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It's been slow at work lately for me. I'm sure, SURE, there are things I could be doing. But I'm not digging really hard to find them. I've just been extra efficient. I'm giving myself this morning to goof off a little and then I will go dig around for my old projects and resurrect them.

Meanwhile... I will tackle this great empty blank page and see what sparks.

This weekend Ajax and I cleaned out the apartment and moved around the furniture. We pulled out my computer cabinet/desk, moved it next to the couch on Friday. Moved around all the bedroom furniture too - the whole place feels more open and airy. And we filled the trunk of the car with crap to take to Goodwill... and there's yet MORE in the hallway. zoinks.

Then I spent most of Saturday doing everything I could to avoid opening my desk and dealing with the piles of crap within it. About six months ago, we'd also moved furniture and I'd set up the desk in an effort to hopefully start writing/painting/crafting again. But I kept the doors closed on it, and eventually it became the stockpile for all the stuff we didn't know what to do with, since it had doors that could hide it all away...

On Sunday, I could procrastinate no longer. I told Ajax that part of my avoidance was the fear of having to be creative and not being good at it. Funny how the same old issues find new ways to manifest themselves. I had a realization in class a few weeks ago that part of the reason my hips are out of alignment is because I'm not using my creative power, so my 2nd chakra, that creative space is getting out of alignment in accordance. I'm not sure why I have suddenly (well, suddenly over the last couple years) built up resistance and fear to my creative side, but it's no longer okay to hide from it and perpetuate my own fears.

There are a few reasons why it's not acceptable for me any more. For one, I marked my body with the reminder that I will not ever live my life or make decisions based on fear. I have a big beautiful tattoo to remind me of that decision.

And second, and much more importantly, it's time for me to ready my body and in particular my 2nd chakra, my reproductive organs, for conceiving and carrying a child. I not only want this part of my body to be strong and aligned and balanced, I NEED it to be. And even more importantly, I want to pass onto my children the experience of risk and vulnerability when it comes to being creative. If I can't do it, then how I can be a role model for them?

So that's part of the reason I've started this blog. Also I need a space where I can type out my worries and my insecurities. And I want to document my journey as Ajax and I move toward our third and final wedding (the family wedding - oy!) and as we continue to create a life together. And as I mentioned before I am in the conscious pre-conception stage of parenthood - making the time to ready not only my body, but my pysche and spirit for having a child (well, two hopefully, but one at a time!)

Conscious pre-conception? What on earth? My friend Anna is a big proponent of this - of taking some time before you get pregnant to get ready to be pregnant and be a mother. What does it entail?

For me, physically, it entails a re-dedication to my yoga practice, abstaining from alcohol (not that hard for me, since I didn't really drink that much anyway), going back to being veggie (harder now...), reducing my sugar, dairy and wheat intake (dairy and wheat - no problem. sugar? waaahhhhh... don't wanna!!) and getting my glandular and hormonal systems in balance.

Spiritually, it's deeper and I'm still investigating that. Definitely means a re-dedication to my private meditation practice. (Bless you my sweet Ajax, for helping me set up a new space for my altar!) And journaling which is just not my favorite thing to do... but I think with this blog, I can.

Emotionally, it means coming to terms with whatever leftover issues or sadnesses were left from my own childhood and parents. I've thankfully been blessed with overall wonderful parents and a pretty normal childhood - no major major trauma that hasn't already been covered (oh, well, uncovered, actually, I guess) in therapy lo these many many years... A lot of the work (not work, really, challenge is more accurate. opportunity more accurate still) is finding within myself the ability to be strong in my own convictions and my own beliefs and my own needs. With Ajax as my support, I'm finding this easier and easier.

Oh and yes. I did manage to not only open and clean out the dreaded desk, but I've organized it in such a way that all my various supplies are accessible and available. And I'm actually excited about it. And starting this blog (even though I'm at work, naughty naughty) is my commitment to renewing my creativity.