My darling adorable amazing daughter. Already you have made my heart bigger and my life more profound and complete than I ever thought possible. Every minute of your life inside me has been beautiful and amazing. You've never given me an ounce of trouble as an inside baby - no morning sickness, no worries about your health or well-being. For that I am truly truly grateful.
As we near the end of our time together as one being, I am looking forward to seeing your sweet face. To learning your funny quirks, to tickling your toes, to learning how to feed you and bathe you, to comforting you if you're ever sad and to your laughs, smiles and joy.
Each day that's gone by since we "expected" you has been a valuable lesson in patience, in flexibility, in releasing control (or the need to have it) and in opening our hearts to a new day, new hour. It's been 10 days of learning to live fully in each moment without moving into fear or upset. In other words, we are learning how to be parents before you're even in our arms.
I have faith in your own divine timing. More so than I sometimes have in my own. If we're challenged by it, that's for me to learn to move through. And I am. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I am so incredibly proud of you already Ruby. You're a joy and a light and I am beyond grateful that you chose us as parents. I will honor you every day of your life and revel in the light you're bringing to our lives and to this earth.
I love you so much.
Mommy
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Last night we got excited. I was having contractions and they were getting stronger and closer together. For hours. I knew I needed to go to bed and just not think about it, so I texted our midwife and our doula to let them know and got into bed.
And laid there like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. Way too excited. Dreams of filling the birth tub, of breathing my way through contractions and holding our gorgeous baby girl in my arms filled my head. Then my sinuses backed up and I couldn't breathe so I tossed and turned. Then Ella kept breaking into Ruby's room and getting shut in there, so I kept getting up out of bed to get her.
Finally by 2 am I'd found my very last Breath Right strip for my nose and decamped to watch whatever I could find on TV. Slept on the couch for an hour. Went back to bed. Dozed for another hour. Ajax got up at 4 after what I'm sure wasn't all that restful a night, what with me up and down a dozen times... I slept until 7.
We were giddy this morning. Still having contractions - no harder, but still there. Yay.
We had breakfast, cleaned up a little, talked about what we could to do to get the house ready more. We made calls. I took another nap. Sarah came over. Then Davi called and said "You'll hate me for saying this now, but you'll thank me later... you're in 'pre-labor'. Stop timing the contractions. Go out, go have your day, go for walk. Rest. Eat well. It could be days."
Days? Did she seriously just say "days"? As in not Saturday, but maybe Sunday. Or Monday?
ARRRRGGHHHHHHH...
But okay. So we go live our life. We go to Griffith and walk. Hit Birds for lunch (seriously this long-ass non-labor thing is wreaking havoc on our checking account.) Came home for nap #2.
Something shifted and I woke up feeling so discouraged again. So frustrated. I didn't want to go anywhere with a lot of people. Definitely didn't want to drive anywhere. I took a shower, tried to clear my head...
I keep feeling like we have this ominous deadline looming - Tuesday is 42 weeks and that means scary, terrifying words like "hospital" and "pitocin" and "IV drip" and the most dreaded of all "C-section."
I know I know I KNOW I need to release this fear or it will manifest, but holy fucking hell. I'm already a hormonal basket-case...
So I keep breathing. Watching silly movies and shows on TV. Can't read because what's the point in starting a new book? Though I guess I should. Getting really sick of walking walking walking even though I know it's best for us all.
Tomorrow Mom & Pops come. I was so sure we'd have a brand new baby for them to see. Instead they get a very pregnant, hormonal, cry at the drop of a hat, me. Hope this baby comes soon.
And laid there like a 5 year old on Christmas Eve. Way too excited. Dreams of filling the birth tub, of breathing my way through contractions and holding our gorgeous baby girl in my arms filled my head. Then my sinuses backed up and I couldn't breathe so I tossed and turned. Then Ella kept breaking into Ruby's room and getting shut in there, so I kept getting up out of bed to get her.
Finally by 2 am I'd found my very last Breath Right strip for my nose and decamped to watch whatever I could find on TV. Slept on the couch for an hour. Went back to bed. Dozed for another hour. Ajax got up at 4 after what I'm sure wasn't all that restful a night, what with me up and down a dozen times... I slept until 7.
We were giddy this morning. Still having contractions - no harder, but still there. Yay.
We had breakfast, cleaned up a little, talked about what we could to do to get the house ready more. We made calls. I took another nap. Sarah came over. Then Davi called and said "You'll hate me for saying this now, but you'll thank me later... you're in 'pre-labor'. Stop timing the contractions. Go out, go have your day, go for walk. Rest. Eat well. It could be days."
Days? Did she seriously just say "days"? As in not Saturday, but maybe Sunday. Or Monday?
ARRRRGGHHHHHHH...
But okay. So we go live our life. We go to Griffith and walk. Hit Birds for lunch (seriously this long-ass non-labor thing is wreaking havoc on our checking account.) Came home for nap #2.
Something shifted and I woke up feeling so discouraged again. So frustrated. I didn't want to go anywhere with a lot of people. Definitely didn't want to drive anywhere. I took a shower, tried to clear my head...
I keep feeling like we have this ominous deadline looming - Tuesday is 42 weeks and that means scary, terrifying words like "hospital" and "pitocin" and "IV drip" and the most dreaded of all "C-section."
I know I know I KNOW I need to release this fear or it will manifest, but holy fucking hell. I'm already a hormonal basket-case...
So I keep breathing. Watching silly movies and shows on TV. Can't read because what's the point in starting a new book? Though I guess I should. Getting really sick of walking walking walking even though I know it's best for us all.
Tomorrow Mom & Pops come. I was so sure we'd have a brand new baby for them to see. Instead they get a very pregnant, hormonal, cry at the drop of a hat, me. Hope this baby comes soon.
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Yesterday was a bit rough. It started out wonderfully - Ajax stayed home, we had breakfast in the garden and just rested until our midwife appointment. We were sure SURE they'd tell us we were at least 3 cm and they'd strip the membranes to get the water moving and bada bing bada boom we'd be holding Ruby in our arms by midnight.
HAHAHAHAHA....
The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).
Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.
Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."
Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!
Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.
Until I got home and completely lost it.
I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.
Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.
We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:
Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.
HAHAHAHAHA....
The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).
Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.
Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."
Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!
Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.
Until I got home and completely lost it.
I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.
Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.
We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:
1. To be sung to the tune of Frere Jacques (from me & AR):Plus an offer from my friend Jennifer's brilliant energy-worker husband to work with me today for free (so sweet!)
Baby Wuby
Baby Wuby
Come on out!
Come on out!
How much do we love you?
How much do we love you?
Shout it out!
Shout it out!
2. Also, this is the song I made up for AR (to be sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle):
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you
If I didn't, I'd feel blue
So thank goodness for my itty baby boo
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you.
And now Bebop sings it with me. :-)
3. Come on out Wuby, soon. Give your mommy and daddy a private and sacred labor and birthing experience at home, okay? How about labor starting tomorrow, with the actual birth occurring on Friday? What do you think, Wuby?
4. Here's a poem for you Wuby:
Little Wuby, I think it's time
To make your way into this world
Your mommy and daddy have been waiting patiently
For you to be their little girl
I know you feel warm and safe and loved
In the tiny cocoon of your womb
But now it's time to take wing, little dove
With a git up and go and va-voom!
You are so lucky to have the parents you do
You have already been loved so much
They're ready for the vomit and the pee and the poo
And all the sleepless nights and such
Help your mommy's cervix to yawn wide
Use your legs to push out
Let the contractions be the outgoing tide
So we can hear your wee little shout
Come on, come on, little Wuby, let's go
There's more on our side to see
Than what's in the confines of your amniotic world
Come on out so you know what it feels like to be free.
Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.
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Ahhhh - it's 3:15 am. And I'm wide awake. (After a "How I Met Your Mother" themed dream that was nice, but weird... We watch too many re-runs of that show, methinks...)
I knew yesterday wasn't the day - I knew it after I posted at 3 am and then went to sit and meditate in our (superclean!) living room. I just heard Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday. I think Ruby didn't want to be saddled with "Ruby Tuesday" for the rest of her life and that's fine by me! I am all for avoiding annoying nicknames. I took it very very easy in the morning and was really looking forward to our midwife appointment in the afternoon. I slept in, I took a nap on the couch, did some laundry. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with laundry lately? For a while I was obsessed with having enough toilet paper in the house... now that we do, I'm convinced that all the clothes have to be clean before she comes or we'll be surrounded by piles of dirty clothes for the next three months. Irrational? Yes. But hey - I heard about a guy yesterday who is completely and utterly terrified of cucumbers (and by extenstion, pickles). Makes my laundry thing a little less irrational yes?
Speaking of irrational, around the time I decided a shower was in order, I got a call that Davi (our midwife) had to cancel our appointment as she was at another birth.
Complete and total meltdown.
Seriously - I called Ajax in tears, so upset, so disapointed. And later I realized, so envious of THAT mom who got her baby yesterday.
A long hot shower helped. Doing 3 minutes of cat-cow exercises with the hot water beating down on my sore lower back helped a LOT more. Realizing (hoping) that Tuesday wasn't our day because Ruby wants to make sure Davi is actually AT her birth helped a lot more. Smart little girl - in touch with the cosmos.
After the shower, I felt so much better. More open. Brian had offered to come over and bring lunch and at first, I was thinking "No I want to be myself" until I realized that was utter bullshit. So I called him and bless his heart, he came over with Zankou chicken & hummus and we had an awesome afternoon in the garden, eating and catching up. It was so incredibly lovely and calming I can't even describe it. We've been a little disconnected lately, so it was just fantastic to be able to catch up on everything and talk like we used/usually do.
Oh! And the baby's room - so beautiful! Gotta take pictures tomorrow. The mural is done! Sarah's going to swing by today to do the other two walls in yellow - shouldn't take more than an hour, I'd think! Then the plastic can come up and the furniture can get moved out of the center of the room! Hurraaay!!! So maybe Ruby is waiting for that. Who knows.
The highlight of yesterday was two-fold. Ajax came home early and I went to acupuncture. Sort of serendipitous - the midwife appointment got cancelled and Jeremiah had an opening at the exact same time. So off we went... And I definitely felt it working. So let's hope the energy keeps moving and things start contracting today!
We're going to see Michelle (the other midwife) today as well - hoping she'll be able to strip the membranes, so it's easier for my water to break. REALLY hoping she'll tell me we're fully effaced and even a little dilated. After that I'm thinking I'll head up to the Valley for this salad at this cafe that's supposed to induce labor... (Read about it here) I'll probably get it to go and go spend some time with my friend Jennifer and her wonderful daughter Leela, who I've know since she was 6 weeks old. Now she's almost 3!! Maybe she can have a chat with Ruby about how fun it is in the world!
One day at a time up here at Mt. Valentine. The hardest part is that Ajax has to go back to work, but really there's nothing for him to do there. He was so bored yesterday. His temp replacment is already doing everything... but something about the way his leave works, he has to be there until the baby actually is born. It's driving him crazy to be so far away. I keep hoping I'll start having contractions NOW so he can stay home today. And you know, so we can HAVE THIS BABY!!!
I knew yesterday wasn't the day - I knew it after I posted at 3 am and then went to sit and meditate in our (superclean!) living room. I just heard Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday. I think Ruby didn't want to be saddled with "Ruby Tuesday" for the rest of her life and that's fine by me! I am all for avoiding annoying nicknames. I took it very very easy in the morning and was really looking forward to our midwife appointment in the afternoon. I slept in, I took a nap on the couch, did some laundry. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with laundry lately? For a while I was obsessed with having enough toilet paper in the house... now that we do, I'm convinced that all the clothes have to be clean before she comes or we'll be surrounded by piles of dirty clothes for the next three months. Irrational? Yes. But hey - I heard about a guy yesterday who is completely and utterly terrified of cucumbers (and by extenstion, pickles). Makes my laundry thing a little less irrational yes?
Speaking of irrational, around the time I decided a shower was in order, I got a call that Davi (our midwife) had to cancel our appointment as she was at another birth.
Complete and total meltdown.
Seriously - I called Ajax in tears, so upset, so disapointed. And later I realized, so envious of THAT mom who got her baby yesterday.
A long hot shower helped. Doing 3 minutes of cat-cow exercises with the hot water beating down on my sore lower back helped a LOT more. Realizing (hoping) that Tuesday wasn't our day because Ruby wants to make sure Davi is actually AT her birth helped a lot more. Smart little girl - in touch with the cosmos.
After the shower, I felt so much better. More open. Brian had offered to come over and bring lunch and at first, I was thinking "No I want to be myself" until I realized that was utter bullshit. So I called him and bless his heart, he came over with Zankou chicken & hummus and we had an awesome afternoon in the garden, eating and catching up. It was so incredibly lovely and calming I can't even describe it. We've been a little disconnected lately, so it was just fantastic to be able to catch up on everything and talk like we used/usually do.
Oh! And the baby's room - so beautiful! Gotta take pictures tomorrow. The mural is done! Sarah's going to swing by today to do the other two walls in yellow - shouldn't take more than an hour, I'd think! Then the plastic can come up and the furniture can get moved out of the center of the room! Hurraaay!!! So maybe Ruby is waiting for that. Who knows.
The highlight of yesterday was two-fold. Ajax came home early and I went to acupuncture. Sort of serendipitous - the midwife appointment got cancelled and Jeremiah had an opening at the exact same time. So off we went... And I definitely felt it working. So let's hope the energy keeps moving and things start contracting today!
We're going to see Michelle (the other midwife) today as well - hoping she'll be able to strip the membranes, so it's easier for my water to break. REALLY hoping she'll tell me we're fully effaced and even a little dilated. After that I'm thinking I'll head up to the Valley for this salad at this cafe that's supposed to induce labor... (Read about it here) I'll probably get it to go and go spend some time with my friend Jennifer and her wonderful daughter Leela, who I've know since she was 6 weeks old. Now she's almost 3!! Maybe she can have a chat with Ruby about how fun it is in the world!
One day at a time up here at Mt. Valentine. The hardest part is that Ajax has to go back to work, but really there's nothing for him to do there. He was so bored yesterday. His temp replacment is already doing everything... but something about the way his leave works, he has to be there until the baby actually is born. It's driving him crazy to be so far away. I keep hoping I'll start having contractions NOW so he can stay home today. And you know, so we can HAVE THIS BABY!!!
And still pregnant.
Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!
Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)
We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.
Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.
By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.
I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.
Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!
Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)
We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.
Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.
By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.
I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.
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Yesterday was a lovely day. I got up late, showed our mommy's helper around, went for a walk, picked up some last minute things (crucial things like dry cleaning and tapioca). Got home and set to making the apricot marinade for the chicken legs I had defrosting. Sarah came over to work on the room, which is really almost done - just needs yellow on two walls and few touch ups! After I made the marinade, I took a break, got some Raspberry Leaf tea and sat on the porch to read a magazine. Lovely life! There was a nice warm breeze, I was reading birth stories... I was feeling quite content.
Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...
An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.
We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.
Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.
And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.
So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.
Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...
An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.
We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.
Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.
And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.
So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.