More baking? More? Really?? Or, how I goofed up my Christmas gifts.

Yes. Really. Oh but let's not start with my failed lemon cookies. (Sniff sniff... they were so goooood... and yet not. But more on that later.)

This week ZIPPED by. Just zipped. Of course it helped that I took off Thursday and worked a half day on Friday. Tuesday held the extreme joy of being able to leave work early to go to the movies with some of my all-time favorite people - Maya, Gurmukh, Rakafet and Steven.

Obviously Steven is taking the photo...

So that fantastic experience started off the week. To see Maya's face as she walked into the tent and saw all the Disney princesses - Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for those not up on their Disney lore), Jasmine and Ariel - was precious. She was in awe. She skipped in and stopped dead in her tracks. Her jaw literally dropped and her eyes got as wide as saucers. And then she got to talk to them! And then get her hair and make up done and play dress up? What a night!

Wednesday night was equally magical, but magic of a different sort. We have a resident shaman, Sara Eaglewoman, who has transformed a former junked up storage area above our gallery studio into an oasis of healing and calm. To walk in there is sheer heaven. To be treated there - even more so. We began the session with a beautiful prayer to the ancestors to guide our guides to the healing and opening that needed to happen. I closed my eyes, found my breath and could feel the energy starting to move, powerfully. It was a rush. A little part of my brain had to keep saying "Don't fall over!"

As I laid down on the healing table, Eaglewoman began her work. As with all of these sessions, the memories of exactly what happened fade almost immediately. But here's what I got from the session - from Eaglewoman's guides and mine:

• There's a soul "petitioning hard" to come through me. She's (yes, she!) is anxious and ready to come on down and be our baby. (oh I know - it makes me cry too Mom!) So little Ruby is ready. I told her to hold her horses for a little while longer!
• My hormones need balancing out. As do my hips.
• Creative endeavors for me include using this kind of writing - personal, introspective - to inform my stories. I need to get back to fiction in some capacity.
• It's time for me to let go of the notion that I have to be good at a particular skill or even know anything about that skill before I attempt it. That resonated most strongly for me, as I've started painting again and was feeling those old defeastist emotions of "Oh I don't know what brush to use, how to mix the paint, wah wah wah, I can't do this." And luckily, I put those thoughts aside and just played. And had a lovely time of it as well.
• Silver and jasper are my metal and stone respectively. Also I'm not as weird as I thought I was for collecting stones and rocks.
• I feel like I released a some key "dad" issues about not being heard and communication issues in general which was quite powerful.
• Also my cousin Debbie who no one has heard from in years sends me love and energy quite a bit, which was both sweet and surprising. She showed up there (not physically, obviously) as did our dear family friend Debbi Allness who passed away recently. She came to ask me to pass on a message to Mom, that she's with her often, giving her support and encouragement. And scarves! :)

And then I floated away to a desert where we were wandering with scorpions and it was actually quite lovely.

And onto my birthday!!!

I got up early and made ginger snap cookies for yoga class. I had a wonderful yoga class. Ajax and I had a delicious lunch at Bossa Nova (I will miss that place whenever we move!) and I opened Christine's sweet gift - Eat Love Pray - which I cannot wait to read!

Then I got to spend the afternoon at the spa - three heavenly hours of hot tub, sauna, hot showers and oh, did I mention the 80 minute deep relaxation massage that had me literally snoring face down within seconds? Ohhhhhh... heaven! And yet all day long, I had a burning question: Where was Ajax whisking me off to for dinner?

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and he broke down and spilled the beans when I got home: Bar Marmont. I jumped for joy! I'd always wanted to go there!

First off, it's lovely inside - gorgeous low lighting, but not too low. All candles and soft ambers. We started with a bar snack of mixed nuts, mostly ordered because I was too curious about the garlicky walnuts not to. They were good - the other nuts were so-so. I kinda wished we'd ordered the home-made winter veggie chips, which looked delightful. For dinner I ordered the Diver Scallops which came floating out on a bed of pureed butternut squash and wilted greens with a drizzle of a tangy, lively brown butter sauce. Ohhhhhhh.... heaven. With crispy sage. I moaned with delight at every other bite. It was that good. The scallops were seared perfectly, the butter sauce melting into the squash, giving the entire dish an exquisite balance of taste and texture. I wish I'd taken a photo of it, but alas, didn't think of it until my plate was clean and empty!

And what did Ajax order? A burger and fries. Sounds plain? I can guarantee you it was anything but plain. Let's start with the crispy frizzled onions since I ate them all - the perfect amount of salt and onion sweetness. And the fries? They looked like a potato simply cut up - nice long square hearty fries with just the right amount of crunch before yielding to a softness that was pefection. And the burger? I may get that the next time we go back there. Yes. Really. I took a little bite and remembered what burgers are supposed to taste like. Like summer.

But wait... it was my birthday, right? Surely I had to have dessert! And dessert I had - vanilla creme caramel with port currant granita. The creme caramel was light, fluffy with just a hint of firmness and full of deep vanilla. Good vanilla. The granita was the pefect compliment - complex and full-bodied like a good Bordeaux. And they put a candle on it, which was sweet! :)

(BTW, can you tell I've been reading a lot of food blogs lately?)

Oh pictures? You want pictures? Well as I said, I didn't get any food pix, because I didn't want to look like a tourist! But here are some nice photos of us...

Smiling from happiness after that dessert.

Gracious, he is handsome!

Okayyyyyy... so onto the baking. My plan for the holidays was to send baked goods along to family and friends. A mix of chocolate chai snickerdoodles, lemon butter cookies and ginger snaps. And spicy-sweet pecans. This will still happen, but without the lemon butter cookies...

Oh the saga of the lemon cookies. I orginally got the recipe from Gluten-Free Girl and they were lemon olive oil cookies. And I made a batch and they were good, but I wasn't all that thrilled with the olive oil flavor. So I thought, well, heck, I'll just use vegan butter (aka soy margerine, if you want to call a spade a spade). And since they really were pretty good last time around, I'll quadruple the little recipe (which only made about 20 big cookies) and these will be the highlight of my holiday gift baskets. "Oh," I thought, "people will be calling from far and wide, begging for the recipe of these tangy sweet little delights!"

And so I set to baking...

Fresh organic lemons. I zested each one. My zester sucks. It took a LONG TIME.
I don't know why this photo won't post the right way up. But you can see... it's a LOT of batter.

So I baked a lot of cookies. A lot of cookies. Dozens upon dozens. They all came out crispy around the edges and springily chewy in the center. Thin little lemon wafers. I cooled them on the racks so they'd crisp up a bit. Cooled them for HOURS.

Aren't they pretty?

Then I put them away. Pulled them out tonight for a little snack for me and Ajax and discovered to my horror that they are not good. Not good at all. Too chewy. And all the crispness is gone. I can't send them. Most likely if you are reading this, you will not get to taste their sweet lemony goodness. Not this go around. I'll keep trying though. I like lemony baked goods and I like baking. Guess I have to go back to olive oil. Oh and Shauna has a slightly different version of the recipe in her book, which I just got and was reading while baking these cookies. Of course I found the altered (and better according to her website) recipe AFTER I'd put the last batch in the oven.

Thank goodness for my chocolate chai snicks.
My only complaint with these is that I didn't put enough chocolate chips in them. But they are rich and spicy and I imagine they'll be great with an afternoon cup of coffee or hot cocoa.

And whilst I was hard at work in the kitchen (4.5 hours of baking!), Ajax was harder at work editing our wedding video. It's cool. No. It's AWESOME! So while you won't be getting lemon cookies, you will be getting one seriously kick-ass video.

Tonight, after working in the afternoon and a harrowing trek to Target (seriously, folks, don't go to Target the Sunday afternoon before Christmas unless you really feel you need a lesson in patience and shopping cart navigation.) I decided to tackle the bread again. Last week, as you may recall, I was fretting over my lack of a loaf pan and had some interesting adventures with yeast and rising. Ironically enough (or happily enough, really), Mom had already bought me a loaf pan! So the loaf pan fretting was extra-funny to her and Pops. (Not so much to me until I got my present on Friday - THANK YOU MOM!!!).

So I tried again with the bread. Same mix. Still goofed the first yeast attempt, and this after purchasing (and yes, using!) a proper food thermometer and everything, which makes me think it's the crappy yeast that comes with the mix. Yeah. That's it. Anyway. I wised up with the rising process, putting the bread in front of the heater that's above my desk... it was the PERFECT spot for it. The dough rose up like a charm. Yay! And an hour later, I had this:

Isn't it pretty? It's 100% gluten/wheat/dairy free. Not vegan because the eggs really make the bread. But it's so gorgeous. All puffy and crusty!

Yay me.

little note....

There's a post below the Baking post that I thought I had lost. I was really sad and bummed 'cause I liked what I'd written. But being a Blogger newbie, I thought I hit the wrong button and didn't try too terribly hard to recreate my words. Then tonight I clicked on a link that said "Manage posts" and voila! There it was all nicely saved for me!

Also I learned that I can actually post more than one photo per post... so be ready for photos. Lots.

Here are a few of the kittens. They're getting big. And if anyone has any hints for keeping Ella off the TV, please let me know. Just as I wrote this she jumped up there again. Argh. Naughty kitty.

Buster in his perch. As you may be able to tell, he fills it completely. He's a big boy.

Ella helping me paint.

Buster helping me bake.

Ella sitting in Daddy's chair.

Baking!

This weekend was another wonderful, fun-filled weekend of activity. We'd been promised rain so we bought tickets for Golden Compass and Juno - back to back at the Arclight. The rain that was supposed to pour for three days drizzled for about 18 hours. So on a sunny gorgeous Saturday, we headed inside for 4 hours of movies. Golden Compass was.... eh. They totally F-ed up the ending. Juno was brilliant. See it. See it now. (Says me to the three people who read this blog, one of whom saw it with me...)

Even more fun than the double feature was the surge of creativity flowing through the house this weekend. Ajax was writing. I was painting (PAINTING!!). Ajax was editing movies. I was baking. Both Saturday and today we were busy busy busy with our various creative endeavors.

So this weekend I managed to accomplish three little paintings (really little - 3" x 3") and a bit of collaging. I also baked. A LOT! I made vegan and wheat-free Chocolate Chai snickerdoodles. They turned out quite good. Really rich. Even a cookie monster like could only eat one. Next time I'm going to make them smaller. Little bite size yummy bits of spice and cocoa.

Also made lemon olive oil cookies - not entirely vegan (had egg and goat's milk yogurt), but totally wheat/gluten-free. And wow. It sounded like such a weird recipe I had to try it. The original recipe called for a fancy pants lemon olive oil from some shi-shi shop. I got fancy olive oil and organic lemons and winged it. Yum. Sprinkled with sugar, these little gems are bursting with lemony flavor. But I gotta be honest... I think they'd be yummier with either the original fancypants lemon oil or just plain ol' butter. I'll try them again that way this week.

But the BIG BIG accomplishment of the night was a loaf of bread. An honest to God loaf of actual bread. Not banana bread but real bread with yeast. Which brings me to this point. Yeast is a weird tricky odd thing. No wonder you don't want it in your body. It's all alive and foamy... weird. My first attempt at making yeast do what it's supposed to do failed miserably. I killed the yeast. I am a yeast murderer. Sigh. I also wasted the only soymilk I had in the house and almost of all of my soy creamer (still have enough for tomorrow's coffee though... phew!) After 3 yeast packets, several phone calls and texts to the bread master - aka Mom - I got the yeast to do what it was supposed to do. From there it actually went rather smoothly. I mixed the rest of the dough, left it to rise, shaped into a loaf and baked it. I think, in retrospect, it didn't rise enough... need to put it by the heater by my desk. And next time I will definitely procure a loaf pan... The loaf is long and crusty and looks like bread. But it's kind of, um, flat. But good. Very eggy and moist. Great with this new vegan butter I found. mmmmmmmm....

Sadly the bread wasn't anywhere near ready by the time we sat down for our healthy dinner of salmon, salad and asparagus. But it's making a delicious post-dinner snack.

As are the lemon cookies... I really ought to put them away.

Love Story. Part I

(photo of Ajax and I on Burn Night 2006)

My sweet Ajax and I met at Burning Man. My best friend had been bugging me for years to get my ass to the Playa and camp with his camp. I even joined the camp and paid dues to said camp for three years before I made out there. My second day on the playa, this sweet wonderful man by the name of Ajax Valentine (a poet and dear friend of my best friend) and I sit down for a "little chat."

Two hours later... I am awestruck by his kindness, his honesty, his spirituality, his laughter. I know that my life has somehow changed and very much for the better... it was definitely one of those "okay, i've been looking for you for the past 35 years, now tell me EVERYTHING you've been up to since we last saw each other in that other lifetime." Just amazing. BUT - all that said - to me Ajax could only be just a friend. You see he lived so far away (NY? ugh - I am a Hollywood girl) and oh, did I mention he had a girlfriend. So I put whatever thoughts I might have fleetingly had and for the next week developed a deep, deep connection with my new wonderful friend.

Little did I know that on Thursday morning, Ajax wandered into our communal dome to find me reading to our friends 5 year old daughter. I vaguely remember him coming in and looking at me and Gracie reading "Hippos Go Berserk" then walking out again. He walked out again, because in that moment he had a vision of me in OUR home reading to OUR daughterS. Plural. And he knew that his life was going to be changing in a radical way.

That night we went out... one of those weird nights on the Playa where you just wander. We wandered into a hall of mirrors that show your true reflection (seriously cool and weird). I said "I'm a girl and girls know mirrors." He said, with dead seriousness and sweet respect, "You are a woman, and don't let anyone, even you, say different." Whoa. Later that night, I was being a goofball, as I'm wont to do and he said laughingly "Okay Miss Whimsy, off you go." We both stopped and in an instant, I had my Playa name. Monday comes and with it came sad goodbyes. I sobbed hardest hugging my darling Ajax, unable to conceive of spending my days without him. I chalk it up to being sad to leave."

Fast forward to the middle of October. Ajax and other friends descend into Hollywood for Decom. I can tell something's different. Ajax reveals his vision. I tell him I don't know what to do with that information, seeing as nothing's changed (except that now I'm smitten). I'm trying to date in LA, he's got a girl in NY... After a weekend of fun and laughter, it's time for him to go back to NY. As he gets in the car to go, he kisses me sweetly, chastely and tells me he loves me and he'll be back. I nod, try not to cry and wonder "When?"

One week later I get the first of what will be many poems in my email. It's a love poem no doubt. I tell my best friend "I think Ajax sent me a love poem." and as I say the words I have that giddy crush feeling all over. My best friend says "Well, you know he broke up with his girl last night, right?" Uh. No. Soon the courtship begins. I get an outline of his hand traced in Crayon in the mail (actual mail!). On it is written "The right hand of Ajax, in case you want to hold it, and I'm not there." Swoon. More letter, poems and flowers flood my mailbox and inbox for the next three weeks. He tells me he'll be here on the 15th of November. Yikes! I tell my girlfriends I think 'he's the one.' They shriek. I shriek. Is this crazy? Probably. But my intuition, every fiber of me knows it's perfect and true and divine.

And yet there are fears. Of course there are. Layers of them, as I explained over bad taco-truck food to Brian one night. First layer is what if he gets to LA and I find that I just got wrapped up in the romance of it all, but really I just don't feel the same way. Second layer is what if I do feel the same way? Third is what if I do feel the same way, we fall madly in love and all my prayers are answered? What then?

And it was that third layer that helped me come back to reality. I believe strongly in prosperity consciousness in every aspect. The Law of Attraction... you know. The Secret. So if I was able to manifest the one thing I wanted more than anything else - a partner with whom I could grow and explore and share and laugh and love with - then what else was there in the in universe? I'd been so focused on that one thing - on finding love, that I didn't really think too much about what came after that? Kids, sure - that's the next step. But then what? What do I day dream about after that? What do I attempt to manifest then?

Silly fears I realize now, but at the time they provided me with some really excellent opportunities for exploring what it was that I expected to both get and give in relationship. I'd definitely come the realization before I even went to Burning Man that no relationship was going to save me... what was I needing to be saved from? And though many many people/books/teachers/gurus all said "You have to love yourself before you can love another or be loved by another truly" I didn't really feel that I'd achieved that until I experienced my own love for and appreciation of myself at Burning Man. And I don't think I even really realized I'd done it - it was so organic, the entire experience of being on the Playa, being completely accepted and embraced for being me - that it felt completely natural.

And of course that's when I found myself most open to loving and being loved. It was very much about timing - if Ajax hadn't come to Decom or I hadn't gone to Burning Man... how different our lives would be.

But we went where we were needed. Where we needed to be...

And that brought us to this:

November 15. The airport. Waiting anxiously at the outdoor luggage carousel in Burbank. People streaming out. All NY types. None my Ajax. More people. More. Where is he? And then he's there. And his bags are dropped. And his hands are on my face. And he's kissing me. Oh that kiss. That perfect perfect kiss, full of passion pent-up, and sweetness ready to be given. Oh. I melt. I'm not wrong. I'm right. He's the one.

Cooking

A short post...

I've recently rediscovered my love of cooking. Ajax was advised to steer clear of dairy and wheat which has oddly brought out my rebellious, love-a-challenge side. I'm determined to find yummy things to cook that are a) healthy, b) wheat and dairy-free and c) appealing to a not-so-adventurous eater.

So far so good. Sort of a going back to basics road, but with a twist. Also having been veggie for many many years and now cooking meat, it's a whole new world!

Not surprisingly Thanksgiving got me really excited! My very ambitious menu was corn bread from Gluten-Free Girl; stuffing, also from G-F Girl (I love Shauna!); roast chicken stuffed with garlic, lemons and rosemary; green beans with carmelized shallots and roasted hazelnuts; rosemary roasted potatoes (do you notice a theme here?) and for dessert, vegan, wheat-free root beer float cupcakes. Oh and cranberry relish - just a little bit because I love it, but I'd be the only one eating it, and I don't love it that much! (Though it turns out that breakfast heaven is a tarty cranberry and orange relish on corn bread with soy butter... mmmmm)

What I actually made was the chicken, the potatoes, the cornbread (and have since made again - it was popular!), the green beans and the cranberry. We actually didn't end up eating dessert, which is good since I still havent' found a place to buy root beer extract!

The thing about cooking that I think appeals to me is that it gives me the opportunity to be creative while simultaneously following directions and improvising on them. For instance the chicken recipe I found called for a lot of nonsense stuff - I tossed it out, didn't make the gravy, and it turned out DELICIOUS. Oh I also frequently roast chickens upside down... mostly because I just don't know my way around a chicken, but then I read that it makes the chicken breast extra juicy, so... and much to my surprise and delight the chicken actually tasted of lemon, rosemary and garlic. Not overpowering, but just enough to make it delicious.

So now it's time to up the ante with some baking challenges...
I still want to try those root beer cupcakes - they're vegan and wheat-free (which from here on out will be called ACME - anything vegan and wheat-free is now known as ACME in our house... somehow that makes it more appealing). I'm determined to find ways to make ACME cookies and ACME bread that actually taste GOOD. I know it's possible because I did it for the wedding - spent hours making ACME cupcakes (well not entirely vegan, they had eggs, but close enough).

The other thing I'm dying to try to make is Lemon Olive Oil cookies. I know - it sounds weird and kinda gross, but the pictures are tantalizing... and if I can do them ACME, I'll feel so proud!

blank page

It's been slow at work lately for me. I'm sure, SURE, there are things I could be doing. But I'm not digging really hard to find them. I've just been extra efficient. I'm giving myself this morning to goof off a little and then I will go dig around for my old projects and resurrect them.

Meanwhile... I will tackle this great empty blank page and see what sparks.

This weekend Ajax and I cleaned out the apartment and moved around the furniture. We pulled out my computer cabinet/desk, moved it next to the couch on Friday. Moved around all the bedroom furniture too - the whole place feels more open and airy. And we filled the trunk of the car with crap to take to Goodwill... and there's yet MORE in the hallway. zoinks.

Then I spent most of Saturday doing everything I could to avoid opening my desk and dealing with the piles of crap within it. About six months ago, we'd also moved furniture and I'd set up the desk in an effort to hopefully start writing/painting/crafting again. But I kept the doors closed on it, and eventually it became the stockpile for all the stuff we didn't know what to do with, since it had doors that could hide it all away...

On Sunday, I could procrastinate no longer. I told Ajax that part of my avoidance was the fear of having to be creative and not being good at it. Funny how the same old issues find new ways to manifest themselves. I had a realization in class a few weeks ago that part of the reason my hips are out of alignment is because I'm not using my creative power, so my 2nd chakra, that creative space is getting out of alignment in accordance. I'm not sure why I have suddenly (well, suddenly over the last couple years) built up resistance and fear to my creative side, but it's no longer okay to hide from it and perpetuate my own fears.

There are a few reasons why it's not acceptable for me any more. For one, I marked my body with the reminder that I will not ever live my life or make decisions based on fear. I have a big beautiful tattoo to remind me of that decision.

And second, and much more importantly, it's time for me to ready my body and in particular my 2nd chakra, my reproductive organs, for conceiving and carrying a child. I not only want this part of my body to be strong and aligned and balanced, I NEED it to be. And even more importantly, I want to pass onto my children the experience of risk and vulnerability when it comes to being creative. If I can't do it, then how I can be a role model for them?

So that's part of the reason I've started this blog. Also I need a space where I can type out my worries and my insecurities. And I want to document my journey as Ajax and I move toward our third and final wedding (the family wedding - oy!) and as we continue to create a life together. And as I mentioned before I am in the conscious pre-conception stage of parenthood - making the time to ready not only my body, but my pysche and spirit for having a child (well, two hopefully, but one at a time!)

Conscious pre-conception? What on earth? My friend Anna is a big proponent of this - of taking some time before you get pregnant to get ready to be pregnant and be a mother. What does it entail?

For me, physically, it entails a re-dedication to my yoga practice, abstaining from alcohol (not that hard for me, since I didn't really drink that much anyway), going back to being veggie (harder now...), reducing my sugar, dairy and wheat intake (dairy and wheat - no problem. sugar? waaahhhhh... don't wanna!!) and getting my glandular and hormonal systems in balance.

Spiritually, it's deeper and I'm still investigating that. Definitely means a re-dedication to my private meditation practice. (Bless you my sweet Ajax, for helping me set up a new space for my altar!) And journaling which is just not my favorite thing to do... but I think with this blog, I can.

Emotionally, it means coming to terms with whatever leftover issues or sadnesses were left from my own childhood and parents. I've thankfully been blessed with overall wonderful parents and a pretty normal childhood - no major major trauma that hasn't already been covered (oh, well, uncovered, actually, I guess) in therapy lo these many many years... A lot of the work (not work, really, challenge is more accurate. opportunity more accurate still) is finding within myself the ability to be strong in my own convictions and my own beliefs and my own needs. With Ajax as my support, I'm finding this easier and easier.

Oh and yes. I did manage to not only open and clean out the dreaded desk, but I've organized it in such a way that all my various supplies are accessible and available. And I'm actually excited about it. And starting this blog (even though I'm at work, naughty naughty) is my commitment to renewing my creativity.