given me a pair of her maternity jeans I'd have nothing to wear but yoga pants!!

There's so much more to write, but I have to go back to bed now...

Merry Christmas

This year's Christmas has been quiet - no travel, not a lot of time off... but today has been lovely. Cinnamon buns for breakfast, rain on and off all day, Christmas Story on constant rotation, new video games to explore and new recipes to attempt. As I sit here in our cozy kitchen, my first roast beef is in the oven and it smells heavenly in here. Need to get off my duff soon and make some green beans & yorkshire pudding.

I miss my family today something fierce... As strange as it feels to not be with my mom & pops or my sister, it also feels really right and good to be here with Ajax. I think this will most likely be the one, only and last Christmas we spend just the two of us. Next year we're insisting that Mom & Pops come here (and hopefully other years to follow). And the year after that we'll be parents, God willing. So we're enjoying our sweet time here together. But we miss our families. Sometimes quiet is too quiet.

38 special

I am currently 16 minutes away from my 38th birthday.

Been kind of gloomy and in a funk the past week... I'm blaming it (officially) on insomnia, Ajax's cold, lonely hotel night, unhealthy take-out and lack of exercise. (Oh and Ajax says: "winter blues")

Were I to give you an "unofficial" reason for the general malaise and out of the blue crying it might sound a little like this:
WAH WAH WAH I FEEL OLD (and I never have before and I wish my knee would stop with the creaking and what the hell? I don't look old and if I'm old now I'll be really really old when I have a baby and really really really really old when that baby does anything remotely important like walks or drives or wins the Nobel Peace Prize and then it'll be horrible and my life will be over and and and...)

Yeah.

So I'm sticking by my official reasons.

Winter blues sounds about right.

Also "Full Moon" which apparently is going to wreak havoc on my life... tomorrow.

So happy birthday me.

11 minutes left.

I know I'm being silly and honestly the general bummed-outedness I feel probably IS winter blues and the full moon and bad food and lack of exercise. And let's not forget this week's fun fun fun insomnia. You know - where I either can't fall asleep at all for hours, OR wake up every couple of hours OR just wake up at 3 for no reason and lie there staring at the ceiling fan (and wondering if Ajax would notice if I dusted it while he slept below it... it's really dirty. I should know - I stare at it all fucking night.)

Grrr... insomnia. Been hanging around with Brian and Blue too long - their affliction has obviously rubbed off on me.

8 minutes.

I'm going to keep writing until midnight, so I can both say and write the word "rabbit" at 12:00. Because when I was a kid my Popsicle told me that if you say "rabbit" first thing when you wake up on your birthday you'll have good luck all year long. I've never heard that from anyone else, so he might have been making it up on the spot. (I can see him right now going "who me? make it up? what?")

So in the next 5 minutes I will list all the things I am really truly happy about in my life. (So sue me if it looks a lot like my Thanksgiving list...)

Ajax - I worked a long late day today, very stressy as all week has been at work and when I got home, he cuddled with me on our bed, gave me the convenient "winter blues" reasoning for my tears and let me cry them nonetheless... for a few minutes. Then he made me laugh. He always does that! Darn that Ajax with his smiling eyes and sweet kisses.

Brian moving back here, preferably in our neighborhood. I hadn't really let myself realize how much I missed him until he was here this week. I missed him living here a fucking lot. Damn. So sad he's moving here sans Surlita, but so happy he's coming back to LA.

Mommy & Me class - all those cute babies grinning up at me and sweet moms chatting with me. I am happy everytime I teach that class and see cute little Ava practically doubled-over with delight about the "Wheels on the Bus" song or when Jude or Leela climbs up on the teacher's bench to help me teach.

My house - it's clean (yay!), it's warm and it's cute.

My family - oh my gosh, I could go on for hours... but I have a minute. Literally. Mom & Pops have always provided me with an amazing foundation and example for marriage and for life.

oh!



RABBIT!

I am officially 38.

Can I go to bed now?

Gratitude

Dear life,

Thank you for being so wonderful. We have the cutest little cottage on a hill overlooking the Hollywood sign and Griffith Park (please grow back fast btw). I have a husband who is sweet and true and funny and great in bed. I have a family who is for the most part healthy and doing well and friends across the globe who I adore. My cats are adorable, lovey and playful. My job is great - challenging, rewarding and interesting. Tonight I got to make a delicious dinner and enjoy it by candlelight with said husband and cats (who sat at the two empty chairs, cuties that they are).

I am so filled with gratitude and happiness, I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I really didn't know life could be this amazing. I always hoped, but wow. I am so very very blessed.

Sighing with joy,
Whimsy

This is a letter I posted in IndieBride tonight. And it's all so true. I love my life. I love my sweet husband and my great family and my funny cats and my cute house and my fun job. I wake up sometimes and just can't believe my luck. A baby will make it even sweeter... soon. Someday. We're talking openly about it. We've made plans. We have a timeline. We're almost there.

In the TMI department I am currently, this very day, ovulating. I've never been as aware of it as I was yesterday. I got an email from a friend that she's 3 1/2 months along with her second. I taught my Mommy & Me class, filled with adorable crawling babies and one of my two favorite moms and kids came - Morgan and Jude. And Morgan is also 3 1/2 months pregnant. It was the first time I was really completely aware of my "ticking clock" I hate that phrase, btw.

About 6 weeks ago I went to the doctor for a yeast infection (I thought - turned out to be the complete opposite: vulva somethingorother, which seems just like a yeast infection but is made 100 times worse by anything you'd do for a yeast infection - AGGHHH!).... anyway. I saw the "new girl" a new nurse practioner - not Dr. Feder or my dear Karin (pron Karinne), midwife and also nurse practioner and also the only person I'd consider NOT having a homebirth for... just so I could go to her birthcenter (I love her THAT much!). Anyway - this new person (annoyingly named Karen, so confusing) let one of those bombs drop. One of those bombs you never ever want to hear when you are over 35 (okay over 37) on the verge of conceiving, but "have a plan" as we do... She said "Don't wait."

Fuck off lady. I would go for it TODAY if I didn't know that it isn't the best time for our family. But we do "have a plan." That plan involves waiting until May to start trying for a myriad of reasons: I can get in a few more months of RISE seminars (at $2K a pop, it's nothing to sneeze at); we can go to Europe when it's not absolutely icey and frigid... those are the reasons. So we'll wait.

The next 5 ovulation cycles will undoutcdbly be frustrating and a little sad for me - so I will use them to be grateful and joyful and happy for my amazing life. And know that each month brings us closer to an even more amazing and beautiful life.