41 weeks

And still pregnant.

Ruby must really really like being in my womb because she is not budging. She moves a lot and she's lower, but aside from a couple of contractions a day since Friday we got bupkis. Well, we have a very cute baby who isn't quite ready to join us out here yet. That's not bupkis... and as we keep reminding ourselves - she has to come out eventually!

Meanwhile the last few days have been an interesting exercise in dealing with expectations and emotional investments. Ajax was definitely invested in Ruby arriving on the weekend so he'd officially be done with work... he stayed home yesterday anyway, but I think today he has to go in. I'm definitely having expectation that when contractions start they continue! Sheesh - isn't that how it's supposed to go? (Apparently not. Apparently this is very common, this start-stop thing.)

We've decided that Sarah is our lucky charm - we've had the most intense contractions when she's here. Maybe we should tie her to our couch until Ruby is born.

Yesterday was actually quite lovely. Despite a really rough night sleep (rougher than usual), I felt good. Serene. Calm. We both decided it would be a "do whatever the fuck we feel like" day. We had breakfast in the garden in the cool crisp fall air at 8 am and relished in the relative quiet of a weekday back there. I created a charm out of ribbon and a willowhoop for Ruby's room... Ajax helped because my brain could't figure out how to make a starshape. I napped. Ajax made me lunch and we sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I baked up some cupcakes, just for the fun of it. We watched an episode of Dollhouse. Went for a long walk around the lake.

By the time we got home from the walk I was pooped and Ajax made me some soup and put me to bed. At 8 pm. Now it's 2:30 am and after a totally bizarro dream that had elements of Alias and Dollhouse in it, I'm wide awake. (Highlight of my dream was that mom brought me a chocolate croissant - yum!) I keep wondering when my water will break. Will I have more contractions? It's hard to NOT think about it.

I've got a midwife appointment at 4 today. I'm wishing now it were in the morning, especially if Ajax has to go to work anyway. I'm really curious if I'm even effaced at all. Dilated? Is she low enough. I'm holding as strongly as I can onto our vision of a calm, peaceful, easy homebirth and working very hard to not let visions of hospitals and IV drips dance in my head. The longer we go, the more those become real and real scary for me. I know that we attract our fears, so I'm spending as much time as I can visualizing me in the tub, Ajax there to catch Ruby, the three of us cozy in bed after she's born. I know in my heart that's the experience, the birth that we're all meant to have together.