HAHAHAHAHA....
The reality is that we were just 1 cm and she's not dropping down far enough to get in strip the membranes. But the good news, according to Michelle (the other midwife in the practice) was that my cervix is nice and soft. AND they wanted us to go to Dr. Wu to get a "non-stress" test, which we were led to believe would be 20 minutes on a monitor in the office. (Davi's main back up is a different doctor in Beverly Hills where that is probably the reality).
Our reality was we had to go the hospital and we were there for 3 hours! THREE HOURS. The nurse seemed to think I was having one long contraction (??) basically meaning that my uterus was just constantly bouncing off Ruby and squeezing her. They did two internal checks, confirmed the 1 cm and pronounced my cervix "medium-firm". Leaving me feeling a bit like an abused melon... They sent us away, but told us to come back on Saturday if she's not born yet. So now we've got a bit of a deadline.
Ajax called the hospital "the fear factory." In the stall (booth? holding pen?) next to us, the nurse was scaring the pants off a poor mom who was at 41 weeks and 4 days - telling her that she needed pitocin right away to get her contractions more stable and to dilate more because her amniotic fluid was not viable. That may all be true, but there was a way in which she was presenting the information... she was sort of chastising the mom for not coming in earlier. (She actually said "If you'd come in this morning, you'd be holding your baby right now.") The poor mom was in tears, the dad was at a loss... Ajax and I just looked at each other and said "We gotta get out of here."
Actually what we did before that was hold hands and put one hand each on Ruby and work together as a family to send the family next to us white light and love. We each had chills - we could feel our magic working and a few minutes later we heard laughter next to us instead of tears. That was really really cool. We've got a magic baby!
Eventually we escaped the fear factory and called Davi. They'd told us they'd called her, but they hadn't, so she was like "What are you doing at the hospital???" But when we told her everything that happened - how Ruby's little heartbeat went from 120 - 160 (which freaked me the fuck out) and what the doctor said, her response was so reassuring. She just kept saying "Ruby is so healthy! She's got lots of amniotic fluid around her still, her heartbeat is strong, she's doing GREAT! You're doing great!" That helped immensely.
Until I got home and completely lost it.
I am a little wiped out from the up and down of emotions - feeling one minute like I'm a goddess who can birth the world and the next minutes feeling like a poor schlub of a girl who can't get her unborn kid to stay in the right position... what does that say about me as a parent. I know the answer is "Nothing." It's a rhetorical question. But I'm going through a huge range of emotions - feeling powerless (hate that), feeling like my body is somehow failing me and my daughter, feeling like I should have/could have done more somehow. I know in my rational mind that none of these are true statements, but regardless, my emotional/mental mind drifts there and it's getting more and more exhausting to pull away from that tide.
Ajax has been amazing. Being able to talk about all of this with him, have him help me work through it and help him work though his fears and worries too. We keep burning our way through the emotions to go deeper and deeper.
We sent an email out to our friends and family last night to let them all know what was going on (since the idea of having the same conversation 16 times was more than we could deal with). So far the love and support we've gotten in return has been wonderful. But the best was finding this in my inbox this morning from my sister:
1. To be sung to the tune of Frere Jacques (from me & AR):Plus an offer from my friend Jennifer's brilliant energy-worker husband to work with me today for free (so sweet!)
Baby Wuby
Baby Wuby
Come on out!
Come on out!
How much do we love you?
How much do we love you?
Shout it out!
Shout it out!
2. Also, this is the song I made up for AR (to be sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle):
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you
If I didn't, I'd feel blue
So thank goodness for my itty baby boo
Itty bitty baby bitty
bitty baby boo
I've got the sweetest baby
She is you.
And now Bebop sings it with me. :-)
3. Come on out Wuby, soon. Give your mommy and daddy a private and sacred labor and birthing experience at home, okay? How about labor starting tomorrow, with the actual birth occurring on Friday? What do you think, Wuby?
4. Here's a poem for you Wuby:
Little Wuby, I think it's time
To make your way into this world
Your mommy and daddy have been waiting patiently
For you to be their little girl
I know you feel warm and safe and loved
In the tiny cocoon of your womb
But now it's time to take wing, little dove
With a git up and go and va-voom!
You are so lucky to have the parents you do
You have already been loved so much
They're ready for the vomit and the pee and the poo
And all the sleepless nights and such
Help your mommy's cervix to yawn wide
Use your legs to push out
Let the contractions be the outgoing tide
So we can hear your wee little shout
Come on, come on, little Wuby, let's go
There's more on our side to see
Than what's in the confines of your amniotic world
Come on out so you know what it feels like to be free.
Ruby will come out in her own time and her own way. Ajax and I are working on letting go of our own investments and attachments to her birth happening in the way we expect it to, and keep lifting our vibration to match our vision of a calm, gentle, beautiful, compassionate birth at home. Please join us in holding that vision.
1 comments:
What an amazing blogpost! You guys are, without a doubt, the most special, most wonderful, and amazing people! We cannot wait to start sharing all of this with wuby Balentine!!!!
Lots and lots of love!!!!!
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