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One of my birthday gifts from Ajax was $50 in apps for my iPod. I just blew $10 of it on this app so I can keep up my blog without having to sit down at the computer. Fingers crossed it works and I use it. (Lord knows the $10 I tossed out for the Sims wasn't worth it.)
Soooooo... Here on my trusty iPod in my notes I have a list of things I want to blog about. And I'll get to them in time. But for now I'd just like to reflect on the beauty of my life. I am sitting in Ruby's nursery feeling very Under The Sea with her orange seahorse light casting a gentle glow Sarah's gorgeous mural. Ruby is crashed out in my arms and I'm praying for the clock to go slower. We need to leave in 30 minutes for Golden Bridge. I want her to sleep because this week her sleep has been sporadic and disrupted by gas and teething. But mostly I just don't want this cozy moment to end. (although I am losing all feeling in fingers.)
As a few of my friends get close to their own due dates, and others work on creating more of these adorable little creatures we call babies, I'm finding that I'm already missing my newborn. Don't get me wrong-I am completely in love with Ruby as she is now, but that first 6 weeks of mega-cuddle sessions and teeny tiny clothes was yummy. Ok,I might be romanticizing it a bit. It was also challenging.
Now I'm amazed at this big girl who cam hold her head up (except when she's sleepy) and is rolling over (front to back. She's almost got it back to front too). She lights up the world with her big grins and I can see my grandmothers smile in her smile. She's strong, vocal, independent, and sweet. As much as I love her, I also really like her.
And thus endeth the mush of the day. She's awake and we need to get moving.
Soooooo... Here on my trusty iPod in my notes I have a list of things I want to blog about. And I'll get to them in time. But for now I'd just like to reflect on the beauty of my life. I am sitting in Ruby's nursery feeling very Under The Sea with her orange seahorse light casting a gentle glow Sarah's gorgeous mural. Ruby is crashed out in my arms and I'm praying for the clock to go slower. We need to leave in 30 minutes for Golden Bridge. I want her to sleep because this week her sleep has been sporadic and disrupted by gas and teething. But mostly I just don't want this cozy moment to end. (although I am losing all feeling in fingers.)
As a few of my friends get close to their own due dates, and others work on creating more of these adorable little creatures we call babies, I'm finding that I'm already missing my newborn. Don't get me wrong-I am completely in love with Ruby as she is now, but that first 6 weeks of mega-cuddle sessions and teeny tiny clothes was yummy. Ok,I might be romanticizing it a bit. It was also challenging.
Now I'm amazed at this big girl who cam hold her head up (except when she's sleepy) and is rolling over (front to back. She's almost got it back to front too). She lights up the world with her big grins and I can see my grandmothers smile in her smile. She's strong, vocal, independent, and sweet. As much as I love her, I also really like her.
And thus endeth the mush of the day. She's awake and we need to get moving.
Ha! So after committing to write three times a week here, I've been gone since November. And I stupidly changed my blog layout and it wiped out all the dates! Argh.
So now I must date each one myself I guess..
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3...
or is it the 4th?
No, it's the 3rd.
I'm pretty sure.
I dont' really care... now my weeks are a little like this:
Monday - day of chill. Ruby and I try not to leave the house (well, she tries, but I still think she's too young to go out on her own. Maybe when she's 25).
Tuesday - day of yoga. Go to Golden Bridge. Teach Mommy & Me yoga. Smile at the cute babies, all the while secretly chanting "mine is cuter, mine is cuter; mine is smarter..."
Wednesday - day of lake walk. Some mamas from the Booby Brigadge email list get together and walk around the lake. It's lovely. Exercise, new friends, and Ruby naps!
Thursday - day of whatever. Last week I went to yoga. This week, I'm helping out with the Prenatal Teacher Training... It seems to be a day I go and hang out at Golden Bridge.
Friday - day of yoga and veggies! Teach in the morning (see above), maybe go for a walk and then go pick up our yummy co-op veggies!
Weekends are free-form. I keep thinking I should get us on some sort of routine, but Ruby disagrees. She tried a routine, then discovered that I loved it and promptly gave it up! Such is the life of an almost-4 month old.
Who has gone from chattering happily in her bassinet to getting fiesty. And so I'm off. But I'm looking into figuring out how to do this blog from my iPod or phone... :)
And here's a recent photo of the Duck for those who are dying for it... all three of you who actually read this thing!
So now I must date each one myself I guess..
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3...
or is it the 4th?
No, it's the 3rd.
I'm pretty sure.
I dont' really care... now my weeks are a little like this:
Monday - day of chill. Ruby and I try not to leave the house (well, she tries, but I still think she's too young to go out on her own. Maybe when she's 25).
Tuesday - day of yoga. Go to Golden Bridge. Teach Mommy & Me yoga. Smile at the cute babies, all the while secretly chanting "mine is cuter, mine is cuter; mine is smarter..."
Wednesday - day of lake walk. Some mamas from the Booby Brigadge email list get together and walk around the lake. It's lovely. Exercise, new friends, and Ruby naps!
Thursday - day of whatever. Last week I went to yoga. This week, I'm helping out with the Prenatal Teacher Training... It seems to be a day I go and hang out at Golden Bridge.
Friday - day of yoga and veggies! Teach in the morning (see above), maybe go for a walk and then go pick up our yummy co-op veggies!
Weekends are free-form. I keep thinking I should get us on some sort of routine, but Ruby disagrees. She tried a routine, then discovered that I loved it and promptly gave it up! Such is the life of an almost-4 month old.
Who has gone from chattering happily in her bassinet to getting fiesty. And so I'm off. But I'm looking into figuring out how to do this blog from my iPod or phone... :)
And here's a recent photo of the Duck for those who are dying for it... all three of you who actually read this thing!
Comments: (3)
I had a little epiphany the other day (last week?)...
I was feeling frustrated that I seemed to not be able to do anything because I have this baby constantly attached to me and I just wanted to put her down (in her bassinet) and go do stuff.
Then I remembered how much I prayed for this baby, how longed for she was. And how excited she was to come and be our daughter. My daughter.
And I mentally slapped my forehead... duh! Here I am, one month into her hopefully long life and I'm already looking for an out? Sheesh.
Not that there aren't going to be other moments where I feel frustrated with her, but I'm so glad I had that little moment of clarity early on, so that I can hold that feeling of gratitude in the moments that are more challenging.
I was feeling frustrated that I seemed to not be able to do anything because I have this baby constantly attached to me and I just wanted to put her down (in her bassinet) and go do stuff.
Then I remembered how much I prayed for this baby, how longed for she was. And how excited she was to come and be our daughter. My daughter.
And I mentally slapped my forehead... duh! Here I am, one month into her hopefully long life and I'm already looking for an out? Sheesh.
Not that there aren't going to be other moments where I feel frustrated with her, but I'm so glad I had that little moment of clarity early on, so that I can hold that feeling of gratitude in the moments that are more challenging.
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Probably the best piece of advice I got before becoming a mom (or even becoming pregnant actually) was this:
"Just remember - everything is a phase."
On the nights when Ruby is up every three hours instead of sleeping 6 like she used too, it's helpful to remember that. On the days when she just won't fall asleep or even be calm unless she's in my arms and my arms only, it's helpful to remember that. In the brief moments when I want to be able to just run this or that errand, or sleep in, or clean the kitchen, it's also helpful to remember that.
Then, like magic, she's happy in Ben's arms again. Or in her bassinet.
Yesterday we put Ruby in her wrap and went for a walk:
and Ben asked me what I wanted to work on, what personal stuff I wanted to explore. To be honest the question threw me... but it also got me thinking. I mean, I think first and foremost I want and need to keep exploring being a mom, but I'm also looking forward to re-inventing myself professionally. Looking for new places to teach yoga (and not just Mommy & Me and prenatal) and new clients to design for. And I'd like to start cooking again. Seems silly, but that's what I want.
But one thing I know I both need and want to commit to is writing. I'll start here and try to write at least 3 times a week. We'll see where it goes from there.
"Just remember - everything is a phase."
On the nights when Ruby is up every three hours instead of sleeping 6 like she used too, it's helpful to remember that. On the days when she just won't fall asleep or even be calm unless she's in my arms and my arms only, it's helpful to remember that. In the brief moments when I want to be able to just run this or that errand, or sleep in, or clean the kitchen, it's also helpful to remember that.
Then, like magic, she's happy in Ben's arms again. Or in her bassinet.
Yesterday we put Ruby in her wrap and went for a walk:
and Ben asked me what I wanted to work on, what personal stuff I wanted to explore. To be honest the question threw me... but it also got me thinking. I mean, I think first and foremost I want and need to keep exploring being a mom, but I'm also looking forward to re-inventing myself professionally. Looking for new places to teach yoga (and not just Mommy & Me and prenatal) and new clients to design for. And I'd like to start cooking again. Seems silly, but that's what I want. But one thing I know I both need and want to commit to is writing. I'll start here and try to write at least 3 times a week. We'll see where it goes from there.
Comments: (1)
joy.
bliss.
amazement.
exhaustion.
frustration.
confusion.
laughter.
tears.
learning.
renewing.
bliss.
amazement.
exhaustion.
frustration.
confusion.
laughter.
tears.
learning.
renewing.
The story:
After 2 weeks of nervous waiting for labor to start (or keep going), we were getting pretty worried about our impending deadline of October 13 (as in, "if you don't go into labor by October 13, we need to talk about hospital options.") Sunday the 11th, we both woke up feeling really unnerved and scared. We got up and went for a walk - something that usually helps us to calm down and get our heads straight, but that morning we came back more confused, scared and upset than when we had left. Clearly we were both spinning ourselves out more than we needed to and required some outside assistance to get us back. While we were both very aware that the most important thing at the end of the day was a healthy baby, we were still stuck on the fear that we'd end up in the hospital and we just had so much expectation and investment on having Ruby at home. So we called our fantastic doula, Sada Simran. She's been a friend of mine for almost a decade - someone I know I can count on for her strong intuitive honest opinion. She doesn't sugar-coat anything. She's kind, firm and did I mention intuitive? And healing. We were hoping to just chat with her on the phone. Instead she was at our door in 20 minutes.
What we came away with after that lovely morning chatting on our porch was that our pregnancy, particularly on my end, was incredibly public, between me posting on FB every five seconds and just all the wonderful students and friends at Golden Bridge who were so excited for Ruby. Sada Simran sensed that perhaps Ruby was wanting us to go inside and come together as a couple more. Let the focus be on US, so it could then be on HER. Made sense. (Of course then I didn't post on FB for 48 hours which freaked everyone out!) She also mentioned that babies teach us how to parent them BEFORE they even arrive. Both Ben and I can occasionally fly by the seat of our pants - Ruby was (and is) teaching us patience and trust on such a deeper level than either of us had experienced or expected.
Monday, the 12th, we went to see Davi to have my membranes stripped. Not the most pleasant of experiences, especially because she did it three times with walks afterwards... the last one being a 2 hour walk. Came home to have a lovely cocktail of vodka, OJ and castor oil... yeah. Actually I love a good screwdriver, so we just wooshed it up with my coffee frothers and I didn't even notice the oil. Also pounding it like a shot helped... see? College WAS good for something!
Around 3 I tried to take a nap, but lo and behold I was having regular contractions and couldn't sleep. I didn't really get excited because honestly we'd been down this road before. I got up, chatted with Mom, had dinner with Mom, Pops and Ben. By dinnertime the contractions were getting more intense and more regular. At one point I had to leave the table to deal with a contraction and I knew then it was the real deal. My mom, being the uber-intuitive mom she is, realized it too and she and Pops bailed pretty quickly and let Ben and I get to the business of birthing. We called Sada Simran and once again, she amazed us with how fast she got to us. Of course, then it was a couple of hours of sitting around watching me moan and groan... but it was so good to have her here to coach us both through the initial stages. Smartly she realized we'd be going all night and suggested we go lay down for a nap. That was around 9.
At 10, I felt a little pop, like a water balloon popping inside me. I hopped up, shouting "water breaking, water breaking!" All I could think was that I didn't want my water to break on the bed, even though we had crappy sheets AND a plastic sheet on the bed. I zipped (as fast as I could, which is to say I hobbled) to the bathroom and woosh - my water flowed out, thankfully in the toilet, not the floor. As soon as it was done, I was hit with a contraction 10 times harder than I'd been dealing with before. I went from the toilet to being on all fours, panting/breathing through it. Sada Simran poked her head in and said "Just so you know, the contractions usually get a lot more intense now." I think my reaction to that was "YOU THINK???"
With the water breaking and my contractions coming much closer together, longer and harder it was time to call our midwife, Davi. At this point, all sense of time left me. It seemed like she arrived as soon as we called her. I'm sure that's not how it was but in my mind our midwife and doula were wizards who could teleport themselves anywhere at any time. (Which is kind of what you want in a doula or midwife, really.)
By the time she got there I was begging to get in the tub. Begging. Ben was filling it, but we ran out of hot water. I don't really remember much between my water breaking and getting in the tub, but once I was in the tub I was so happy. The warm water was so soothing and totally relaxed me. Okay, not totally. But it made going through the contractions a lot easier. Ben got in with me and was amazing - rubbing my back and pouring warm water over my back. Sada Simran was making sure I was getting enough calories with coconut water since I'd long since puked up anything I'd eaten that day (bye bye yummy chicken dinner from Pops - it was a lot more pleasant going down than up.). I was in my own world and occasionally I'd pop my head up and see Davi resting on our bed, one eye open and watching me like a mother owl watching to make sure her chicks were flying okay. Sada Simran was in front of me, arms open and eyes focused in healing meditation. As the contractions got stronger I felt like I needed to push, but kept thinking it was too soon. But I followed my instincts (and Davi's encouragement) and started to push.
After an hour I had to get out of the tub - it was too slippery, I was getting icked out by the stuff we were sitting in (granted it was all stuff that was inside of me, but still) and my legs were starting to cramp up. So out I went. And on to the bed - on my back. On my left side. On my right side. Then on to the floor on all fours. Then squatting with Ben supporting me. Then on the toilet (I know right?? But it felt like I had to go to the bathroom, so it made sense).
Then back to all fours... at this point my legs were cramping up like crazy and in my head I was thinking "Oh God, I'm going to tear so badly, I should have done more sitz baths to open up my perineum, we never did that massage, I always do this, I always get lazy and end up paying for it later, I'm already screwing up being a mom..." Funny where our minds go isn't it? Then Davi snapped "Get your head together girl!" and apparently smacked my ass though I don't remember that part! But I needed it. I got out of my head and back to concentrating on Ruby. I got back on the bed, with Ajax behind me whispering "You can do it Hari Parkash. Remember Ruby has Elk Magic, she's strong and so are you..." and 30 minutes later she crowned. It wasn't as painful at that point as I thought it would be, because Ruby had gone slow and helped my perineum open slowly. Ajax got down with Davi to catch her. A few minutes later (it felt like hours) her head was out. One more push and the rest of her came whooshing out.
And then, as if the past 13 hours hadn't happened at all, I was holding my squalling squirmy baby girl and crying "I'm a mom! I'm a mom!" She was yelling like we asked her too and then Ajax came up and said "Hi Ruby, it's Daddy. You're home now." And her eyes popped open and she was silent - she remembered his voice. Amazing.
She latched on to my breast immediately and happily guzzled away while I pushed out the placenta and Ben and I cried over the miracle in our arms.
And now... a month and 2 days later, she's in a sling, asleep and we're just blown away by her every day. The smiles we get, especially in the morning, make the long nights so worth it. We both feel like she's been in our lives forever and it's hard to believe it's only been 33 days. She's getting bigger and stronger and cuter by the day.
We are so blessed.
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My darling adorable amazing daughter. Already you have made my heart bigger and my life more profound and complete than I ever thought possible. Every minute of your life inside me has been beautiful and amazing. You've never given me an ounce of trouble as an inside baby - no morning sickness, no worries about your health or well-being. For that I am truly truly grateful.
As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.
Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.
I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.
I love you so much.
Mommy
As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.
Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.
I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.
I love you so much.
Mommy