False Alarm

Yesterday was a lovely day. I got up late, showed our mommy's helper around, went for a walk, picked up some last minute things (crucial things like dry cleaning and tapioca). Got home and set to making the apricot marinade for the chicken legs I had defrosting. Sarah came over to work on the room, which is really almost done - just needs yellow on two walls and few touch ups! After I made the marinade, I took a break, got some Raspberry Leaf tea and sat on the porch to read a magazine. Lovely life! There was a nice warm breeze, I was reading birth stories... I was feeling quite content.

Around 2:00 I noticed I was having contractions - they weren't hard, so I thought oh "Braxton-Hicks". Then I noticed them again around 2:25... and 3:00... and 3:30... hmmm... that's pretty regular. Not last long but regular. I called Ajax and told him "I think we have started, so if you want an excuse to get out of work 1.5 hours early, here it is..." And then I went about baking some banana bread because I wanted some and there were mushy bananas to use up...

An hour later he came running through the door, excited as all get out - it was like seeing his 5-year old self on Christmas morning. So sweet, so happy, so elated! I was eating (and waiting for the bread to bake), so we decided to chill out and count to see if there were more contractions happening... we went out to the backyard and I used my handy iPod touch LaborMate app to count them... still about 30 minutes apart and 30 seconds. Good sign. Ajax watered the garden. The banana bread finally finished baking.

We thought going for a walk might help things get moving a little more so off we went - just a nice saunter around the neighborhood and then up to Local for dinner (which we have to remember we don't like for dinner...) and then back. Still had a few contractions on the walk, but by the time we got home they'd all but stopped.

Disappointed and frustrated, I got in the shower and started to ask myself why I was feeling that way. I realized that I had some expectations of how labor is "supposed" to go that I needed to let go of. I also reminded myself that Ruby knows what she's doing and my body also knows how to bring her into the world in the exact right way for her and for us. I worked on releasing the feeling that I'd somehow failed or done something wrong. And as I worked on that it brought up some old fears and issues - I tend not to do things I don't already know how to do for fear of being unable to do them perfectly or thought silly for attempting them. I've moved beyond that in a lot of ways, but they say that birth can bring up the old stuff that needs resolution. What's interesting is that Ajax was moving through his own old issues yesterday too... it's obviously time to release this old fear-based thinking in order to bring our daughter into a brighter world.

And then I remembered that all along I've had a vision that I'd be laboring by day, not night. So we called it a night and went to bed... not exactly the best night's sleep ever for me, but I think part of the reason the contractions stopped is because I needed to rest. Not just my body, but also my mind. Let go of some last lingering fears, cuddle with my husband in a bed that just ours for possibly the last time for a while, and release any expecatations or needs for this experience to be/go a certain way.

So we're hoping today, Saturday, is THE day. But if it's not, that's okay. She's on her way and she's got her own timing. She's already independent and she knows what's she's doing. It's up to me to trust that and honor it.